M.E.N.D. 1999 Guestbook

The following entries were submitted by guests during 1999.  After reading these entries, you can click here to close the book.

Judy Woodman · from Marathon, NY

Jan 1, 1999 · 12:49

It's good to see there is a place out there for people who have suffered the most painful of losses, the loss of a child. I lost my precious angel Sam 10-19-98 And we still ache for him constantly. Thank God there are people out there who understand.

Email Address: rebel@a-znet.com

Jennifer and Kurtis Gentry · from Greensboro, North Carolina

Jan 7, 1999 · 18:10

I found your web site today, and cried for my baby again. I cried tears of grief for my child and I cried tears of joy knowing that I am not alone in my feelings. I felt understood. I felt that my baby was finally acknowledged and appreciated. Thank you, thank you, thank you. God has used you to bless me today. It's been three years exactly since the loss of my child and I miss him/her so much. I needed this. May God truly bless your ministry.

Email Address: kgentry@northstate.net

Meagan Ossorio Boland 

Jan 10, 1999 · 14:28

Just wanted to let you know of my new e-mail address.

Email Address: (New) meagossb@hotmail.com

Tammy Cash · from Glen, MS

Jan 10, 1999 · 16:27

I lost my son, Dawson Nathanael, at 38 weeks when I suffered a uterine rupture. He was 5 pounds 8 ounces and perfect. He came into this world December 15,1998. We buried him December 16, 1998. If anyone else has lost a child in this manner; I would love to hear from you.

Email Address: jstory@tsixroads.com

Cathy McNichols · from Seattle, WA

Jan 10, 1999 · 17:54

We lost our precious baby girl, Faith Emily, on October 28, 1998. She had hypoplastic left heart syndrome which we found out about when I was 20 weeks pregnant through a routine ultrasound. She had surgery when she was four days old and died a week later from complications from surgery. We miss her more than words can say. She will always be our little angel and we will love her forever.

Email Address: kmcnichols@aol.com

Cathie Joseph · from Michigan

Jan 14, 1999 · 20:50

My husband and I lost our first and only child, Don on 10-18-98. He was born at 28 wks. from conception. At 16 wks. the Dr. saw on an ultrasound that he only had one lung. His little heart was shifted completely to the right side of his chest. The specialists that we saw didn't feel that his condition was fatal, so we kept hoping and praying that he would overcome this obstacle. Then at 28 wks. I had premature rupture of membranes. I went into labor and had to have an emergency C-section. I'm just so grateful that we were with him while he was alive, and when he died. The hospital staffs were so wonderful to us. We have video, pictures, clothes and other momentos. I pray that I am blessed again with another pregnancy. We have been in infertility treatment for 5 years. If anyone else has a similar story, I would love to E-talk with you.

Email Address: ccj121@aol.com

Cassie Nipp · from Brownsboro, Texas

Jan 15, 1999 · 21:46

I lost one of twins after birth on August 27, 1998. I have been receiving your newsletter since that time. The poems and articles have really helped. I know the pain won't go away anytime soon, but you have helped in the healing. Thank you.

Email Address: cdanipp@aol.com

Leshia M.Nelson · from Burley, Idaho

Jan 17, 1999 · 18:02

Just wanted to drop a message. I have been recieving the MEND newsletter at my home for a year now. I do not have enough praise for the families and people who put together this letter. My husband and I went through a lot after the loss of our daughter, Shelby in November of 1997. A day after the first year anniversary of her death we discovered we were pregnant again!! Two days before Thanksgiving, I miscarried. We are now dealing with a second loss. We have come to have a much stronger faith in our God. We know He is with us and will carry us through this. I must put myself in His hands, I have no other choice. Our pain is real and we will have to walk through it. I have never experienced such pain in my life before. But I have learned so much as a result of this pain. My children, now with God, have given me much. I only pray that I will be strong enough and have enough wisdom to listen to His Will for me. It is not easy and has not been fun what so ever. I only pray that someday, I might have the chance to have a child that will stay here with me on this earth. Thanks to all of you at MEND. You are such inspirations and do such wonderful work. You show that life can go on and that we should always be grateful to a Power much Greater than any of us. God's Blessings with all that have lost their beloved children. Leshia M. Nelson

Email Address: nelsonbl@safelink.net

Sarah Ashworth · from Durango, CO

Jan 18, 1999 · 02:52

dont know really who to talk to, or what to write i lost my baby one month ago, would like more info on pregnancy loss.

Email Address: bjfidanque

Tammy Hajdo · from Roseville, MI

Jan 19, 1999 · 15:47

When I was 17 wks pregnant I found out my 5th child had Anencephaly, the major portion of her brain had failed to develop. My husband and I were devastated. The doctors all told us we should terminate, "everyone terminates these babies". After much prayer, my husband and I decided we just couldn't do that. To the medical community and many others our baby wasn't considered a baby anymore; just something to be discarded , but to us she was our special child. She just had a broken head.( We feel that deciding to terminate a pregnancy when something like this happens is a very difficult decision and do not condemn others for that decision.) For the next 6 months, we planned her birth and her death. At 8 months I found a new OB. She was very compassionate. She understood our need to hold our little girl even if only for a short while. For the first time since we found out, I was excited about my baby's birth. My due date was Dec. 17th, but we hoped our little one would wait until after Christmas. At 41 1/2 wks, on Dec. 28th,1998, we went to the hospital to be induced. I last felt my daughter move shortly before my doctor broke my water. I knew she was gone. She was my littlest baby at 6lbs, 18 3/4 in, but my hardest to deliver. I think a part of me didn't want to let her go. After she was born still, my doctor placed her on my stomach. I looked at Jessica's perfectly formed body, her little hands, her beautiful mouth and I hugged her to my chest. She was beautiful! Despite her anomaly, she was beautiful! I thanked my doctor and told her I would have done it all over again just to hold Jessica. She felt so good in my arms. We miss Our little Jessica Marie terribly but know we will see her again one day. Until that day, she will always be in our thoughts and in our hearts.And she will be our special child.

Email Address: JHAJDO@compuserve.com

Chandra Diggs · from Baltimore, MD

Jan 22, 1999 · 10:23

I spoke to Rebekah in November following the death of my newborn daughter(neonatal death due to hypoplastic lungs-she died 40 minutes after her birth). I am now interested in forming a support group/ministry here in Baltimore and would appreciate any advice you can give on how you became started. God has blessed me with 2 wonderful new friends who have also experienced similar losses and we are meeting tonight(1/22) to discuss what we are going to do. We are African American, Christian women and feel we need a group of our own aas there isn't anything else in our area for us. I have been to the Compassionate Friends here, but didn't feel that they were meeting my needs. I/we would appreciate as much information as you can offer. Perhaps we could even become an East Coast extension of M.E.N.D. We are planning to call ourselves (?) a grief ministry for Christians experiencing the loss of an infant, newborn or pregnancy. I called on Monday and left a message on the 888-695-mend #. You may reach me via e-mail(at work) or by telephone at home (410)594-9166. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you.

Email Address: Chandra_Diggs @hotmail.com

Sjona Lindquist · from Greenville, South Carolina

Jan 22, 1999 · 21:21

Thank you for such an encouraging newsletter. My husband and I lost our little girl on August 12, 1998 to a Strep infection. Michaela Kathleen Lindquist, 7lbs 5oz, 19 1/2 inches. She was our third daughter. Our doctor would not check me for a broken water about 4 weeks before she was born. I was concerned because I got small very quickly. She died the day she was born 4 weeks later due to strep from a broken water. The autopsy verified that my water had broken several weeks before. Blame and guilt are hard to bear sometimes. Sjona

Email Address: bonitaazul@aol.com

Mary Burnette · from Jackson, MS

Jan 25, 1999 · 10:52

I just received my first issue of your newsletter....it is wonderful!! Keep up the good work!

Email Address: maryburnette@bsosc.com

Denice Stewart · from VA

Jan 25, 1999 · 18:50

Kayla Janae Stewart age 8 months died 11-29-98.And I died with her.I am torn between being left in this world to finish my journey and wanting to be let home early to be with Kayla.I have three other children and Kayla is in the safe arms of Jesus so I know I have to find out who this new person is that I have became.I know one thing she is new & improved.And even through she is struggling to understand the lost of Kayla,she feels the worst pain on Earth.I pray for away to make my life mean more to me.It is an awakening that my baby is in heaven and I can not let nothing keep me from getting there too.I must love more,pray harder and live my life on the promises of the Lord.I know I am being "carried by Jesus"now and when I am stronger I will be able to walk with him by my side.I love you Lord and Even through I do not know why something so awful has happen to our family I know my human thinking can never equal the wisdom that only you have.I feel sometimes my love for you is being tested but that is the only thing that has not changed since losing my Kayla.I love you and know you do not make mistakes.My Kayla was pure love and this world was just not good enough - Heaven is.Thanks for reading. to heaven with my Kayla.

Email Address: destew1234@aol.com

Doug & Kim Neblett · from Honolulu, HI

Jan 29, 1999 · 16:09

I did sign guest book back on July 22nd 98, but we have moved and have a new e-mail address in case anyone would like to write and just talk dneblett8@prodigy.net thank you for this site, I know it has helped me . Kim Neblett

Email Address: dneblett8@prodigy.net

Kimberly Lotz · from Merced, CA

Feb 1, 1999 · 15:01

My first born son was stillborn on January 11,1996.We named him Tyler Branden Lotz.Please visit his web sit in his memory and sign his guest book.It is currently underconstruction but will be completed the end of Feb. 1999.I would like to share our story with anyone who would like to hear it. www.geocities.com/Area51/Dimension/2446

Email Address: kimlotz@yahoo.com

Christopher Pike · from San Diego, CA

Feb 1, 1999 · 18:02

Today would be my son Christopher’s 2nd birthday. It’s hard to believe two years have passed since he came and left us too quickly. Much has changed in the past 24 months, including me. It is easy to say that my innocence is gone and that my perception of the world will be forever besmirched. True enough. But my son would not be proud of me if I allowed his passing to taint and spoil all the virtue that surrounds me. I have a loving, supportive wife and family. We have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl who will learn of the big brother who left his indelible mark upon us, and whom she resembles greatly. My faith is intact and I have been steeled by this ache. I mourn, but I am not cowed. I endure and I carry Christopher’s memory proudly. I will see you again someday, my son. Look for me.

Email Address: chris.pike@marconi-is.com

Michele Maher · from Mt Vernon, IL

Feb 12, 1999 · 06:01

I lost my baby angel nicholas on december 15, 1998 to Group B Strep, I had tested negative a week before delivery. I sat up last night just wondering why me/why him???We probaly have asked that. As I read your column I feel that I'm not alone and we all will get through this. I have alot of faith, I guess thats why I have come this far. God Bless all the Mommies that are suffering. Michele

Email Address: maher01@midwest.com

Christine & Richard Waldrop · from Poway, CA

Feb 18, 1999 · 16:02

We lost our angel Brittney Marie at 38 weeks due to "cord torsion", her cord was too short and had twisted itself severely, not a minute goes by that we don't think about her, but we know that God will bless us with another child.

Email Address: tncwaldrop@aol.com

Christina Mahoney · from Gloucester Point, Virginia

Feb 19, 1999 · 13:32

I delivered a girl named Kaitlyn Madison Mahoney on April 24, 1998. She arrived three months early due to complications resulting from an amniocentesis and a placental abruption. She weighed two pounds, one ounce and lived for two days.

Email Address: cmahoney@admin.sbo.gc.k12.va.us

Donna Ray · from Burleson, TX

Feb 23, 1999 · 23:44

John Barnett, father of Lori King, recommended that I log on to mend.org. We lost our daughter, Ellie, to SIDS on Christmas Eve. She was born December 23rd, 1998. I finally had the strength to log on and read some of the newsletters and other information. I would like to attend a meeting. I know Lori's father through my job and really am thankful that she has such wonderful parent's to support her. Thank you for creating this mission.

Email Address: donna.ray@peri.com

Edwina J. Jackson · from Dallas, Texas

Feb 24, 1999 · 11:04

On 4 Dec. my first grandchild, a grandson was born at 6.5 months & died 2 hours before delivery. I never got to hold him. The kids live in Fairfax, VA while my partner & I live in Dallas, TX. This is the greatest pain I have ever known & it seems that so many don't understand. Their idea is often that "he never lived" but he did live - for 6.5 months in Karen's womb - and eternity in my future. He will never call me Grammie. I need some help & support from people who understand and know that he truly did live.

Email Address: ejackson@cathedralofhope.com

Kim Taylor · from Missouri

Feb 24, 1999 · 21:23

On the days that I become overwhelmed in grief it has helped me to remember that I am still a good Mother, even though my little bundle of joy is not living here on earth. I gave my child more love than I ever knew I could give. I held him in my arms only to feel his spirit returned to the One who gave him life. I trusted in My Lord to take him into His care because I knew that only He could give him paradise. I was willing to give my own life in exchange for his. I was the only Mother that God had selected for my son. I carried him in my womb knowing miracles of life are not guaranteed... I took that chance. I mourned uncontrollably for the loss of my precious baby. I gave him a name. I buried his little body in the ground. I have pushed on in life with that empty space still in my heart. I keep his memory alive by continuing to remind others that he was here but now he is gone. I am still proud that I conceived him, gave birth to him and he was so beautiful. I said hello and good bye to him and told him how sorry I was to let him go. I will always cherish him. Everything I did for my son makes me a good Mother... I did not fail!!! Other Mothers too... should hold their heads high... stay proud... remember... you are the BEST MOM!!! Sincerely, Jody's Mom

Email Address: smfamw7@aol.com

Jennie Atkins · from Montgomery, AL

Mar 2, 1999 · 02:46

My husband and I recently experienced the loss of our child, Mary Cameron. She was stillborn on January 28th due to a cord accident at 40 weeks.

Email Address: Opelia794@aol.com

Retta Norris · from Dallas

Mar 5, 1999 · 22:14

I first discovered your web site shortly after we lost our baby in August. It was somehow comforting to see that other people were experiencing this unbearable pain also. Nearly six months later, I still feel the pain very deeply. We lost our "angel" on Aug 26 1998 unknown cause (which was very hard to accept) at 18 weeks. Now we are trying to conceive again with no success thus far. This has been very difficutl for me because we have never had problems getting pregnant before. I feel all the pain coming back again with each month that goes by and I'm not pregnant. I thank God everyday for the two healthy boys we have but somehow that doesn't make my pain any more bearable. I would very much like to email with someone who has had similar circumstances. I find it very hard to discuss this with my "friends" or even my family. Thank you, Rebekah, your work with this organization is so powerful.

Email Address: rettanorri@aol.com

Melanie Burgess · from Texas

Mar 7, 1999 · 15:42

I am having a difficult time right now. On the twenty-fifth of March it will be three years since my precious son Shawn Patrick passed away. He was born prematurely at 27 weeks gestation, and fought for life for almost two months. I was there when he started his short journey on Earth, and I held him and kissed him goodbye as he left to be with the Lord in Heaven. His life and death have affected my life in more ways than I had thought possible. My husband and I were blessed with another pregnancy less than a month after Shawn died. Within a years time I gave birth to a beautiful son, was devastated by his death, and then right before the year was up I gave birth to another perfect little boy. Jacob Lance is now a gorgeous two year old who has given us so much joy. I would appreciate someone to correspond with through e-mail who has been through a similar experience. I'm writing this through my tears, so please forgive any misspellings or other errors! May God bless you all and comfort you in your times of grief.

Email Address: mburgess_@excite.com

Amanda Martin · from Kingston, Ontario, Canada

Mar 8, 1999 · 17:48

I have recently suffered the loss of my son Jonathan due to stillbirth. I would appreciate any and all advice your society could give me to make this time more bearable for me and my fiance. I feel so empty and like I have nowhere to turn for help, like the world has shut itself against me. I miss him so much, I feel like theres nowhere I can go for advice or support. I love my son, and I wish he was here with me.

Email Address: monalisa_hanson@yahoo.com

Liz & Worth · from Roswell, GA

Mar 10, 1999 · 22:33

My husband and I lost our first born child, Sonny, on January 29, 1999. He died due to a cord accident at 41 weeks.

Email Address: duperier@mindspring.com

Mark and Amy Allred · from Greenville,TX

Mar 12, 1999 · 12:11

We appreciate the work you do to support families like us!!!

Email Address: theallreds@juno.com

Amy Allred · from Greenville, TX

Mar 12, 1999 · 12:37

I know that I already signed the guest book, but I am looking for someone who can identify with our baby's situation. We found out at 21 weeks that our precious baby had not formed a skull. We waited six weeks, did another soogram, and then induced labor. our baby died during delivery as expected, but also had spina bifida among other problems. I have been looking through the guest book, and have not found anything like this. If your situation is similar, please respond.

Email Address: theallreds@juno.com

Britt and Elisabeth Brandenburg · from Coppell, Texas

Mar 17, 1999 · 23:56

March 4, 1999 was the last day I felt my little girl kick. I was at my 36th week. I had just had a sonogram Monday and everything was wonderful. I went to the hospital on Friday morning hoping that I was overreacting. At 10:00 a.m. I found out that she did not have a heartbeat. They induced labor and my husband and I delivered Madison Rose at 9:34 a.m. March 6th. Maddie died of a cord accident. It was looped around her arm. She was born still. She was 7lbs. 7oz. and perfect. We got pictures, footprints, a lock of hair, and said our good-byes. We burried her March 9th. She will always be our little angel. Mommy and Daddy love you, Maddie.

Email Address: brittnbeth@aol.com

Ami Love · from Columbus, Ohio

Mar 19, 1999 · 21:09

My fiance and I lost our twins last week in my ninth week of pregnancy due to a miscarriage. This was the worst pain of my life I have ever endured. As I laid on the table while my Dr was begining our second ultrasound, I immediately knew my babies were not ok as I could tell neither of them had heartbeats anymore. I was in complete shock and could not think of anything other than this cannot be happening to us. I had a D & C done a week ago today and still wake up every morning with a tear in my eye wishing to feel that tiny little buldge in my belly just beginning to grow. How I long to feel those babies growing in me again. I guess God will bless us agian when he feels the time is right, but for now it is just so hard to accept why. I now can begin to understand the pain and emptiness my parents felt and are still feeling after the death of my oldest brother. I have always missed him and wished to be able to hug and talk to him just one more time, but what a totally different mourning I am going thru now. I pray for all of us going thru this kind of devestating loss and send my blessings that we may all find the strength to carry on as we know in our hearts that is what our precious babies would want us to do! I would love to hear from any of you with any advice, I am doing alot of reading and research, but it helps to hear actual stories and feelings of those who are going through this same loss.

Email Address: nalalove1@aol.com

Sharon Weinhofer · from Queens, NY

Mar 21, 1999 · 03:00

This is the first time that I have found this site. My son, Matthew, was due on August 29, 1999. On August 25, 1999 I hadn't felt him move all day. Later that afternoon, I went to the hospital for a checkup only to find that he had no heartbeat. An autopsy revealed an additional lobe in my placenta, but they are not sure why my son died. He was a perfect baby. During the first few months, I was numb, and I felt like I was in a bad dream. Now it is 7 months later, and I feel that I should be handling this better than I am, but instead, I now feel like I am falling apart. We are trying to have another baby, and I am consumed with it, as well as consumed by anger and grief and everything else. I don't feel like I am handling this well. How am I supposed to feel? I can't stand to hear about anyone else pregnant. I was in a support group, it was OK. I am going to try private counseling. Thank you for listening to me.

Email Address: micrazi@aol.com

Jayne Brown · from Dallas, TX

Mar 22, 1999 · 17:45

My name is Jayne and my daughter Angel Christine was stillborn January 13, 1998. Since then I have been in touch with so many organizations and M.E.N.D. has been really wonderful. Angel died as a result of a cord accident. Her cord was not attached to the placenta correctly and twisted until she lost all oxygen. I was so devastated when I found out. I never in my life thought that anything like that would happen to me. Angel was unexpected but never unwanted. I never questioned why because I believe that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. She was just so precious that God wanted her up there with Him. i talk about her to her older sister Sydni (4) all the time and she is starting to realize what happened to Angel. I want to thank all individuals and organizations out there dedicated to comforting and supporting all those who have suffered losses of our precious little ones. Please email me if you wan to share your story or just need someone to talk to.

Email Address: jcbrown38@yahoo.com

Shelly · from Edmonton, Alberta Canada

Mar 25, 1999 · 18:35

June 14, 1996 I was 6 and half months pregnant when my daughter was born by C-section. Kaylee weight 470 grams (1 pound) she lived for 58 days, she died Aug 11,1996. I have a memorial page for her if you want to visit it. http://members.tripod.com/~Kayang_99/Kayindex.html

Email Address: scv@telusplanet.net

Sondra Schiltz · from Findlay, Ohio

Mar 27, 1999 · 01:20

On March 17, 1998 Erich Wade Schiltz was stillborn by emergency c-section due to placental abruption. It caused a life threatening hemorrage. My husband and I have questioned fate and God on why it happened. There was no warning of it. I had been to the doctor that day and was told it could be anytime and if not over the weekend they would induce labor the next week. I was excited and rushed home to tell my husband the news. We were getting excited knowing the end was near and we would soon be able to hold our son and have 3 healthy children and 2 angels. Life was not meant to be that way. I have two children from prior marriage and life. Wade and I have no children together. He has adopted the son from a prior marriage. The pregnancy was very uneventful and he was a very active baby and very strong. Later that afternoon contractions started and went for 4 hours at ten minutes apart and about 6 they went to five minutes apart and we were told to go to the hospital where they would be waiting on us. They were and things were still fine he had a very strong heartbeat and I was 4 cm dilated and progressing fine. Next thing I know I thought my water had broken but I was hemorraging and Erich was immediately in distress and they did an emergency c-section. He was born 8 1/2 minutes after the hemorrage started. He had been without oxygen for to long to be saved though they tried.The doctors and nurses left the operating room crying. He was a perfection imitation of his father from the hair to the feet. We held him as did his grandparents. We had him baptized that night. My husband sure learned alot about nursing while I was in the hospital! He has been my best support, nurse and friend. Life has not been easy this past year! The trigger is believed to be anti-nuclear antibodies. If anyone knows about this please let me know. Please e-mail me if you ever need anyone to talk to. We love and miss you dearly our angel, Erich!!!

Email Address: slschiltz1

Monique · from Toronto, Canada

Mar 29, 1999 · 23:14

The first anniversary of my beautiful's daughter's death is approaching April 3. Her name was Emma Caitlyn Janice and she was born in cardiac arrest one week afetr her due date. This was our first child and her death hit us like a brick wall in the face. I had the most amazing pregnancy - no morining sickness, no high blood pressure - absolutely nothing to indicate there were any problems. I went into labour early morning April 3 and after two and a half hours was in terrible pain. My husband and I went to the hospital where I was told everything was fine and that I wasn't dilated enough to be admitted. We were concerned because the heartrate was terribly erratic but it was dismissed. Around 4 pm we back to the hospital because I knew something wasn't right. My water was broken and mecconium was found. The doctor on-call wasn't too concerned but mentioned to my mother (a nurse) that I might be sectioned. Well, to make a long, heartbreaking story short - after 14 hours of labour and Emma's heartrate erratically dropping from 150 to 50 I was rushed in for an emergancy c-section but it was too late our precious little angel was gone. The shock was unlike any I've ever imagined because my pregnancy was so perfect. My husband and I held our daughter for the first and last time that night and I have to say even a year later that those where the most precious moments of my life and if I had to do it all over again to hold her for five more minutes I would. I think about her night and day and my heart aches for her. I commend all the women who have had the courage to reach out for advice and those who have shared their own tragedies in effort to help someone else. Congradulations to MEND for a fine job.

Email Address: www.monique.m@home.com

Tracy Wondaal · from IN

Mar 31, 1999 · 03:38

LOSS A DAUGHTER AT 14 DAYS, DUE TO A PCVC LINE INFULTRATING... SHE WAS THE BIGGEST ONE OF QUADS........

Email Address: TRACYISTRO@AOL.COM

Erica Jenkins · from Oak park, MI

Mar 31, 1999 · 18:20

I lost my son Joshua, 11/27/98 and it was the most devastating experience I hope and pray that no one could ever experience. He was born on 05/30/98, at 25wks. My water broke and I stayed in the hospital for two weeks before he came. He never came off the ventilator. He survived for almost six months. I use to call him "Mommies little hotdog". I tried committing suicide shortly after his death. I recieved therapy and it helps a great deal. I was mad at myself for not having more faith in my religion. I finally realize that it wasn't true. It was just his time to go. I miss him very much and I know one day we shall meet again. I am looking for a mom or dad who shared the same experience I did and learned how to deal with their lost of their child who could please give some inspirational words to keep me going. Thank You.

Email Address: joshiesMom05@hotmail.com

Leshia Nelson · from Burley, Idaho

Apr 2, 1999 · 11:52

Good Friday it is. My heart is heavy but also joyous to the upcoming Holy Weekend. My thoughts today are with my daughter, Shelby Rosa, who we lost in November of 1997, our baby Nelson who we lost to miscarriage in November 1998. I know they are with us. It still hurts so much not having them here. We are now expecting again. I am now 13 weeks along. All is well so far. I just wanted to post a message to all those parents out there who are struggling through the loss of a child. This pain is so overwhelming. But I know I have a Power much greater than myself that has carried me and continues to wrap His love around myself and my husband. Happy Easter to all and my thoughts are with each and every one of you. May the Lord Bless and keep us all. Leshia

Email Address: nelsonbl@safelink.net

Jennifer Buterakos · from Grand Blanc, Michigan

Apr 4, 1999 · 13:43

I wrote about my son Tyler who passed away on 1-7-99. Tyler was born 3 months premature on 12-5-98. He lived for one short month and we miss him so very much, but know that he is safe in Heaven with my father. I hope that everyone here has a wonderful EASTER and know that your little angel is safe. We all have to have that FAITH!!! We WILL see our Angels again. Anyways, my e-mail address has changed so I hope that if anyone has e-mailed me please don't think that I have been ignoring you. I just haven't had an e-mail address. I hope to get one soon, but in the mean time I'll use my mom's.

Email Address: BHGKATHY@AOL.COM

Shelly · from Canada

Apr 5, 1999 · 13:22

Hi I signed the guest book before but I have a new email address and a new memorial for my daughter so if any wants to place flowers. Please sign my guest book http://www.geocities.com/~tstevens/kvuong.html

Email Address: kayang_99@yahoo.com

Alisa · from Donna, TX

Apr 7, 1999 · 22:02

This site is exactly what I have been looking for since I came home from the hospital. My baby Sharon was delivered by emergency C-section on March 7, 1999 when I was only 23 weeks along. God has given me a great deal of peace and comfort through my whole ordeal. He gave me two miracles on that terrible day that literally saved my life (I had complications on the operating table and should have died). I just want to give him all the praise and glory for my very existance. To all those mothers and fathers who still can't understand why this happened to you; try to stop asking why and focus your thoughts and attention to the God that gives you life each and every day. I know that it is very hard not to wonder why it all happened, because I did for a few days. But God helped me to realize very quickly that asking why was only causing me more grief and that I needed to be thankful for the life I have. God bless you!!

Email Address: sharon_hope@hotmail.com

Mari Anderson · from Costa Mesa, CA

Apr 10, 1999 · 23:19

I lost my daughter two months ago adn I hate myself. I constantly blame my self. See I have a son from a previous marriage and Paris was my husband first child. It is so weird how life just turns on you. I thought I was going to bring home a small baby (she was born early) instead we had to plan her death not her baby shower. I am just so angry at times. Again I do thank God for letting me have 11 wonderful days with her.

Email Address: msa93@oclink.com

Fiona & Mark McLaughlin · from Scotland

Apr 11, 1999 · 16:31

My husband and I have, for the last 2 years, been looking for information about miscarriage. We have been unfortunate enough to suffer the loss of 3 babies, all at 6 weeks gestation. Tonight, we have read practically everything that is on this web site and certainly for me, it has brought back lots of memories. I could only see people from USA and Canada who had signed the guest book and wondered whether I should or not. I have never actually sat and written about how I feel about the 3 babies we have lost because I, quite honestly, don't know how to. I can't even imagine the words I would use to describe how I feel. We talk about them to each other but no one in our families ever mentions them. If we do, then they get all embarressed and uneasy about the subject. I find this quite unbearable. We lost our first baby in 24 March 1997. We had been married for 6 months but had been told that it was highly unlikely that we would ever have children...you can imagine the joy when we found out we were pregnant. We were on cloud nine for about 5 days when suddenly, I started bleeding. Our Doctor laughed at us and said 'oh well, it looks like you've lost it this time!!!!' We were heart broken. We got all the usual comments..you're young..there must be something wrong with it...at least you were only 6 weeks, it would be worse if you were further on... We lost our second baby in October 1997 and our third in August 1998, we are hoping to get pregnant again soon but we are terrified to find out when we do incase anything else goes wrong. Unfortunately, us Brits tend to be 'the stiff upper lip' types and it is not 'normal' to discuss things like this in groups. I feel strange about writing this, but, I have to say that I now feel that, at least our babies have been acknowledged. Up until now, I feel that people think we are neurotic because we still grieve for our unborn babies. I can see now that we are 'just normal.' I write this in memory of our 3 babies that we got a chance to love, but not to know. Fiona McLaughlin

Email Address: FIONAM001@aol.com

Kathleen Schwitzner · from Brookfield, IL

Apr 12, 1999 · 17:42

Our son David was born 03/04/99 and lived 35 minutes. He was born at 29 weeks. During the pregnancy, he was diagnosed with fetal bladder outlet obstruction, which we tried to alleviate with both bladder drains and catheter surgery. After his birth (and death), he was diagnosed with VACTERL, a group of associated birth defects (each letter of VACTERL stands for a defect). I would welcome correspondence with anyone who has lost a child due to the bladder problem (also prune belly) or VACTERL. Our sadness is compounded by the loss of another child due to miscarriage in late 1997. I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever take a child home with us from the hospital... Take care everyone. This is a very hard thing to live with.

Email Address: schwitz@anet.com

Amy & David Cady · from Roswell, GA

Apr 13, 1999 · 10:02

We lost our baby girl, Hope, at 32 weeks on January 10, 1999. She was stillborn due to a CORD ACCI####. Hope was beautiful and perfect in every way. She had a tiny little nose and mouth and perfectly formed fingers and toes. She weighed 3 lbs. 4 oz. and was 16 1/2 inches long. Our precious "Hopey" changed our lives forever! We have never known such pain or incredible love. "If only" I knew she was struggling for life New Years Eve. "If only" I recognized the signs. "If only" I knew then what I know now. "If only" I could hold her again-I would hold her forever in my arms, not only in my heart. May God bless all of us who have lost our sweet, longed for babies. May He give us all "Hope" for the future.

Email Address: adcady@bellsouth.net

Stephanie · from Anchorage, AK

Apr 13, 1999 · 19:49

After finding out that I had identical twin baby girls with Twin To Twin Transfusion Syndrome in January, I elected to have therapuetic amnio taps to try and carry the girls. I went into the hospital on March 5th in hopes of making it to 28 weeks. The girls were monitored 3 times a day, and we had taps every couple of days. On March 17th at 26 weeks, between my second and third monitor of the day, my sweet angels died. Kaylor Lee and Haley Briann were stillborn on March 19, 1999. They were perfect in every way, just small. How I miss them....

Email Address: SAMatzoo@aol.com

Lina Sorrentino · from Davis, CA

Apr 14, 1999 · 20:16

I was very impressed by this website. I love anything that has to do with saving lives and especially the lives of our innocent babies. I'm a pro-lifer and hope that you will come to see my website. I also have an email list called "People for Life". It is for educating and keeping up with all the news in the pro-life movement. I would love to have you join. God bless you. Your sister through Christ, Lina

Email Address: linkie@crosschek.com

Cheryl Schneider · from Edmonton, Alberta

Apr 16, 1999 · 01:11

On June 8, 1996 our little girl, Victoria was born at 7 lbs and 11 ounces at 39 weeks. She was such a healthy and beautiful looking baby. It's been almost 3 years since we had to say goodbye to her and in some ways it feels like just yesterday. One of my greatest sorrows is that we do not have any joyful or comforting memories of her. Only the memories of pain, sadness, and helplessness. If only once I would love to think of her without the tears and heartache. It brings some comfort to know that there are parents out there that understand the heartache of losing a child, a child that we did not have the chance to know. If anyone would like to correspond please email me.

Email Address: martha2b@oanet.com

Angie Newman · from Simpsonville, CA

Apr 17, 1999 · 22:16

I LOST MY TWO TWIN GIRLS BORN 3/26/98.AMANDA DIED 3/28/98. ASHLEY WENT TO JOIN HER SISTER 5/8/98.THEY WERE TAKEN AT 26 WEEKS.AMANDA WEIGHED 15.5oz ASHLEY WEIGHED 1pound 2 OZ.

Email Address: NOT SURE

Deborah Stecker · from NY

Apr 19, 1999 · 12:23

My baby girl Jacklynn Elizabeth Stecker was stillborn 3/16/99 one week before her due date. There is not a day that goes by that my thought and tears are not for Jacklynn. It has been 34 days since my nightmare began and recently I realized it will never end.

Email Address: deborah@thesteckers.com

Kerry Lee · from Lyndhurst, Ontario, Canada

Apr 20, 1999 · 11:39

Third child, Cassandra Dawn was born at 38 weeks. At 14 hours old was diagnosed with a heart problem. After being transferred to another hospital it was determined that she had Transposition of The Great Vessels. Underwent open heart surgery at 7 days old and survived for another five weeks following. After a long and lengthy struggle she was removed from life support after we saw that she was sufferring from many brain hemmorages. She passed away one day shy of six weeks. June 19, 1997 - July 30, 1997. I have gone on to have one more child, my last, and am hoping to correspond with other moms who have had this type of loss.

Email Address: angel@kingston.net

LaWanda Parsons · from Grovetown, Georgia

Apr 23, 1999 · 14:22

I and my husband just lost our first baby on April 15, 1999. We have been married for three years and where happily expecting our child. We found out that we had a baby boy, which is what we wanted most of all. We are heart-broken and bewildered. May God give us direction.

Email Address: Bantu60@hotmail.com

Kammy Smith · from Pocatello, Idaho

Apr 24, 1999 · 15:16

On February 16, 1999 I lost my little girl. She was stillborn weighing 4 ounces. I didn't think that I could ever get through it. I am now starting to heal emotionally. Things are getting easier and life has to go one. I miss her and know that she is with God.

Email Address: Idahoflowr@aol.com

Sue Koepke · from WI

Apr 26, 1999 · 21:00

I too am a survivor of the loss of a child to Sids! people who are going throgh this time need to know that there is healing and great joy still to come in their life! but they must allow Jesus to heal them, this does not mean that they just forget about their child, in fact talking about their child and not trying to act like he or she never existed is on of the keys to healing! I ment a woman a while back who had lost her child 18 years ago,but she had never moved from grieving to healing because after her child died no one would let her talk about him! they acted like he never exsited, so she never healed!

Email Address: squeak70@mailcity.com

Denise Hillyard · from Riverview, FL

Apr 30, 1999 · 23:13

In February of 1994, I suffered a ruptured placenta and we lost our son Robert at 17 days.

Email Address: hillyardhotel@yahoo.com

Tracy Utterback · from Mt Pleasant, Michigan

May 1, 1999 · 15:57

It is coming upon a year that I lost my beautiful baby girl Dominique. May 15th is the day she was born/died at 22 1/2 weeks. I have come a long way in my grief. I didn't think I would know in this life time why this happened, but now know it was to make me a stronger person. I have dealt with this mostly alone. I have been receiving your newsletter for almost a year now and have found it to be a great help. What a wonderful thing you are doing for all of us parents who have lost children. Keep up the great work and thank you for being here for me. God Bless, Love Tracy

Email Address: utterbutter911

Michele & Robert Kallus · from LaGrange, Texas

May 1, 1999 · 18:35

Peace Be With Us All.

Email Address: mkallus@cvtv.net

Joshua Kallus · from LaGrange, Texas

May 1, 1999 · 19:33

We lost our Sarah Elizabeth on Oct.15,1999. She is and always will be my baby sister, the one I always wanted. Big brother loves you Sarah. Love, Joshua As in Joanne Cacciatore's Book. "Dear Cheyenne" "we have reached the Red Sea in our lives, we can't go back, we can't go around, so we must go through it." Michele.

Email Address: mkallus@cvtv.net

Deidre' and Kyle Bramlett · from Dallas, Texas

May 3, 1999 · 16:34

We lost our baby girl, Kayce Dolores, at 24 weeks. I had a weak cervix and had a bulging bag when I went into labor. She was born on March 14th by emergency c-section and passed away on March 15th. She died due to numerous complications after birth. She is in heaven now with my mom and not a day goes by that I do not think of them together watching over us. I would love to talk to anyone who has lost a baby at 24 weeks. Thank you to my husband who has been my "Hero" through all of this and continues to be the "wind beneath my wings". We love you Kayce and will one day meet again...Mom and Dad

Email Address: deidre.bramlett@amend.com

Kim Boyle · from Kelowna B.C. Canada

May 3, 1999 · 19:13

My daughter Madalaine Lee April 23,1995 was born still at 28 weeks due to complications from H.E.L.L.P. syndrome. Even after all this time I still need more answers. I have very little info on the syndrome and would love to here from you if you've had a simular experience.

Email Address: http://hotmailboylegoylz

Tamara Brown · from Eglin A.F.B., FL

May 4, 1999 · 01:02

My husband and I lost our beautiful baby boy, Anthony Jamal, on June 9,1998. Our son died of Hypoplastic Left heart Syndrome. His disease was found when I was 5 months pregnant with him. After some nights filled with tears, my husband and I decided to have sugery done on Anthony's heart. He was born at 40 weeks and 5 days. He weighed 9lbs and 7ozs. He looked very healthy and strong, but his poor heart was extremly weak. The doctors decided to go ahead with the surgery on Anthony's 4th day of life. Before Anthony went into surgery, I whispered in his ear,"I love you. I will always love you. Good Bye." That was the last time I saw him alive. I don't think I would have been able to go on with my live if my Husband wasn't there to go through the heartache with me. I can only thank God that I have a healthy 3year old and another baby expected to be here in June 1999. Please E mail us if you had a infant die recently of Hypoplastic Left Heart syndrome. God be with you.

Email Address: yogi4@gateway.net

Nansi Stretcher · from Dallas, TX

May 6, 1999 · 11:11

We found out about 7 months into the pregnancy that something was wrong with our daughter Melanie. The doctors didn't know what it was or how serious it was, but she wasn't moving like she should and she kept arms and legs contracted. We monitored her twice a week for the remainder of the pregnancy. Her heartbeat remained strong and her growth stayed on track for a healthy baby. On the morning of April 12th I went in for a C-Section. Because the doctors still didn't know what was wrong with Melanie they made sure that the neonatologists were on-hand and ready for anything. Melanie came out completely silent and struggling to breathe. They immediately put her on a respirator and spent the next 17 hours trying to get her lungs to work properly. She never was able to breathe and the doctors removed the respirator late that night. She died in my arms without ever taking a breath or opening her eyes. My greatest sorrow is that I didn't have the time or opportunity to show her how much I love her. I don't have any happy memories of her, so every thought just brings tears. The tentative diagnosis for what killed her is a syndrome called Pena-Shokeir. It's a very rare disease and they're not sure what the chances of reoccurence are if we want to have another baby. I thank God every day for my beautiful 21-month-old son, but I desperately want a baby to hold in my arms.

Email Address: judds@flash.net

Angela Olmstead · from Pennsylvania

May 7, 1999 · 13:52

i would like to be able to find chat sites to help me get through this hard time in my life. i had a son born at 23 weeks and i feel that there is something more that i could have done to prevent this. if you have any information that could help me please email me. thank you

Email Address: a_ngela_98@yahoo.com

Michelle Hs · from England, UK

May 8, 1999 · 20:35

What a wonderful experience to make contact with an organisation which is truly reaching out to "women in need." I experienced the trauma of a miscarriage last year and was extremely fortunate to have the love and support of family and friends.I am now interested in supporting the cause to improve the services offered to families following miscarriage and neonatal death.

Email Address: mjd .hys.@uk gatewaynet

Connie Dooley · from Euless, TX

May 9, 1999 · 18:46

My husband and I lost our baby girl "Madisson" when I was 23 weeks pregnant. I had eclampsia... This was our first, but I have two other children who are 10 and 7 by a previous marriage. My husband is very distraught and upset at God. I am hurting too but am trying to be strong for all of us. He thiniks I have my girls and he has know one. We are hurting... We we're looking so forward to having this baby. It is like we have all negative going for us. He says our marriage is not the same, our family life is not the same. I am scared I am losing him too... I am going to try and attend your meeting on Thursday's . I never thought I would be going through this and looking for answers.

Email Address: ckayforce@aol.com

Karen Ritchey · from Canada

May 9, 1999 · 23:45

Just thinking of all the Mom's with empty arms this Mothers Day... Hugs of courage to each of you... Our son Kyle was born still on June 2,1988,(Potters Syndrome) and there were several years where my Mothers Day was simply a sad day of reflections and tears... I praise God for my three living children that I have now...who made me stale toast and coffee for breakfast today! I will say a special prayer tonight for those Mom's who are without their children...my heart goes out to each one.

Email Address: coney@cheerful.com

Jeff Chappell · from Dallas, Texas

May 10, 1999 · 19:58

........

Email Address: JCHAPP@parknet.pmh.org

Susan Archer · from Indiana

May 15, 1999 · 10:38

I wish there was a MEND group here in Indiana! It's been 16 years since my daughter died after a premature birth, but it NEVER gets any easier to deal with.

Email Address: PSArcher@gte.net

Suzanne · from Mountainburg, AR

May 15, 1999 · 17:59

Hello everyone!!! I have signed before in the guestbook. I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a memorial site in Sean's honor, and thought I would leave the url here. It is: http://www.angelfire.com/ar/OurAngel If you visit the page please let me know what you think. Thanks. Suzanne P.S. In case you were wondering I signed the 1998 guestbook in September.

Email Address: jacsrc@ipa.net

Theresa · from New Jersey

May 15, 1999 · 22:20

I often visit this website for comfort. I signed this guestbook in early September 1998 - about 5 months after my son Philip died at 15 days old. In February of this year, I lost my second child, Nathanael, through a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Please keep me and my husband in your prayers. I would like to hear from someone who has experienced multiple losses. Thank you for maintaining this website. God bless.

Email Address: theresamaria@thedoghousemail.com

Dee · from Ft Riley KS

May 16, 1999 · 21:26

I signed your guest book last year. We now have a home for our angel Brittney if you would like to visit it it is at http://homepage.oz-online.net/~/Brit_1.htm

Email Address: momx5@oz-online.net

Jamie · from Louisville, KY

May 19, 1999 · 04:43

Our beautiful baby boy, Ethan Ryan, was born 7lbs, 7.6 oz, 19 1/2 in. long on March 7, 1999. He was perfectly healthy. We did not go home until March 12 due to my elevated temp following a c-section. But Ethan had no problems. On the 15th, he was very sleepy and I had trouble getting him to eat. After calling his pediatrician we took him to the ER just to be sure he was OK. He was admitted for observation and was believed to have a bacterial infection. From that point on it seems like everything went downhill very, very fast. I was in total shock. Two days later he was transferred to ICU and the day after that he was put on a ventilator (that was a Thursday). I never, ever, ever imagined my newborn baby would end up on a ventilator. I never even thought he would even had to be admitted the night we took him to the ER. That Saturday viral cultures finally came back positive for Influenza B!!!!!!!!!!!!! His lungs were very badly damaged and the following Thursday he went into respiratory failure and was placed on ECMO, a lung bypass machine. He was put on the ECMO to give his lungs a chance to rest and recover, but his lungs could not recover. Ethan lived for 3 weeks and 1 day on ECMO. Ethan died on April 16, 1999, and we buried him on April 19. I still can't believe any of this has happened to us and I can't believe he's gone for good. Ethan was the best thing I've ever done. He was so beautiful and perfect and I loved him so much. I read all these stories and we go to a support group but I've NEVER heard of anything like this happening to anyone else! It's been one month and 2 days and I AM DYING inside! I can't believe I will never see my baby Ethan again. One minute he was fine and then all of the sudden he was so sick. My husband and I have a very good marriage and we are holding on to each other but we both feel like God not only took our baby but took our happy marriage from us. I'm too angry to turn to God right now, maybe that will come later. Please someone help me, I'm falling apart everyday.

Email Address: Sunnye98@Yahoo.com

Mellanie Golec · from Portland, OR

May 19, 1999 · 10:23

I lost a son 10 1/2 years ago. He just stopped breathing. They didn't call it SIDS but they found no reason so they called it "unknown". Although it has been a long time, I have just had another baby so a lot of things come up. I think the feeling that someone has knocked the wind out of you lessens but it never quite goes away.

Email Address: mellgolec@aol.com

Candy · from California

May 21, 1999 · 01:53

About a week and a half ago i miscarried a 12 week baby. I have never known anyone to miscarriage at all. and i am very young. My husband and I felt it was right to have happened but it doesnt take away the sadness i have felt since that day in the ER. I have been more depressed than i have ever been in my whole life and i had no idea why or what was going on and noone to comfort me. I went into a christian chat room on yahoo to find some encouraging words. and they directed me to your web page. i just want to say thank you. you have been a blessing.

Email Address: lakwtrs@kltymail.com

Donna · from Michigan

May 21, 1999 · 02:04

After 18 years of marriage we were expecting our first child. Early in our second trimester my water broke. I carried our daughter for an additonal two months with no amniotic fluid. On Feb. 12, 1998 Ronda was born. We were able to spend time with her in NICU. She lived in NICU for 6 hours and 19 minutes when her lung collapsed causing her heart to stop. Attempts to restart her heart failed. We buried her Valentine's Day.

Email Address: RADO1979@aol.com

Cassie Nipp · from Brownsboro, Texas

May 21, 1999 · 22:50

I have been receiving your newsletter since I lost one of my twins after birth on August 27, 1998. They have really encouraged and helped me tremendously. Thank you for the service that you provide for all of us moms.

Email Address: casnipp@aol.com

Kelli · from Houston, Texas

May 22, 1999 · 00:32

On August 5, 1998, my sister gave birth to triplets after spending 4½ weeks lying in a hospital bed. The babies were born at 27½ weeks ranging from 1 lb. to almost 2 lbs. The babies were all struggling for life, but seemed to be improving as the days went by. The smallest of the three seemed to be doing the best in that he had prepared for birth and was the reason my sister was forced into labor. Then on October 1, 1998, after spending days and nights at the hospital with her growing babies the smallest of three was having digestive problems and doctors determined that they needed to perform surgery. After coming out of surgery the nurse looked at my sister and she new that it was his time to go. The nurse told my sister that the baby's intestines were totally dead. At this point, my sister and all her family was there at the hospital holding and caressing baby, Andrew, all the time knowing that these were his final moments. We all said a prayer and my sister asked us to all leave NICU. About 15 minutes later they came out having made the decision to let there baby go. I just remember looking at my sister and her husband and seeing more love than I could ever imagine and such unselfishness to allow their baby to go and be in a better place. As you know little one you will always be their shooting star. Love, Aunt Kelli

Email Address: mattibear@worldnet.att.net

Jessica Lightfoot · from West Palm Beach, FL

May 26, 1999 · 21:35

My husband and I lost a twin, Will, three years ago. He was born at 28 weeks and lived for 6 hours. If anyone has a similar situation please e-mail me or call 561-697-2792.

Email Address: Usmclight@aol.com

Kimberly Ward · from TX

May 27, 1999 · 17:24

i lost twins shortly after birth. susan was 18 hours old, samantha 20 minutes. for anybody that has lost a child god bless. this is the hardest thing for me to deal with. if anybody needs to talk feel free to email me.

Email Address: paulmena@mindspring.com

Sylvia Fernandez · from Miami, Florida

May 28, 1999 · 09:33

On May 14, 1999 I was spotting and was scheduled for a sonogram that morning only to learn that my baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks gestational age. I was at that moment in my 11th week of my pregnancy. The news was devastating and I have been lucky to have a wonderful family and doctor to help me understand what went wrong. Although we will never know exactly what happened, I have been assured that most probably it was due to a chromosomal abnormality. Nonetheless, we have spoken about trying again eventhough this lost pregnancy was a total surprise and not planned. I just turned 40 in April and I have two grown children ages 13 1/2 and 11 years old. But, we had alot of illusions of being parents for a third time and now that dream was shattered. I guess I am looking for support in the idea of conceiving again at my age and wanting to know similar mothers in my situation who have decided to get pregnant again and what was the outcome. The fear of going through this is very real. I know the amnio is available but I would hate to be confronted with the decision of choosing to terminate a pregnancy if some abnormalities arise. I know there are no guarantees but it may help to know that there are happy endings the second time around. Thank you and I look forward to your response.

Email Address: avelinof@bellsouth.net

Jan & Sean Allen · from Dallas, Texas

May 29, 1999 · 22:14

I have found comfort in your website as I did not realize there were so many who have experienced infant death. Our son, Blake Leland Allen was stillborn on April 21, 1999. He was 21 weeks. Pregnancy was going well until April 21, when a few hrs after dr visit, I began spotting. Went into preterm labor due to imcompetent cervix and placenta separating too soon. His heart was strong until the very end. We had tried for over 10 years to have him and miss him terribly. Would love to hear similar stories: Jatrog@aol.com

Email Address: Jatrog@aol.com

Calvin & Mylisa Halcomb · from Wake Forest, NC

Jun 1, 1999 · 21:03

We have lost our third child in a year to miscarriage. It has been so hard even though you know you have been blessed with one healthy child. We are so greatful for people who will listen and understand.

Email Address: CMCFaith@Juno.com

Jeanne Morris · from San Diego, CA

Jun 2, 1999 · 16:48

Our beautiful daughter Amanda was stillborn on July 4, 1998 due to a problem with her umbilical cord. She was our first child. I think of her every day and I can still see her little face and perfect body. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my grief, although I wish that none of us had to deal with it. It would be a comfort to communicate with any moms (or dads) who have any suggestions on how to deal with the first anniversary. It also is so difficult to deal with waiting to be pregnant again.

Email Address: jeannem@cts.com

Kristine Kjolhede · from Dallas

Jun 3, 1999 · 16:52

My husband and I suffered the loss of our daughter Katherine at 36weeks. I have been given this website as a source. We are interested in coming to your next meeting in July. Thank you for providing such an outlet to grieving parents.

Email Address: neatnik1@airmail.net

Barbie Reynolds · from Ft. Worth, TX

Jun 3, 1999 · 17:22

Thank you for this site! It's the first time I have heard of M.E.N.D. 9 years ago, my husband and I lost our first daughter to anencephaly. We were blessed by having 37 hours with Jesica! We know that God has a plan and purpose in everything and Jesica's life and death was and is part of His awesome plan. We are now in Ft. Worth going to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. I just wanted to thank you for this support group. I didn't have anything like this in 1990 when I lost Jesica. God will richly bless you as you minister to others.

Email Address: reynolds@swbts.swbts.edu

Jill · from Marthasville, Missouri

Jun 3, 1999 · 20:32

I am so pleased to have found this sight! You are doing exactly what I had hoped to begin in our community! My husband and I lost Clara Anna, fullterm, Stillborn July 4, 1995. We had her at home (planned) with a midwife. Everything went well until the end of labor. Having passed through the "rawness" of my grief I find how much the Lord has taught me, and caused my faith in Him to grow. The pain is never gone, but it is easier to deal with. We were just blessed with the birth of our 2nd son, Samuel. If there's anyone who has had a stillbirth, especially as a homebirth, I'd Love to hear from you! May God richly bless your ministry!

Email Address: cccland@usmo.com

Barbie · from Ft. Worth, TX

Jun 3, 1999 · 22:29

Just a quick addition to my previous entry today. I want to encourage especially those who have lost their first child. I had a hard time on Mother's Day after losing my first daughter, Jesica. It was 3 years before I was blessed with my second daughter (who is now a very healthy 5 year old). Mother's Day seemed to be even harder than Jesi's birthday or other holidays. I knew in my heart that I was a Mommy, but had no outward evidence of that. There is hope. I also now have a healthy LIVELY 3 yr old boy. I believe from the time of conception, you are a Mommy! Don't let anyone take that away from you! God Bless everyone who has lost a child. P.S. A note for the dads, I know your grief is just as real! God is the ultimate Comforter! Rely on Him.

Email Address: reynolds@swbts.swbts.edu

Louise Fern · from Pueblo, CO

Jun 4, 1999 · 22:43

How I wish the internet and sites such as this were around 14 years ago. I lost my firstborn son Justin at 20 weeks on January 9, 1984 for no apparent reason. The people at the hospital were not supportive nor seemed to be trained to deal with infant death. Ironically the woman in labor next to me also lost her child the same night. I later received support through Compassionate Friends. I later had a healthy pregnancy and son Joshua who is now 12. I am so glad there is more education and knowledge of how deep the pain of losing a child you only knew inside you. The pain is just as real. You go on but you never totally forget. I am looking forward to the day when Jesus returns and I get to see Justin again.

Email Address: lilley2@juno.com

Brenda Harris · from Berea, Kentucky

Jun 7, 1999 · 12:52

June 14, 1998 we lost our first and only son. My water broke very early in pregenancy, before 16 weeks. I have had a difficult time with this. I have not been able to find very much infromation about premature rupture of the membranes. If anyone has been through this, please email me. I would like to hear your experience.

Email Address: brenda_harris@berea.edu

Ellen Gallonio · from Rhode Island

Jun 7, 1999 · 22:02

I loss my son Andrew last may due to a heart defect. It's so nice to know I have these websites to fall back on. I remember shortly after andrew died I found many sites and much comfort from them. one year has passed and I knew I could return.

Email Address: jeffreygallonio@sprintmail.com

Laurie Ottinger · from Allen, TX

Jun 8, 1999 · 20:31

Happy birthday Cailey! Dear Cailey, Happy 3rd birthday. June 7, 1996 at 8:19 am you were born not only into this world but also into the kingdom of heaven. I can't believe it has been 3 years since I last held you. In some ways it seems ike a lifetime ago and then sometimes it feels like literally yesterday. I am sorry that we couldn't celebrate like we should (with you here...) And I am sorry that I could not visit you yesterday. I am trying to keep your baby sister safe in my tummy, so I must stay in bed for a while. Your other baby sister Hannah is growing so much and I always wonder what the 2 of you would be doing together. We love you Cailey baby! Time stands still until we meet again. Love, Mommy, Daddy & Hannah

Email Address: w001985@airmail.net

Kathy Miltenberger · from Bridgeport, WV

Jun 9, 1999 · 20:50

We lost our second daughter to anecephaly on June 16, 1995..I had no idea there was anything wrong with her until I had the planned c-section..I can still hear the doctors words..Her birthday is soon and I cant believe it has been 4 years...I miss her everyday..I am now blessed with beautiful twin girls that turned 2 in May..I thank God everyday for having the chance to be a mommy to my wonderful girls...I am very glad I found this website..Thank you very much..

Email Address: klm4269@aol.com

Libby · from Texas

Jun 10, 1999 · 17:03

I've been looking for a support group that truly sees itself as a ministry since we lost our stillborn son Joseph two weeks ago. I miss him terribly, but I've been able so far to keep my faith in God and trust in Him to get us through this time. MEND looks like it may be the answer to my searching. Thank you for reaching out to others.

Email Address: libbys@camalott.com

Audrey · from Spring Hill, Florida

Jun 10, 1999 · 20:57

I lost my daughter, Courtney Ann Jones, on October 28, 1999. She lived for a short 14 hours. I delivered at 23 weeks. It's been a total of almost 7 months and I don't know that I have yet to grieve. I am only 21 years old and this is extremely difficult for me to understand. I blame myself for her premature delivery, although I know I shouldn't. Losing a child is something that no one fully understands until they go through it first hand. I do not wish this kind of pain on anyone. It is something that attacks my soul. I have good days and then I have completely horrible days. Something, or nothing, can trigger the tears and the pain I feel deep in my heart. I don't know how to deal with this. I would love for other mothers to talk to about this. Please feel free to contact me. I will respond to everyone I hear from. I need a friend. I need another mother's understanding of this horrible pain. May God bless all the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, that have lost a child.

Email Address: ahowe@hotmail.com

Debbie · from New Jersey

Jun 11, 1999 · 17:14

We lost our angel Ryan Brennan on May 18th 1999 at 36 1/2 weeks due to a cord torsion. It is so helpful to find these websites and know that there are others who have gone through similar experiences. Every day is difficult but we just take one day at a time and find comfort in knowing our angel is in peace.

Email Address: knappdeb@aol.com

SB · from Texas

Jun 12, 1999 · 23:57

Happy Birthday Zach, my special "tiny one". I love you and miss you so very much. I will never ever forget you. I look forward to the day that we can be together again forever.

Email Address: .

Amy Kaufman · from Dodge City, KS

Jun 15, 1999 · 12:11

We lost our beautiful son, Hayden, at 37 weeks. I hadn't felt any movement for a few hours and I decided at 3 a.m.on the 17th of April, that something was wrong. We drove to the hospital and found out the baby had died. I was so heartbroken all I could do was cry. I tried so hard to be strong, but I just couldn't control myself. We waited four long years for our child, and he was taken without any warning. I had to wait two long days before they induced labor. Hayden had the umbilical cord wrapped twice around his neck and hand. He was delivered on April, 20th. I am trying so hard to be a good christian so that I may be with him someday. It's just so hard. I am so angry. I prayed for my son's life every day and God still took him from me. I know he is in a better place but I just don't understand why? I need someone who has been in the same situation to talk to. I'm sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who have no idea how painful this is.

Email Address: yellowfish3@hotmail.com

Christy · from Jacksonville, Florida

Jun 15, 1999 · 15:30

About a week and a half ago I saw my baby swimming around on the ultrasound. The nurse said the baby looked wonderful and all was healty. Then a few says ago was my doctor apointment. The doctor said there was no heartbeat and that I had miscarried at 14 weeks. I had just gotten used to the idea that I was to be a mother when it was taken away from me. The doctor could offer me no explination except it was just on of those things. My husband and I are devistated by this loss. We are hurt, and confused. I keep asking why even though there will never be an answer. I can only pray that God has other plans in mind for us. I feel my baby came from heaven and returned to heaven until the timming is right. But it still hurts. If anyone needs to talk, feel free to write me. Thank you, I really felt that I was the only one this had ever happened to.

Email Address: dizfan@bellsouth.net

Misty Schnieders · from N.Richland Hills, Texas

Jun 16, 1999 · 19:08

I recently lost my baby when I was 8 months pregnant. He was stillborn, because he had Trisomy 18. We are trying to get pregnant again, and your site helped answer some questions I've been having. Thanks!!

Email Address: boyds21@aol.com

Carla Cullum · from Denton,TX

Jun 19, 1999 · 23:10

I am so glad for support from sites like this!! I lost my baby Whit on May 27,1994 at 26 hrs old of HLHS..He was beautiful and when looking at him you would have not known anything was wrong. Back when my husband and I lost him we had no support group like this so Im still in a way going threw the greif process..It does get easier but this May was his 5 year Annv. It was very hard..It's great to find a group of parients with a common bound soemone I can talk to so if anyone would like to e mail with you experience with a HLHS baby I would love to hear from you...0:-)

Email Address: mcullum1@gte.net

Kimberly McJunkin · from Kansas

Jun 22, 1999 · 13:57

My dad told me about this site and I'm planning on reading as many as possible to see what others have gone through. I find it helps to know I am not alone in having multiple miscarriages.

Email Address: texcalkas@yahoo.com

Kim · from Monett, MO

Jun 22, 1999 · 21:29

We just lost our baby at 16 weeks due to placental separation from the uterine wall. We opted to have labor induced so we could see and hold the baby and I don't regret this at all. He was only 5 inches long, but perfect in every way. My husband and I desperately want to get pregnant again but our dr. says we should wait 3 months. Has anyone out there conceived soon after a miscarriage, and if so, how did the subsequent pregnancy turn out?

Email Address: kvos@yahoo.com

Kelley Nisonger · from Michigan

Jun 23, 1999 · 15:31

i lost my baby yesterday morning. they called it fetal demise. it broke my heart.

Email Address: sillyhead7@yahoo.com

Summer Cheney · from Carlsbad, NM

Jun 24, 1999 · 23:22

I was just reading through the guest book and thought I'd write to tell everyone that I havenot my self lost a child, but my dear friend Lori did on June 19,1999. I was at the haspital shortly after Shadd Thomas was born. He died still. My heart goes out to her. It was her first. I have been with her through the pregnancy, being a friend sharing advice. I had a beautiful little girl Aug.5 1998. I cannot imagine Lori's pain. I am going to tell her about this web site. I think it will be good for her. Please keep her in your prayers.

Email Address: jcheney@cavemen.net

Janice Pakula · from Jupiter, Florida

Jun 26, 1999 · 10:34

I'm so glad that I found this site. Its been almost a year since my son, Nicholas, was stillborn. I have a lot of support from my family and friends, but sometimes I feel like the pain is never going to go away. Thank you for showing me that there are people who really understand.

Email Address: mamroth@bellsouth.net

Teresa Bracken · from Indianapolis, IN

Jun 26, 1999 · 23:03

I had a full term stillborn on 10-7-97. Her name is Sophia Marie Bracken. I had a neonatal death on 08-29-98. Madeline was born on 8-27-98. Her full name is Madeline Hope Bracken.

Email Address: TBCBSBMB@aol.com

Angela · from Ohio

Jun 27, 1999 · 20:21

Just wanted to see what your page was like

Email Address: gilchrista@hotmail.com

Dianne Cornelli · from Texas

Jun 27, 1999 · 23:17

My husband & I lost our 2nd child in February 1999. It has been a rough ordeal to say the least. After months of fertility treatments we were so happy to have conceived only to find out at 16weeks our baby had died around the end of the 15th week. We are trying again but every month is another disappointment. As the due date of our little angel approaches I am finding myself having sleepless nights again and grieving as if I lost her yesterday. I know God has a purpose for everything and through Him is my strength.I just ask for the prayers of those who understand and please know you are in my prayers also.

Email Address: DinoC38

Robert & Kellie Smith · from Chattanooga, Tennessee

Jun 28, 1999 · 22:31

When I was 3 and a half months into my pregnancy, we found out our daughter, Makayla Alexandra Smith, no longer had a heartbeat. Just 3 weeks before we had heard her little heartbeat and thought we had nothing to worry about. We chose to have testing done to see exactly what was wrong and if our baby was a boy or girl. We found out we had a daughter and she had turner's syndrome. We never got to hold our precious daughter or see who she looked like. We find peace in knowing that one day we will be able to see her and hold her for an eternity.

Email Address: raksmith@bellsouth.net

Rochelle Ashby-Brasseur · from Hillsboro, OR

Jun 30, 1999 · 12:44

none

Email Address: princessrochelle@compuserve.com

Sarah Westwood · from Birmingham, UK

Jun 30, 1999 · 15:19

I lost my baby, Caitlin, on 8/4/99. I was 20 weeks pregnant and when I went for my scan they said she had died. It was a real shock as I had had a healthy baby girl in November 1997 and I had no problems in my second pregnancy. Reading these pages has made me cry again but also helped me to realise that I am not on my own. I will always miss my little girl and wonder what she would have been like had she grown up. I know my older daughter would have loved her baby sister and I don't know how I would have coped if I hadn't got Bryony to make me smile even when I don't feel like it. We may never know why she died but I know she's with her grandad and that he's taking good care of her for us.

Email Address: sarahlouise133@hotmail.com

DaLana Barsanti · from TX

Jul 1, 1999 · 19:38

The site looks great!

Email Address: l.friend@worldnet.att.net

Alicia Banuchi · from CA

Jul 2, 1999 · 18:14

BLESS THE LITTLE ONES!

Email Address: REEREE94@HOTMAIL.COM

Tamara Brown · from Eglin A.F.B., FL

Jul 4, 1999 · 01:36

I resently wrote a story of my son Anthony dying of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome in this guest book. My husband Daniel and I just celebrated what would have been his first birthday on the 5th of June. PLease e mail me at my new e mail address if you have a similar story. God Bless.

Email Address: Tamtam6796@aol.com

Marcy · from Kokomo, IN

Jul 5, 1999 · 21:45

It has been a year since I conceived my first child and I am bracing myself for the anniversary of the loss of my baby. I have grown by the grace of God incredibly through the last year. As I look back, it is truly amazing. Though I was only 10 weeks along when I miscarried, my husband and I chose to name our baby and have a small service in my parents backyard. I would encourage anyone considering this to do it. We had each person read some scripture that was comforting to us and played several songs. I printed up "programs" on beautiful paper with the words to the songs and scripture. Though my grief continues still a year later, it was much needed closure to the miscarriage itself. I would like to share some words that God gave me in the middle of the night shortly after my miscarriage. I have printed and laminated them and found many opportunites to share my experience with others. Isabella Kathleen's presence in our life lasted only a moment. It was however an intense moment. We have experienced the pure joy and immeasurable hope that only a new life can bring. Our lives have been forever changed by a face we have yet to see and a person we have yet to meet, but a soul that we will know in an instant. We thank God for the privilege of creating this child and anticipate praising Him ,with her, through all eternity. I Corinthians 12:13 "Now we see but a poor reflection; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." Thank you for letting me share my story. If anyone would like to talk further, please feel free to contact me.

Email Address: ikhmmh@aol.com

Tina Acker · from Lemoore CA

Jul 6, 1999 · 23:50

Son Caleb born 2/27/96 died 3/1/96 of complications of CDH.

Email Address: taxe@cnetech.com

Lori & Jerry Jamieson · from Carlsbad, NM

Jul 7, 1999 · 13:26

We lost our precious Shadd Thomas June 19, 1999 at 37 weeks. We had a doctors appointment the day before and heard his heartbeat and thought everything was fine. The next day I thought I was going into labor because I was already dialated to 3cm. We got to the hospital and they couldn't find the heartbeat. They said it was a cord accident- a blood vessel had burst. He was a perfect 7lbs. 8oz. - 19 1/2 in. We miss him so much, but we know God is in control. Even though we have to remind ourselves of that every minute of the day. We are still very proud of his life and show the pictures of his sweet little body to everyone. I love this website. It has helped me in many ways. I have even put some poems in Shadd's baby book. Thank You.

Email Address: hotstuff@cavemen.com

The Cot Life Society U.K · from Plymouth, UK

Jul 8, 1999 · 16:06

Please visit the Cot Life Society U.K web site http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Trail/5955/ We are building a new links page, maybe you would like to link with us, many thanks, kind regards, the SIDS parents of the cot life society u.k

Email Address: juleeoakley@juleeoakley.eurobell.co.uk

Paulina Patterson, RN, Ph.D.(c) · from San Francisco, California

Jul 10, 1999 · 10:54

I am a nurse researcher with a long standing interest in the health of pregnant and parenting women and their children. I currently conduct research among women who have experienced a miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss. I specialize in diverse populations.

Email Address: pvan@itsa.ucsf.edu

Crissy Hancock · from Arkansas

Jul 12, 1999 · 17:32

What a wonderful organization!

Email Address: Cris1209@Aol.com

Barbara Riley · from Florida

Jul 12, 1999 · 20:19

tomorrow, just one month and three days before we had expected to welcome Kyle into our lives, we shall stand together at 10.30am and bury his tiny casket, we had accepted as a God given right this grandson..son..brother..cousin and nephew. He was all but ours, we had imagined how he would enrich our lives, we had bought him gifts of welcome and chosen him a name and made space for him in our homes. How can we be consoled and healed, how great can our grief be

Email Address: rycoo@worldnet.att.net

Angela Green · from Austin TX

Jul 12, 1999 · 23:53

I just experienced the death of my third unborn child. Michael left us in September 1998, Julianna in February 1999, and now Adrianna on 7-9-99. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I feel so lost, and helpless. I know I will be ok, but it hurts so much. They all died before 6 weeks gestation.

Email Address: JustAngieG@worldnet.att.net

Dee Dee · from Grand Junction, Co

Jul 14, 1999 · 19:16

Our second son, Liam, was born still on June 10, 1999 only 2 days before his due date. He was perfect and the doctors say it was a cord accident, probably because there is no other explanation, but there was no evidence of anything wrong. I have just read all the entries in the 1999 guest book and cant believe how much heartbreak there is. I had no information on stillbirth prior to our loss, and reading the entries helps for a while to make me feel less alone in this pain, but then it becomes terrifying as we still would like to have another child. I would correspond with anyone about any issues: guilt, anger, next pregnancy, anything and would appreciate help from anyone further along in dealing with a similar situation. It hurts so much.

Email Address: olson_ewi@hotmail.com

Francia · from Flushing, NY

Jul 14, 1999 · 23:20

I have visited your site a few times, but this is the first time that I am contacting you. I've had a pretty difficult week so far. Yesterday it was 3 months since my son Nathaniel died, and today, July 14 should have been my due date. I try so hard to accept God's will, but sometimes the pain is overwhelming. I know that he is with God now, looking down at me and taking care of me. My husband, when he sees me crying, reminds me that he is with the only person who could love him more than we ever could. I will ever forget the ime that I had with him, so brief. But I thank God for giving me the opportunity to carry one of his little angels in my womb and for allowing me to understand what unconditional love really feels like. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I just needed to express my emotions with somene who has experienced the same thing. Most people do not uderstand. May God bless you and thank you.

Email Address: francyedwin@webtv.net

Mary Coleman · from Virginia

Jul 16, 1999 · 14:12

I have lost three children to miscarriage and one to a chromosomal disorder at birth all in the past eighteen months. I already have a very large family and feel very blessed. Would love to connect with another mother of many who has experienced a loss after many successful pregnancies.

Email Address: mary_coleman@woodberry.org

Barbie · from Ft. Worth, TX

Jul 16, 1999 · 17:10

I'm not sure what I want to say in this entry, so please bear with me. Tuesday, July 20th would have been Jesica's 9th birthday. July 22nd will be the anniversary of her death. I praise God for the 37 hours He blessed me with my daughter. I still have my moments of grief even after 9 years, but they are fewer. I think I grieve more now over the fact that my 5 year old wants to know why her big sister isn't here on earth with us. It's hard explaining that to her. It's also this same 5 year old that makes me laugh when she tell me that the reason she wants Jesica here with us is so that she wouldn't have to play with her little brother all the time. She could play with a big sister. Thank you God for all our little miracles! I guess I'm rambling, but just wanted to say that I love and miss my daughter! I praise God for she is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalms 139:13-18) God bless all of you who have gone through such terrible losses. Thank you for a website that helps with support in the grieving process.

Email Address: BarbieNDan@aol.com

Mary Coleman · from VA

Jul 17, 1999 · 11:05

My daughter, Victoria Hope, was born Dec. 26, 1998 with Trisomy 18. We didn't know before er birth that she was in trouble. She lived only one hour and a half. It has been hard not having many people to talk to who understand the long road to recovery.

Email Address: mary_coleman@woodberry.org

Mollie Edwards · from Hilliard, Ohio

Jul 17, 1999 · 20:52

In June of 1994 my husband & I began trying to have a baby, it is now 5 years later and our arms are still empty. After many infertility doctors and procedures we finally conceived in July of 1996. On Sept. 12, '96 we lost our first child, Deeny Hope. She simply died inside me 3 months into the pregnancy, we have no explanation. After more infertility treatment we conceived again in Feb. of '97. Our son, Samuel was born on July 26,1997. He was 16 weeks premature, he died 45 minutes later, in my arms. The end of this month will be 2 years since his birth and death. It has completely changed my life and shaped who I am now. Two years later, no one else ever mentions him, but I still think about him and miss him every single day.

Email Address: TEdwards@SEAOhio.com

Marie Crowe · from Dallas, TX

Jul 18, 1999 · 22:53

I have been attending MEND meetings and events for several months, but am just now checking out the web site. We are approaching the first anniversay of the birth and death of our son, Jackson David Crowe, who was born August 22, 1998 with a severe mitral valve heart defect and died September 8, 1998. He struggled every day of his short life and although we miss him so much we are so glad his great struggle is over. Now, it is we who must struggle as gallantly as he did as we try to heal the magnificent break in our hearts.

Email Address: mariecrowe@home.com

Rachel Otto · from Virginia

Jul 20, 1999 · 10:53

I lost my duaghter Shelby on November 12,1997 to SIDS. She was almost 10 months when she passed away. We have had a real hard time with the loss. Everyday is different, one day I am thinking I am dealing with and the next I am thinking the world is going to crash. I would like to find someone who has gone threw the same thing so I can talk out my pain. Shelby was the second child and my oldest saw everything that happened. Shelby was such a happy go lucky baby. We refered to her as heffalump from Winny the Poo. We have had another baby and that has helped with the acking arms. I have been so scared from day one to now. His name is Matthew he is 9 months now. We named Matthew because the meaning of his name was so true. God bless everyone and their families who have ever lost a baby. My oldest son Michael is what kept me going.

Email Address: rotto@sytel.com

Lynda Harkins · from Lewisville, TX

Jul 20, 1999 · 16:24

Hannah Amy Harkins was born February 18, 1999 at 3:56 pm and passed away 45 min. later. At 28 weeks we were told she had anencephaly. I choose to carry her to "term" which would have been April 6, 1999. She went home to be with the Lord way too soon. We were fortunate to have the 45 min of her life and I miss her so. She weighed 2 pounds and was 13 inches long and looked just like her sister Madison.I am blessed to have a beautiful 2 year old daughter Madison - she still askes, pointing to my tummy - Baby mommy! I would love to talk and I need some help to get through this. I thought I was doing fine but I am not.

Email Address: lynda_harkins@horc.com

Michelle Estep · from Moundsville, WV

Jul 20, 1999 · 20:53

I just lost my child July 7th,1999, at 14 1/2 gestuation. It is the most painful thing I think anyone can ever experience, It is something i think about day in and day out. I will never forget my child and I will always love it, its just hard to go on day after day knowing that I will never get to see my baby smile or hear its laugh, but in my heart i can see and hear both. I do know what it feels like and I do greve for all of you, I know everyone is different, but we are all human and we do feel pain , my heart goes out to all of you, just remember this little saying someone told me. See, you are not forgotten, I have you carved in the palm of my hand. remember just take day by day or hour by hour thats what i do, and can do. Just remember baby mommy loves you.

Email Address: Gandalf@first.net

Lucia Garcia · from San Diego, CA

Jul 21, 1999 · 03:51

We lost our son Daniel David Garcia on April 25, 1995. He was our first born. At 29 weeks I found out after going into premature labor, that he had Trisomy 13, a condition "incompatible with life". What devastating news. We decided to allow him to be born when the Lord would bring him and I carried him for 2 and 1/2 more months to term(38 weeks). I had been told he may die in my womb and be stillborn. Each day I would wait for his first little nudges and stirrings because I just wanted him to be born alive so I could meet him. God honored that prayer and graced us with our precious baby Daniel. He lived for four hours. Since we knew ahead by God's grace of his condition, we were able to decide what we wanted to do at his birth and who we wanted there. We had our pastor and his wife who are our very close friends and other close friends as well. They were all so wonderful and honored to be a part of such an awesome day in our lives. It was so bittersweet. I can say that God's grace was sufficient that day and I truly know what Paul says when he says that when we are weak He is strong. I am truly closer to Jesus through the fellowship of His suffering thanks to my precious baby Daniel - my four year old. I have gone on to have two other children; Gianna (nearly 3) and Aaron(nearly 1) but my heart still looks for my four year old. I know he waits in heaven and he knows me. Please write if anyone wants to talk or needs support. My heart goes out to you in your grief. It's O.K. to grieve. Our Lord was a man of many sorrows and He knows.

Email Address: lulu@tns.net

Julee Oakley · from UK

Jul 21, 1999 · 14:36

This information is being sent by the Cot Life Society UK, we ask that you share this information with the public and as many parents as possible, we can send you brochure's (free of charge) to distribute to the public, we are a non funded, non profit making organisation, our only aim is to let the public know that something can now be done to prevent cot death, something simple to follow, inexpensive and which has been proven to work in New Zealand. Thanks to Jim Sprott's ongoing- Cot Life 2000 Cot Mattress Wrapping campaign tens of thousands of babies have been saved from cot death in New Zealand, if we follow his recommendations, the same could be achieved in this country, we sincerely hope you pass this vital, life saving information on to the public. Thank you. Please visit the Cot Life Society U.K web site http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Trail/5955/ Dedicated to the elimination of Cot Death. Maybe you would like to link with us, please sign the guest book. Contact: The Cot Life Society U.K Julee Oakley Plymouth 01752 214089 31 Ashridge Gardens Honicknowle Plymouth Devon PL5 3PZ. The Cot Life Society U.K Circle of Friends. Joy Jones Newton Powys 01686 623201 399 Heol Pengwern Vaynor Newton Powys SR16 1RG Dr Jim Sprott's Cot Life 2000 Campaign Web Site New Zealand: http://www.cotlife2000.com Dr D Davis' Crib Life 2000 web site USA: http://www.criblife2000.com Any help and support most appreciated. SAY NO TO ARSENIC, PHOSPHORUS AND ANTIMONY IN COT MATTRESSES. SAY NO TO THESE DEADLY POISONS BEING ANYWHERE NEAR OUR CHILDREN. SAY NO TO COT DEATH!

Email Address: juleeoakley@juleeoakley.eurobell.co.uk

Toni9 Share · from Barrie, Ontario

Jul 22, 1999 · 00:30

This is the first time I have ever done anything like this and am not sure.Our precious baby Sammie was born on Feb. 4 1997 at 12:06 p.m.. This too was her day and time of death. She was only 18 weeks gestation and she died of a broken heart. Sammie had a three chamber heart as well as bilateral leftsidedness.The decision was left up to us. There were no choices. I think about my little Sammie all the time and even more so lately. Thank you for letting me share. I know this type of situation 'was' and 'is' very difficult , especially when a decision is left up to you. Please write if you have a similar situation.

Email Address: toni_share@hotmail.com

Toni Share · from Barrie, Ontario

Jul 22, 1999 · 00:45

just to make sure email address is showing correct, there is an underscore between toni_share Thanks

Email Address: toni_share@hotmail.com

Hilary · from Jackson's Point, ON, Canada

Jul 22, 1999 · 21:40

I lost a daughter, Lily, on September 14, 1998 five days after she was born. Lily left behind a beautiful twin sister, Kate. I ache for my little doll. My girls were born at 26 weeks gestation weighing 1lb 13oz each. Lily suffered a severe brain hemmorage at birth. We had forty-five precious minutes with her after they took her off the ventilator before she died. We didn't have much time to mourn our loss because we felt we had to be strong for Kate who has struggled through two brain surgeries and finally came home in January 99. We feel that Lily was watching out for her sister and helped her survive against all odds.I love you Lily. You are always in my heart. Mom.

Email Address: smcdonald@interhop.net

Kelly B. · from Massachusetts

Jul 24, 1999 · 13:19

What a touching site. I am devoted to helping others deal with the grief associated with the loss of a child. Please visit: Http://www.childloss.com This is also a personal site, written by myself and others, on the grief, pain, and sorrow associated to infant loss/stillbirth/miscarriage. I also hand design memorials that are put up on the website, and can be linked to a parents home page for their child. Thank you for helping others. Kelly Berrigan Owner/President BerriGood Feelings Inc Webmistress/"empty Arms empty heart"

Email Address: wish4coner@aol.com

Melissa · from Monroe, GA

Jul 27, 1999 · 02:49

I LOST MY SON MATTHEW WHEN HE WAS 11 DAYS OLD, HE WAS BORN WITH TRUNCUS ATERIOUS 1 WHICH IS A HEART DEFECT. MATTIE WENT THROUGH OPEN HEART SURGERY IN WHICH HE CAME OUT OF DOING GREAT, BUT IN TIME HIS KDNEYS FAILED HIM AND HE JUST COULD NOT FIGHT ANYMORE. MY HUSBAND AND I THEN MADE THE HARDEST CHOICE WE EVER HAD TO MAKE WE TURNED OFF LIFE SUPPORT WITHIN SECONDS MY SON WAS GONE. I KNOW OUR CHOICE WAS RIGHT BUT IT HAS TAKEN ME A LONG TIME TO GET TO THAT CONCLUSION. IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO TALK PLEASE EMAIL ME.

Email Address: vernitta@webtv.net

Toni Share · from Barrie, Ontario

Jul 27, 1999 · 15:40

Dear Jo Ellen Mathews, I received your email but for some reason I am unable to return email to you successfully. Perhaps I am missing something ? Thanks

Email Address: toni_share@hotmail.com

Lisa and Andy Prasky · from Brooklyn Park, MN

Jul 27, 1999 · 16:38

I stumbled upon this web site as I was searching for information on stillborn births. We lost our daughter Emily Elizabeth on June 10, 1999. The exciting memories of driving to the hospital are clouded with the memories of the nurse searching for a heartbeat. As I was in the labor room surrounded by my family, all of us grieving and waiting for the delivery, when my uterus ruptured and suddenly I was fighting for my life as well. It has only been seven weeks and I can still remember how strong Emily was when she would kick me in the ribs. Never again will I complain about the pains of preganacy as now that is all I am left with. Empty arms. I will never forget that beautiful face. I am thankful to have had her with me every day for nine months. I remember someone saying to me that she is in a better place, but I believe I could have done a wonderful job here on earth. The most frustrating thing for me now is that there are now answers. It is harder now to think that someone did something wrong or didn't do enough. I guess we all look for someone or something to blame. As I was reading all your stories I started writing down e-mail addresses. The list of people I may want to contact got so long I decided to add my name to the list. I will be contacting some of you soon. I agree, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. Take care.

Email Address: a.prasky@worldnet.att.net

Lisa and Andy Prasky · from Brooklyn Park, MN

Jul 27, 1999 · 16:40

I stumbled upon this web site as I was searching for information on stillborn births. We lost our daughter Emily Elizabeth on June 10, 1999. The exciting memories of driving to the hospital are clouded with the memories of the nurse searching for a heartbeat. As I was in the labor room surrounded by my family, all of us grieving and waiting for the delivery, when my uterus ruptured and suddenly I was fighting for my life as well. It has only been seven weeks and I can still remember how strong Emily was when she would kick me in the ribs. Never again will I complain about the pains of preganacy as now that is all I am left with. Empty arms. I will never forget that beautiful face. I am thankful to have had her with me every day for nine months. I remember someone saying to me that she is in a better place, but I believe I could have done a wonderful job here on earth. The most frustrating thing for me now is that there are now answers. It is harder now to think that someone did something wrong or didn't do enough. I guess we all look for someone or something to blame. As I was reading all your stories I started writing down e-mail addresses. The list of people I may want to contact got so long I decided to add my name to the list. I will be contacting some of you soon. I agree, it is comforting to know that we are not alone. Take care.

Email Address: a.prasky@worldnet.att.net

Susannah Leisher · from Cambridge MA/Vietnam

Jul 28, 1999 · 11:10

We lost our firstborn child, a son, Wilder Daniel, on July 13 1999. He was completely wanted and completely planned. The pregnancy was easy and without any complication whatsoever. Wilder's growth was completely on target at every appointment. 13 days before his due date, at our last regular appointment, the midwife said everything looked great. 11 days before his due date I noticed a lack of movement and we went in to the hospital just to make sure all was okay. They couldn't find a heartbeat. Wilder was stillborn two days later with his father, grandparents and aunt all present and helping. We got to hold him for 6 hours. No cause was found. We scattered his ashes in a very beautiful ceremony in the country on a hilltop where my husband asked me to marry him. Many of our friends were with us. We live in Vietnam and are returning at the end of August and I am afraid to leave the support of friends and family here. We want to try again as soon as possible.

Email Address: cleisher@aol.com

Cherish Hiatt-Lewis · from McCook, Nebraska

Jul 28, 1999 · 11:50

I have had the priviledge of contacting several people on various links and have made a couple of really special friends. Today, I am struggling like never before and this is the first time I have written about my personal loss on a link. I am so angry, as is expected, I guess. My family seemed so supportive at first but now they have vanished. My baby died May 29, 1999, after I "delivered" him in the bathroom of my hospital room. The staff refused to believe I was in labor. The doctor refused to check me. I timed my contractions beginning at 2:01PM. They hooked up a monitor but is showed nothing. At 5:30PM they basically told me I was being a nuisance, disconnected the monitor and left me. All alone. I went to the bathroom at 6:45PM and out came my precious baby. We are suing the hospital and the doctor, but the pain I am feeling is so intense. I don't understand what I did to make them hate me so much. I fear running into someone from the hospital or that doctor as I live in a small town. I know most people are really busy and don't have time to e-mail... If you are an exception please write to me. I am so lonely and am trying so hard to cope. Remembering our children, Cherish

Email Address: chiattlewis@hotmail.com

Deborah Franklin · from DeSoto, TX

Jul 28, 1999 · 16:14

On July 22nd, my daughter, Danielle Alyse Franklin was stillborn. Deborah Ernst from Methodist Medical Center told us about your organization and the web site. I have enjoyed reading the stories. My husband and I plan to attend your meeting next month.

Email Address: DDFrank@ivillage.com

Tonya Council · from Austin, TX

Jul 29, 1999 · 10:15

Taylor was stillborn June 24, 1999

Email Address: hkll@yahoo.com

Tricia Oliver · from Alabama

Jul 30, 1999 · 18:48

First, I want to say than you for this wonderful website. After three years of infertitlity, in May of 98 I was finally pregnant. But our world came crashing down when at 10 weeks we went to hear the heartbeat for the first time and discovered our baby had died two weeks before. We concieved about 6weeks later. I was fearful but tried to be optimistic. At 16 weeks, I went into early labor. I had a cerclage put in but to no avail. The contractions could not be stopped with medication. I delivered a beautiful baby boy on Thanksgiving morning 1998. He had my long fingers and my husbands ears.I am so glad I got to hold him. He never lived outside my womb but he joined his brother or sister that day with our heavenly Father and I live for the day when I can hold them both in my arms. My husband and I have no other children but are trying again. Please, pray for us and I will pray for all of you that endure infertility or losses.Thank you.... remember PS121:1-2

Email Address: triciaoliver@yahoo.com

Teresa Edwards · from Holden, MO

Aug 1, 1999 · 01:20

On April 9, 1996 I gave birth to a 3 pound 10 ounce baby boy, David Chance. At my fifth month of pregnancy I went in for my ultrasound and they said I had no amniotic fluid. I was told that he was suffering so my husband and I decided to go ahead and be induced. I was in the hospital for 3 days and I would never dilate. My doctor sent me to a clinic. At the time I did not realize it was an abortion clinic. They were so horrible to me. They told me that they would have to take him out in pieces and that I would not be able to bury him. We called a specialist in Kansas City and he seen me that next day. He said that as long as the baby is inside of me he is not suffering. He said that there was no reason why I couldn't carry him until he was ready to be born. I am so glad that I was able to do that because that was time that I knew he was alive and I could spend that time with him. They told us that once he came into our lives he would not be able to survive. I still had hope that they were wrong. I think that that is the only thing that kept me going. My husband and I had tried for many years to have a baby. I had a miscarriage before Chance. Chance was born on his due date. It was a very easy birth. He lived for 1 hour and 48 minutes. He died in his daddy's arms. We had an autopsy done and found out that he had Jeunes Syndrome. Our chances of having another child with that are 1 in 4. Three months later I became pregnant with a son, Jared Christopher. I had to wait until I was 5 months pregnant to know wether or not he had Jeunes Syndrome. He looked very healthy. He was born April 22, 1997, 8 pounds 5 ounces. He is truly a miracle. In November 1998 I became pregnant with my 4th Child. Again I had to wait 5 months before I knew if this baby had Jeunes Syndrome. She did not. She was a healthy little girl. On Monday June 26, 1999 I noticed she was not moving. She usually moved constantly. We went to the hospital and they could not find a heartbeat. They did an ultrasound and found no heartbeat. I had my beautiful little girl at 4:05 pm on Tuesday July 27, 1999. She was so perfect. She was so active inside me that she had tied a knot in her umbelical cord. It was also wrapped around her neck. I was 38 weeks and as she was "dropping" to get ready for birth the cord tightend and she died. I just can't believe that I would have two children die from two different circumstances. I had her room done, her bassinet ready, her dress picked out for her first pictures and instead I had to bury her in that dress. Her name is Lacee Dene'. I am hurting so bad. I know she is in heaven with the Lord. That gives me great comfort. I have wrote a poem for Chance when he was born and I also wrote one for Lacee. I would love to hear from other families who have lost their little ones and if anyone would like to read my poems I would love to send them. If I could help anyone out there it would help me heal also.

Email Address: teresadene@aol.com

Natalie Harden · from Mike Evans Ministries

Aug 2, 1999 · 12:35

Rebekah, This is a beautiful Web page. It is really neat to see how vastly God is blessing your ministry. I will be sure and send anyone that I know to this page. Love Natalie

Email Address:  Not available

Amy Hayes · from Coffeeville, Al

Aug 2, 1999 · 22:02

My husband and I lost our precious angel Trever June 11, 1999 due to a twisted cord accident. My life seems so incomplete without him. I have two boys that keep me going from day to day, but my heart feels empty without baby Trever.I will hold you in my arms again one day, until then you will always be in my heart. I love and miss you my angel.

Email Address: johnnyhayes@mindspring.com

Heidi Jackson · from Laurel, MS

Aug 3, 1999 · 00:17

My husband and I lost our first baby on June 4, 1999. I was 18.5 weeks along. We went in for a routine sonogram and were horrified to discover that our baby had no heartbeat. Labor was induced, and my doctor (who is a wonderful Christian man and very understanding) was kind enough to keep me heavily drugged all day. I delivered my precious baby 15 hours later. The sex of the baby was indeterminite, but the pathologist found out that it was a boy. We named him William Bryce. Will had gastroschisis and had died three weeks earlier. I never suspected a thing. I have dealt with guilt, anger, sadness, depression, and fear, as many of you know. We are trying for another baby, and praying for the best. It is all in God's hands now. We love our Will more than life itself, despite the fact that we never saw or touched him. He was real to us if not anyone else. Bless all of you and your sweet babies who are in heaven with my Will.

Email Address: heidilj@yahoo.com

Heidi Jackson · from Laurel, MS

Aug 3, 1999 · 00:21

My husband and I lost our first baby on June 4, 1999. I was 18.5 weeks along. We went in for a routine sonogram and were horrified to discover that our baby had no heartbeat. Labor was induced, and my doctor (who is a wonderful Christian man and very understanding) was kind enough to keep me heavily drugged all day. I delivered my precious baby 15 hours later. The sex of the baby was indeterminite, but the pathologist found out that it was a boy. We named him William Bryce. Will had gastroschisis and had died three weeks earlier. I never suspected a thing. I have dealt with guilt, anger, sadness, depression, and fear, as many of you know. We are trying for another baby, and praying for the best. It is all in God's hands now. We love our Will more than life itself, despite the fact that we never saw or touched him. He was real to us if not anyone else. Bless all of you and your sweet babies who are in heaven with my Will.

Email Address: heidilj@yahoo.com

Femmy Taekema · from Adelaide, South Australia

Aug 4, 1999 · 06:45

After 7 years of marriage,my husband and I lost a twin in 1994. At a routine ultrasound (14 weeks gestation) it was discovered that one of the babies had died. Praise God, our other son is healthy despite being born 6 weeks premature. After adopting our second living son in 1998. We discovered to our surprise and delight that we were expecting again. It was an emotional pregnancy and a very dangerous one with lots of complications. But after surviving all these complications our daughter Thalita Jesse ( meaning: Little girl by God's grace) was born on May 7,1999 via C-section at 30 weeks gestation with Bilateral pleural effusions. She was looking better than expected and doing well for her condition. Sadly 16 hours later on May 8,1999 She died because one of her lungs ruptured as a result of being on the ventilator. This is the first time I have written about her. We miss her so much! We miss both our babies! Thanks for taking the time to read this. Thanks for the helpful newsletters. I wish there was a Christian support group like MEND in South Australia.

Email Address: john@taekema.com

Wendy Hoy · from Great Falls, SC

Aug 4, 1999 · 15:30

Hello, I lost a little girl on Jan 16, 1998. She was a beatiful little girl. Her name is Amber Lynn Hoy. She was stillborn. She died the night before she was born. It was a shock to our family and friends. We miss her terribly and it is a comfort to meet others who have been through the same thing. We would love to here more about your site. Thank you.

Email Address: angellove@chestertel.com

Dolores Murphy · from Plainfield, IL

Aug 6, 1999 · 16:42

My husband and I lost our second child on july 28,1999. Two days after our second wedding anniversary. We were 18 weeks pregnant. Through out the entire pregnancy we had a great deal of complication, but we had alot of hope that everything would turn out right. My little angel was named Edward Ewan. It is very difficult for me to understand why my son died and I am still trying to deal with the fact that I will never be able to hold him again in my arms. I am very grateful that I had the chance to hold him, kiss him, and sing his brothers favorite song to him. I will forever miss my little angel, Edward.

Email Address: mdmurphy@gateway.net

Cassandra Hardwick · from Birmingham, AL

Aug 7, 1999 · 18:52

As a recently bereaved parent (Randall and Jarod 10/2/98) I enjoyed your site. Very helpful and informative. Peace, Love, & Joy, Cassandra

Email Address: wrh98@bellsouth.net

Patti Safirowski · from Warren, Ohio

Aug 9, 1999 · 15:22

Mark Anthony Safirowski born july 26th, 1999 @6:56 died at 8:15 Parents Mark and Patti Safirowski

Email Address: mjpamajs@aol.com

Elizabeth Nauta · from Woodburn, OR

Aug 10, 1999 · 00:51

Thank you for providing this service. Losing a child is the most difficult thing I've ever had to handle, but being able to read what others have had to endure somehow makes it a little easier. My daughter, Madalyn, was only 40 days old when her heart stopped, and knowing the Lord is the only thing that keeps me going. This organization gives me much comfort. Thank you again.

Email Address: elnauta@yahoo.com

Emily · from Virginia

Aug 11, 1999 · 18:27

I lost my son last Aug. to a congenital heart defect complication resulting from 2nd surgery.

Email Address: emily930@yahoo.com

Jessica · from Baton Rouge ,LA

Aug 12, 1999 · 12:28

WHILE I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TO SAY,I LOST MY ONLY SISTER AND IT WAS JUST US TWO, NOW IT'S JUST ME SHE DIE WHEN I WAS 14, SHE WAS 16, NOW THAT I'M 17 I LOST MY ONLY CHILD, AND NOW I CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE KIDS. SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYONE IS GOING THOUGH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

Email Address: PUREDELUXE@AOL.COM

Tammy Tate · from N. Richland Hills, TX

Aug 12, 1999 · 15:59

I NEVER KNEW SUCH GRIEF EXISTED. MY WATER BROKE AT 20 WEEKS. I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL AND GOT TO HEAR DEVIN'S HEART BEAT SEVERAL TIMES A DAY, SO I KNEW IT WAS SLOWER EACH TIME, UNTIL IT WAS NO MORE. LABOR WAS INDUCED AND I DELIVERED MY PERFECT LITTLE BOY. THEY CAN'T TELL ME WHY OR EVEN IF IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. I WISH I WOULD HAVE HELD HIM LONGER--LOOKED AT HIM CLOSER. WE ARE PRAYING FOR ANOTHER BUT I WANT TO HAVE HIM HERE TOO. I NAMED HIM DEVIN ALEXANDER TATE. BORN MAY 22,1999. I DON'T THINK MOST PEOPLE I KNOW CONSIDER ME A "REAL" MOM, BUT I AM. I JUST DON'T HAVE MY BABY TO HOLD IN MY ARMS. I CAN ONLY HOLD HIM IN MY HEART---FOR NOW.

Email Address: TAMMYRTATE@HOTMAIL.COM

Claudia · from West Virginia

Aug 13, 1999 · 22:12

I found your website in my never-ending search for comfort. It is an anniversary time for me. Our fourth child, Erin Marie, was delivered stillborn (full-term) on July 24, 1987 and she was buried on her due date, August 6th. Many years have passed and so many tears have been shed. Our lives have gone on, but always, she has been a part of each day. As I continue down this journey of grief and discovery, I am reminded that she walks with God and Jesus and I am hearing her whisper - I love you Mommy. She is helping me through all this sadness and ache that I will always carry in my heart. Thank you for this place and opportunity to share. And please know, there is hope. Claudia

Email Address: mntnmm4@hotmail.com

Tracey · from Australia

Aug 14, 1999 · 07:35

I will never forget the overwhelming feeling of love when Adam was placed in my arms- I only got to hold him for about 30 seconds before he was taken to the nursery, "just for a little oxygen". If only we had known what the next 6 days would bring..... Our beautiful son Adam, was born with hypoplastic left heart. I have been told that it is extremely rare- about 1 in 15000 babies. When Adam was born he had retained lung fluid and he was incubated and taken to a major childrens hospital by helicopter. I was terrified but all the specialists assured us that he would be fine- just a bit of a bumpy start to life but all would be well. We were told this for 5 days until he took a downward turn and that was when they did a heart scan and found he had hypoplastic left heart. I'll never forget the words the doctor said to me- "It's as bad as it gets!" For the first 5 days we couldn't touch him or talk to him as the retained lung fluid had caused pulminary hypotension which made him very stressed at the slightest noise or movement. Ironically, the day we took him off the ventilator was the day his lungs began to work. We got to cuddle him and I told him how much I loved him and would miss him, we took many photos and had him christened. He died in our arms about 30seconds after the oxygen had been removed. They had told us he could live anywhere from 3 hours to 3 weeks- we were not prepared for 30seconds. He died on December 9, 1998 so this is still very raw- mind you, I didn't think I would ever be able to go on without him- you find out you have more strength than you know! I think about Adam every second of the day but know that he wouldn't want his parents to fall apart completely- that isn't to say we are not grieving for him- he gave me the strength to get through this, and I will do so for him.....but I will always send kisses to heaven every night just for him....... I have found the thoughts expressed in the following prose comforting..... Today I sent a kiss to heaven, I'm encouraging all of you to try. For I have shared this with you, For you, too had a child die. The kiss came from deep inside, And I know that it truly was received, Right after I had sent my kiss A calming breeze surrounded me. Not only that, a windchime rang, From where I do not know. But I felt my baby smile at me, And say he loves me so. Take a kiss within your hands And look up to the sky, Release that kiss with loving care, now please try not to cry. Once your kiss is off to him, To heavens gates above, just look for any single sign, of your childs precious love.

Email Address: kenlowe@onthenet.com.au

Kathy Willis · from Bay City, OR

Aug 14, 1999 · 18:45

We lost our little angel just a little over a month ago. Michiko Rose was born on June 30, 1999 at 24 5/7 weeks gestation. Though she was tiny (1lb 10oz) she was a fighter. She was with us for 10 days, doing very well, until she contracted pneumonia, and within 24hrs she was gone. She went to be with Jesus on July 10, 1999.

Email Address: djwillis@pacifier.com

Eddie and Veronica Leday · from Wylie, Texas

Aug 15, 1999 · 22:37

It was nice to receive the card in the mail. Our son Joshua was born on July 11,1999. He had a genetic disorder known as Trisomy 13. The doctors had only given him 1 or 2 days, but the Lord allowed him to be with us for 10 glorious days. This was our fourth pregnancy. We have an 8 year old daughter and the last 2 pregnancies before this ended in miscarriages in the first trimesters. WE don't know how we would have made it without the help of our friends and our church The Potters Wheel Ministry. Our 8 year old daughter wrote this down and I would like to share it with you. I'm 8 years old and I have lost my baby brother on July 21,1999. He only lived 10 days, but I got to hold him 3 times. We also dedicated him to Jesus. One day he will open his arms and welcome me. I'm sorry that you have lost your baby, but I know your baby will see my baby brother Joshus. Just remember your baby is up in heaven with Jesus Christ. Try to day your tears, because on day you will be up in heaven with your loved one.

Email Address: eddie350@juno.com

Emmily · from Rex, GA

Aug 16, 1999 · 15:57

HELLO I AM A MOTHER OF TWO BUT ON JULY 2 1998 I WANT TO WORK ALITTLE WHILE LATER A HAD TO GO POTTY I NOTICED I WAS SPOTTING I CALLED THE DOC BUT HE SAID JUST TO STAY AT WORK AND EVERYTHING WAS OK SO I STAYED JUSY ABOUT ALL DAY BUT THEN I NOTICED I STARTEC REALLY BLOODING HEAVY SO I CALLED AGAIN HE SAID THAT IT WAS NORMAL I MIGHT OF JUST PICK UP SOMETHING TO HEAVY SO JUST STAY AND IT WOULD GO AWAY SO I GUESS ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I DECIED TO GO TO THE DOC AND GET CHECK OUT ANYWAYS AND TAT WHEN THEY TOLD ME THAT THE BABY HAD NO HEART BEAT SO JUST GO HOME AND JUST LET GOD DP WHAT HE WANTED TO DO TO BE BACK IN AT 7:00 THE NEXT MORNING SO I DID I GUESS AROUND 7:24 PM I PASSED THE BABY AT HOME I COULD NOT GET IT TO TAKE IT TO SEE WHY OR WHAT COULD OF HAPPEN THATS MY BIGGEST WORRY WHY COULD IT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN OR SOMETHING WHEN I TOLD MY MOTHER IN LAW SHE DIDNT MAKE IT FEEL ANY BETTER SHE KEPT ON SOME IT WAS NOT A BABY SO WHY SO I CARE BUT TO ME IT WAS SO ABOUT 2 MONTHS LATER A GOT PREGANT AGAIN AND SHE TRIED TO MAKE ME LOSE THAT BABY (KICK ME IN THE STOMACH AND JUST ALOT OF STRESS)(BUT THANK THE LORD ABOVE NOTHIMG HAPPEN)SO WHEN I WENT TO GET CHECK OUT THE DOC SAID I COULD LOSE THE BABY THEY FOUND BLOOD AROUND THE SAC AND THAT WAS ONE SIGN I PROBALLY WOULDN'T CARRY HER SO I WANT BACK TO HER HOUSE THAT WERE I WA LIVING AND JUST TOOK IT EASY AND THEN AT 16 WEEKS I STARTED TO DAILITE I WAS AT 1 THEN WITHIN A MONTH I WAS AT 3 TELL THE DAY I HAD HER WITCH WAS ON MAY THE 25,1995 AT 1:45 PM SHE WAS BORN AT 32 WEEKS WEIGHING IN AT 4 14 OZS SHE IS DOING GREAT NOW THE LADY(GRANDMOTHER) WHO DID IT STILL WANT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER BUT WILL WITH MY OTHER CHILD SO ALL THE MOTHERS THAT ARE SCARED TO TRY AGAIN DON'T BE IT WILL WORK OUT SOME HOW DON'T GAVE UP THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE JUST BELEIVE IN THE LORD HE SHALL HELP SO IF THERE ARE ANY MOTHERS THAT JUST NEED TO TALK I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE SO U CAN E-MAIL ME IF U WISH THANKS FOR LISTEN

Email Address: booboo9599@aol.com

Karin Ronning-Meagher · from Sydney, Australia

Aug 17, 1999 · 06:01

I somehow found my way to your website today. We have lost 3 babies; two to miscarriage - Kae, 10and a half weeks gestation, and Aurora, at 11 and a half weeks. Now, incredible beyond belief, we have just lost our little son, Soren Dennehy Meagher after I went into pre-mature labour at 28 weeks. Nobody thought it would end so poorly, with the baby in distress, and me having to have an emergency c-section. I had been in the hospital for 2 weeks prior, enduring strict bed-rest on an incline (I was determined to go the whole way), and everyone was quite optimistic. Then it all just went terribly wrong. Soren was born with many problems associated with the actual birth and battled valiantly but in the end we had to let him go. Such a terrible decision but we know that it was the right one. All the doctors and nurses were in tears, so sad for everyone. We all had our hopes and dreams dashed that night. It's hard, I feel ruined and scarred. I look at my wound as a deep, dry, scabby canyon where on one side, our baby once lived and on the other, uncertainty and fear festers. It was discovered that my amnionic fluid was infected and a Strep B infection was present on my cervix but I showed no outward signs of any kind of infection whatsoever, which makes me think, "What's stopping it from happening again." We're grateful for the time we spent with him, and to the doctor's and nurses who allowed us to take the time we needed. Now I spend my days thinking about him at every moment. Tonight there was a big bunch of flowers outside our door and I thought, for a moment, that they were our baby wrapped up inside. Thanks for your time. We welcome any correspondence, especially about these infections. Soren was a dear little lad and we miss him. Born 25/July/99. Died 27/July/99.

Email Address: k.meagher@unsw.edu.au

Dawn Clayton · from Jesup, Iowa

Aug 17, 1999 · 10:47

I was 38 weeks when I lost my daughter. I was schueled for a c-section two days later. We had tried for 7 years to get pregnant. My pregnancy went along fine until I woke up one morning only to find no fetal movement. Caitlyn was born 6 hours later. We got to hold her and have her baptised. We will always miss her.

Email Address: spiegels@jtt.net

Mary Lynn · from Howell, N.J.

Aug 17, 1999 · 12:08

I am very grateful for finding this website. PaulThomas Matthew was born on May 27,1999 and died six days later on July 2nd. He ruptured my uterus and was born in full cardiac arrest and not breathing. I am eternally grateful for the six days God gave me to be with my son, but I miss him every day. He is and always will be "my little angel"

Email Address: Teeling

Michelle Moore · from Ashley,Ohio

Aug 17, 1999 · 17:37

I lost my sweet baby girl 2 days ago...she died nursing at my breast, only 11 days old... We will not know for 2 months if it was SIDS, or if I somehow suffocated my sweet baby girl... I never knew it was possible to hurt so badly and still not die... Please, if someone can help in any way...I need you...I need my Ariana.

Email Address: NatureGirl_43003@yahoo.com

Darlene Mensinger · from Penna

Aug 17, 1999 · 21:46

I am an RN in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I am interested in starting a bereavement program in our unit. Anyone who can offer suggestions I would really appreciate them. Thanks!

Email Address: dmensinger@hotmail.com

Bobbi Jones · from Arkansas

Aug 18, 1999 · 03:18

Your site is very helpful. thank you. I just lost a baby to S.I.D.S. an I am trying to mend if that is what you call it.i do a lot of reading, all the time.thank you so much for this site,it heips. Bobbiaustn.

Email Address: bobbiaustn@aol.com

Leslie Kaniewski · from South Bend, IN

Aug 18, 1999 · 10:21

I lost my daughter Kara Jane on April 24, 1997. She was stillborn due to placental abruption when I was 8 months. It has been 2 years and I still think about her and miss her every day. I thank you and every other site available that has given information about what I am still going through. I too want to help anyone I can who has gone through this. My marriage has suffered greatly since her death and I try not to lose hope that I may get the chance to have another baby one day. My heart is stilll heavy and my arms still ache. I still hold onto her blankets that she was wrapped in at the hospital. Thank you for letting me know that I can still grieve for her.

Email Address: leslie.kaniewsi@isi-pay.com

Loir &Mike Stophel · from Bristol, TN

Aug 18, 1999 · 15:02

Christopher Michael-Lee was born on July 1, 1999 1 week and 5 days early. I had gone to a reg Dr appt and they found no heartbeat, I was devasted. This is our first child in our 5yr marriage. The autopsy stated it was not definitively determind by the auotspy, they did state the cord was abnormally longand twisted and had a convolution of the cord,this might have blocked the oxygen and blood supply to him. Other than that he was perfect. We know he will always be our litte hero and angel. GOD DOES NO WRONG! He has a reason for everything. We mortals may ask "Why do you take our little babies when we need them here on earth", but the truth is He needs them in Heaven to make it more beautiful place to veiw. And this is why he takes but only a few. I love you Christopher Michael-Lee and yuo will always be with my daddy and me. At his funeral their were 60-80 people who came for our baby.I was amazed to see so many people their (and on a holiday weekend july 4th). My father told me that these people had somewhere else to be and something else to do today but they dropped it all to be there and show us all support... It's going to be hard when are supposed to be picking out his first birthday cake and instead we will be picking his headstone instead..I fill so empthy inside and I don't have anyone to talk to who knows the pain I'm in, there are people I can talk to who listens...Christopher, mommie and daddy loves you very much and we will be in Heaven with you someday, until than we will always have you in our hearts FOREVER! God bless everyone who knows the pain and the emptieness I am in.

Email Address: loristophel24@yahoo

Dawn Clayton · from Jesup, Iowa

Aug 20, 1999 · 14:23

I was 38 weeks when I had my baby. I woke up on sunday morning and did not feel any movement. After going to the hospital and having an ultrasound the doctor told us our baby was gone. 6 hours later I delivered a baby girl by c-section. Caitlyn Pearle Clayton, she was 5lbs 10ounces, she was perfect. My family and my husbands all got to hold her and we had her baptized. We held her funeral 4 days later. We had an autposy done and it showed NOTHING, which made it more difficult for us to handle. On June 21, 1999 I went to my normal monthly visit and had a high bloodpressure that the doctor was alarmed about so I was sent to the hospital and after an hour I was sent home. A week later on June 27, 1999 my baby was gone. I will always wonder if I would have had her on that Monday, she would be with me today. But I was schueled for a csection on June 29 I thought we would be ok until then. Nothing will bring her back or ever replace her, but after trying for 7 years to get pregnant with a baby we so much wanted just to have her taken from us. We have a son who is seven, and he looks up in the clouds and says there is my sister looking at us. We visit her at the cemetary often, we will always miss her..

Email Address: spiegels@jtt.net

Jennifer Aguayo · from Twenty Nine Palms, CA

Aug 23, 1999 · 04:36

My husband and I lost our Angel Baby Jonathan Miguel on June 17, 1999 after he spent 3 weeks in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. He was 3 months premature due to a degenerative placenta of unknown causes. We miss him very much. We would love to be contacted by other parents who have experienced this same loss. I am glad to have found this sight hoping to bring along the healing process that has very much eluded me.

Email Address: chorusline@webtv.net

Julie Berberich · from Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Aug 23, 1999 · 10:02

Three months ago I lost my baby girl to liver and kidney failure caused by an infection called NEC. I would love to talk to anyone has benn through this same trama.

Email Address: downtown_julieb@yahoo.com

Kelly · from Iowa

Aug 25, 1999 · 02:41

Colin, our sweet little boy was born and died on June 29,1999. He was so perfect-weighing 4 lbs 15 oz and was 18 1/2" long. I miss him so...

Email Address: rkwitcraft@aol.com

Kathy Krum · from Kingston, New York

Aug 26, 1999 · 01:00

Our first child, Ryan Daniel was born alive at 19 weeks gestation on February 8, 1999 @ 8:26am. He was 5oz, 7inches long and perfect! I was diagnosed with a subchorionic hematoma which resulted in placental abruption. I miss him more than words can say!!! If anyone has had a subchorionic hematoma, please contact me, I need to talk to someone who has also gone through this.

Email Address: emerick@gateway.net

Julia Stroud · from Port Orchard, WA

Aug 31, 1999 · 00:26

I hope I can find others who can help me cope with my recent loss...

Email Address: divajulia@prodigy.net

Rachel Otto · from Dumfries, VA

Aug 31, 1999 · 10:38

On November 12, 1997 our daughter Shelby Anne Otto passed away of SIDS/affixation. It has been two years this November. My son Michael was two when Shelby passed away. He saw everything down to her so lifeless and Curt (my husband) doing CPR to try to save Shelby. I want to share my story with you about our little angel Shelby if you don't mind. The night before all of this happened Shelby said ma..ma for the very first time. She was a chubby little thing with blonde hair and big blue eyes. I would put her hair up like Pebbles. Shelby was so cute. She had a smile that would light up the room. That was defiantly a passy girl. She loved her pacifiers and could put them in her mouth. If it were upside down she would fix it herself. That was so funny to watch. She also was a daddy’s girl all the way. Shelby was cutting her top teeth and they were almost threw the gums. She was also learning how to walk. Shelby loved her big brother Michael so much. He would be playing with his matchboxes and she would be right there playing right with him. She passed away a week before Thanksgiving and I had already started Christmas shopping for her. Talk about having a hard time having to return everything that I bought for her for her first Christmas. Anywise, that night Shelby was extremely fussy and would not eat her dinner so put her to bed and turned on country music so she could go to sleep (she loved country music). Shelby went right to sleep. Later that night my husband went in to check on her and she was just fine sleeping with her pacifier in her mouth so he turned off the radio and went to bed. The next morning I got up to go to work and my son woke up so I told him to watch TV until daddy gets up and he did just that. My husband works at night and watches the kids during the day. I had talked to my husband twice that morning and I asked him about the kids and he said Michael is playing and Shelby is still sleeping. I can sleep so I know my kids can do the same. She did not feel good that night before so Curt wanted to let her sleep as long as she wanted. Curt got her breakfast ready (her favorite is oatmeal) and went to get her up. He said he did not feel right when walking to her room. Normally she would get up in the morning and stand in her crib and yell da..da.. da..da.. and you would see her little hand open the door because her crib was close to the door. That morning this happened I had the worst chest pain in my life at work before I knew what happened. They say mothers feel the pain of their children. He went in to find her lifeless, blue and cold. He knew there was no chance she would live. He called 911 and started CPR...Michael was watching everything. When I got the call at work Curt was screaming Shelby's not breathing you have to come home now. I thought she might have choked on some food and there was hope for her. My boss at the time drove me home to find thousands of cops and fire equipment all in front of my house. I felt so sick the whole way home. I walked in my house and there were two police officers inside I looked one in the eyes and said she is going to make it right and he said nothing so I looked at the other and screamed she is going to make it...she going to make it right and he said no your daughter did not make it. I started fighting him and my knees just buckled and he sat me on my couch next to Curt and Michael who were crying so hard. The detectives came in and talked to us. Then they came in and took pictures of her room. My life was such a disaster. The detectives were drilling us. That was so hard because you are in shock and then you are being questioned to death. It took about two months to get the autopsy back. My family helped me with the funeral and all the arrangements because we had no live insurance and I could not think straight. That helped out allot. At the viewing I broke down into 50 pieces. She was so swelled up and her face was still purple. Shelby looked like a doll baby lying there. She was wearing what would have been her Christmas dress. It was a blue velvet dress with lace and she had a bonnet on. My mom who the kids call Nana put her cross earrings in Shelby's ears and a necklace to match. The service was nice my brother n law sang Butterfly Kisses because that was Curt's song to her before she passed away. At the service the minister read letters people wrote about Shelby. Unfortunately Curt's dad never got to meet Shelby because he lives out of state. At the funeral Curt carried her casket. He said I held her when she came in the world and I will hold her when she leaves us. Michael did not attend the funeral because I wanted him to remember good things not bad. He blamed himself for her death for along time. I miss her so much more than I can explain. Her nickname was Heffalump and on her headstone it says "Heavens Heffalump". She was such a happy baby. Curt was very suicidal after this happened. I had to be strong for both Curt and Michael. Michael is now 4 going to turn 5 in Dec. and remembers everything that happened to this day. It is important to grieve together and be there for each other. When Curt was down I was right there and when I was down he was right there for me. Curt and I had some marital problems a couple of months before this happened and we worked everything out. We are doing great now. After Shelby passed away my arms were aching so bad and I wanted another baby. I got pregnant about three months later. Having Matthew has brought so much joy to our lives. He was not replacing Shelby he was there to help the aching arms. We are going to try again for a girl next summer. I always talk about Shelby to keep her spirit alive. I watch her videos and look at her pictures as much as it hurts. One thing I found to help is I collect angels and everyone I get is in remembrance of her. I found a guardian angel to hang in my car so I bought it. She is our guardian angel. I have had a hard time the past couple months and I think it is because Matthew is around the same age as Shelby was when she passed away. I have been living in fear of something happening again. I think what kept me going was Michael because I knew he needed me. God bless anyone who has to go threw what I did with my baby girl Shelby. BIG HUG!!! Shelby Anne Otto Jan. 22, 1997- Nov. 12, 1997

Email Address: rotto@sytel.com

Angela · from Port Huron, Michigan

Aug 31, 1999 · 14:21

What a nice letter. I too lost my son to stillbirth and noone knows the pain and agony we go through. The nightmares, crying spells, holidays, the birthday of the child. I have just recently found a local support group which has helped. Unfortunately at this time I am the only one in there who has experienced stillbirth. However I find comfort in knowing that others feel as I do losing a child no matter when it happens. God Bless us all and our "angels of God".

Email Address: angela_r_lewandowski

Nancy and Kyle Bengtson · from Austin, Texas

Sep 1, 1999 · 21:08

Rebecca, I really enjoyed talking with you lastnight.I meant to confirm with you that I will recieve the Sept/Oct newsletter as my first. I really want to show the people who have given and will continue to give us memorials where our contributions will go. I believe my sister who lives here will also want to get on your list (She lost her child to VATERS syndrome) and I will give her your web address. I know I only met you over the phone lastnight but already I don't feel so alone. Thanks for your support!

Email Address: thebengtsons@hotmail.com

Nikki · from Minnesota

Sep 1, 1999 · 23:49

I lost my son Noah John on December9th of 97 to potters syndrome...his name means peace...i have such a difficult time dealing with this. i can remember calling my mom a week after his death asking her why my husband was able to watch t.v and laugh when i would'nt have been able to get out of bed if it had'nt been for my 4yr old daughter Kayla..her response to me was you should be back to normal by now..i remember thats when i felt stupid for feeling the way i did and now i never talk about him with my family and they do not bring him up until christmas or his birthday..i really feel the need to talk with people that have lost a child..i need to hear that you still have a hard time after so many years and that i am normal for the way i am feeling..Noah was with us for all most 2 hours...i have'nt been able to find any info on potters...it just reads lack of kidneys and bladder..i would like to hear from anyone who would like to chat with me! i love you Noah John!

Email Address: fred93@prairie.lakes.com

Debbie Toves · from Guam

Sep 2, 1999 · 01:22

I really needed something like this on September 5, 1982. That was the day my son, Jason Zachary, was delivered onto this world by a doctor who came too late. The doctor arrived at the hospital and immediately had to perform an emergency C-section on me because my son's umbilical cord had wrapped around my son's neck. While I waited for the doctor to come, the sound on the fetal heart monitor went from the quick, vivacious heartbeat of a healthy newborn baby; to the slow, labored heartbeat of a baby in distress. I asked hysterically what was happening, but instead of telling me what was happening, they quickly put me to sleep. When the doctor finally arrived, the umbilical cord had been coiled around my son's neck for so long, that it caused major brain damage. His life was sustained through a machine. He endured this for 24 hours. I stayed with my son while he lay in the nursery. He was perfect. His little ears, fingers and toes, his father's eyes, a head full of black hair... it made my heart ache even more. As I held my son's hand on the 24th hour, another doctor came in to the nursery, looked at him and said that it was hopeless, and he was better off without the machine. She told me to make the decision to turn off the machine. I looked down at my son and cried. There was no life in his little body, except for the movements he made because of the machine. At times his father would say that he was smiling. I looked at the doctor and told her to turn off the machine. He died immediately. That was September 6, 1982. I held his lifeless body in my arms as they took us to a "viewing" room, while streams of relatives walked by my son and I; crying and telling me that "it was better this way"; that "it was a blessing in disguise." I couldn't hear them. I felt numb because of the tumultuous emotions going through me, and deeply saddened by the loss of my first born son. September 5, 1999 will be the 17th anniversary of his birth. I didn't have anyone to talk to about my pain then. I'm glad I stumbled upon this website and discovered that there is a place that one can find solace.

Email Address: dtoves@uog9.uog.edu

Marisa Helton · from Garland,Tx

Sep 2, 1999 · 17:54

I lost my son,Brennan Wayne Helton, 22 weeks into my pregnancy.He weighed 1 pound and was 11 inches long.My placenta broke and he died after contractions started.He was perfect. He looked just like his daddy.It's been almost two weeks but it feels like years.It doesn't seem real.It seems like a big nightmare.I just don't understand how something so perfect could go so wrong.It's an everyday struggle just to get out of bed.But he's in the home that was prepared for him long before he was created.I love you Brennan with all of my heart. Mommy Brennan Wayne Helton August 21,1999

Email Address: risa82199

Mindy Schneider · from Central, IN

Sep 3, 1999 · 14:42

I have been receiving the newsletter, since the June 15th birth/death of my child. It's great to hear others stories, and know others are going through this and surviving also. Thank You, Mindy Schneider

Email Address: mindys@thepoint.net

Norma Cope · from Irving

Sep 8, 1999 · 10:15

My baby was born on August 6,1999 and died on August 17,1999. I was 26wks pregnant. I was hospitalized and restricted to bedrest at 18wks due to an incompetent cervix. I am extremely grateful that I was granted the time I had with my baby.

Email Address: norma-dfw@national-logistics.com

Midge Cole · from Dover, NJ

Sep 9, 1999 · 20:46

Thank you for this wonderful website and your newsletter. We lost our 3rd baby, Thomas Dean Cole, on July 24,1999, just 2 days after we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. He was stillborn at 30 weeks pregnancy. I know God is sovereign and faithful, but at times this grief is so overwhelming. As my due date is quickly approaching (Sept.27) I am having a difficult time.

Email Address: billcole@compuserve.com

Carlie Glanville · from Killeen, TX

Sep 10, 1999 · 00:57

I just came across your web site and I'm glad I did. August 16, 1999 I lost my precious lil baby girl, Regan. At 17 weeks of my pregnancy I started leaking fluid from around the baby. I was given the chose of terminating the pregnancy or continue on with the pregnancy and put me or the baby in some danger. My doctor was pushing me to terminate the pregnancy but my beliefs wouldn't allow me to terminate. My baby was still breathing and moving inside of me that right there gave me hope. I did everything I could to save her. I was put on bed rest by another doctor after I requested to no longer see the doctor that wanted me to terminate. From the day I found out I was pregnant I ate right, got plenty of rest, exercised, prayed to the Lord that he would get me through this and etc., so what went wrong? Doctors could not figure out. At 22 weeks the doctors saw that more fluid was leaking and the possiblity of the baby surviving was less and less. It was very hard to hear this. Hearing this news is every pregnant womans nightmare and I lived it. With me not being far enough along there was nothing the doctors could really do ao I just prayed that the Lord would let me get to my 25th week and if the baby had to be delivered than there was a chance she would be alright. The Sunday before she died I didn't feel much movement so I prayed to the Lord and asked him that if something was wrong with Regan please give me a sign. Well the next morning I went to the doctor and he couldn't find a heartbeat on my babygirl. The sac surrounding the baby had closed in on her and she could no longer breathe. That is the hardest thing to hear, your baby has died. I was able to se her after I had her, I still have my moments, and I still see her face in my memory. I have a 3 year old son and if it wasn't for him I think would have an even harder time dealing with the loss of Regan. I'm so glad I found a web-site that I could read other mother's stories and know that I'm not alone. If there is anyone out there that needs someone to talk to I'm a great listenerand I would like to get to know others who have been what I've been through. Carlie

Email Address: rsandage@centraltx.net

 

April Peters · from Elkhart, IN 46514

Sep 10, 1999 · 20:44

May God Be WithEver Parent that has lost.

Email Address: bpatrol@gte.net

Alicia McInnis · from Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Sep 15, 1999 · 21:44

What a wonderful resource. And what beautiful ANGELS!!

Email Address: argus@netcom.ca

Rene Ries · from Berwyn, IL

Sep 17, 1999 · 10:03

I had a miscarriage 9-5-99 at 19 weeks. I have two other children, a son,7 and a daughter,3. They were both looking forward to the new baby. They ask why the baby died and if God will make another one soon. My son talks about Christopher in school and draws pictures of him as an angel. My daughter just wants to know when there will be another baby. My husband and I are coping okay. The first few days were really tough for everyone. We all seem to be doing better. That could be due to getting ready to move next week. I hope the worst pain is over for everyone especially the children. Rene

Email Address: Tries13986@aol.com

Patricia South · from Albuquerque, NM

Sep 18, 1999 · 16:39

Our family lost our little girls on Nov. 9, 1998. Megan was still born. I had a abruption possibily caused by PIHT (toxemia). I do have three boys (5,4,& 2) but we would like to have another baby. I am having a very hard time trying to get information concerning PIHT and the chances of it occuring again. (My doctor who has become very close to the family even prior to our loss is very much agianst me having another baby because of the severity of the PIHT at delivery. I showed only slightly elevated blood pressure when I walked into the hospital, after my water had broken. The abruption apparently happened eariler. I had no pain, vision problems, etc.) I respect my doctors advise, yet I feel I still must be the one who makes this decision. I am wondering I your organization can point me in the a direction concerning PIHT? I am finding very few firm answers as to the cause and chances of it happening again. For myself, I am trying to make some baby gowns for the hospital. I am trying to find very small (1-6 lbs) sizes for the babies. I would appreciate any help in this area too. Thank you for your time and you caring hearts.

Email Address: south66@juno.com

Diane Zecker · from Pennsylvania

Sep 20, 1999 · 16:36

My husband and I lost our first and only baby girl, Sharon Lee on May 14, 1998. Couple days before, I noticed that the baby stopped moving. I knew that there was something wrong but everyone kept telling me that the baby was just getting ready for labor. The next day, I call the doctor, told them what was going on, they told me to go right to their office immediately. They started looking for the heartbeat, found nothing. Did a sonogram, but it was to late. We went to the hospital and went through the procedure. It was the most horrible thing we had to go through. She was the most precious baby I have ever seen. She is our little angel, and we miss her terribly!!! Now we're trying again. My doctor has just diagnosed me with Polycystic ovary, so it might take a little longer. But we're not giving up.

Email Address: dzecker@intergrafix.net

Stacy Gilbert · from New Haven, MI

Sep 24, 1999 · 11:57

It's been two years since we lost our son Robert through miscarriage. I was five months pregnant. He was our second child. Many people thought it wouldn't be as hard because we already had a daughter, but it was. I'm just now trying to work through my grief. It's taking me a long time. Your site looked very helpful and I would like any information or help you could give. Thank you so much. I don't feel alone knowing that other mothers have also experienced a great loss.

Email Address: bob739@icqmail.com

Steve and Beverly Wallach · from Bedford, Texas

Sep 25, 1999 · 15:55

Wonderful web site. It's great to know there are so many supportive parents. Our SHARE group is in the final stages of bringing the Christmas Box Angel statue to Texas. If anyone is interested in supporting this effort, please email us.

Email Address: share_rts@yahoo.com

Stacey Peacock · from New York

Sep 25, 1999 · 17:01

thank you

Email Address: STACEYPK@JUNO.COM

Carlie Glanville · from Killeen, Texas

Sep 25, 1999 · 20:01

Just wanted to say Thank You for this wonderful web site and to let you know that my e-mail has changed. wack@balista.com

Email Address: wack@balista.com

Shay and Chris Barnes · from Tulsa,Oklahoma

Sep 26, 1999 · 17:32

Thank you so much for your web site it is helping me get through the hardest weeks of my life. My husband and I lost our precious angel, Connor Anthony Barnes, on 9-13-99, he lived only 20 minutes then went to heaven. He was too early at 24 weeks, born by emergency C-Section secondary to placental abruption for no known reason. My heart aches for all of us dealing with such losses. I am a Family Physician with much knowledge about this stuff and still that does not comfort me. MOM AND DAD LOVE YOU CONNOR XXOOXXOOXOXOX

Email Address: drtakedown@aol.com

Leslie Brangwynne RN · from Cypress (Houston), TX

Sep 26, 1999 · 21:57

Am working on setting up a breavement program at our Labor and Delivery Department Any help, guidance you can offer would be appreciated Information on your workshops is also requested Leslie

Email Address: leslieb@registerednurses.com

Shannon Garnett · from CA

Sep 28, 1999 · 03:51

I signed the guest book in 1998 and at the time I was missing my little angel very much! I still miss Adrianna but I have since then had another little girl, Raelene, who is perfectly healthy. She has filled an empty void in my heart and made me whole again. Thank you, God, for my gifts! They are more precious than gold!

Email Address: dusty_rose_1973@yahoo.com

Melissa Bush · from Athens, Texas

Sep 28, 1999 · 22:31

On January 20 of 1995, my first daughter was stillborn. I was two weeks away from my due date and there was no movement or heartbeat at my doctor's visit. My husband was with me, praise God!! We induced the following day and we named her Madison Alexandra. She was beautiful and we will never forget that she is our first daughter and we will see her in heaven. The Lord has blessed us with a girl and a boy in the last 4 years and they bring us great joy.

Email Address: mbush1@aol.com

Kara LaBonte · from Bridgewater, MA

Sep 29, 1999 · 15:59

I had perfect pregnancy. Our daughter, Emily Paige was born on August 11, 1999 at 37.5 weeks. I had not felt her move, and was sent to the hospital for monitoring. While her heartrate was fine, there was no response to any stimilus. After two Biophysical Profiles, labor was induced. With every contraction her heartrate would dive, then rebound when it was over. She was delivered by c-section very anemic. She was transferred to Boston and her little body was poked and prodded with every test imaginable. I was transferred to Boston as well to be with her. Thiry-six hours later we were told that due to a maternal-fetal hemmorage her organs were too damaged to sustain life. Her brain was seizing, and when it wasn't there wasn't much activity. We had to make the decision to end her suffering. We were able to have her baptized and have her grandparents and aunts/uncles hold her and say good bye. We were able to be with her, and hold her until her journey was complete. She died on August 14th. We miss her terribly!!! Two months later, it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. I constantly ache for her. I found the site by "accident", or maybe from a higher authority. Thank you for letting me realize that we are not alone.

Email Address: billkara@ma.ultranet.com

Lisa (Neal) Eastland · from Atlanta

Oct 1, 1999 · 02:09

It has been only 5 months since our little Parker died...I now search for stories, success after a tragedy such as this. I see light at the end of the dark tunnel. I feel excited about trying again...but also feel reluctant. Lisa

Email Address: TexasLisaE@aol.com

Christine Killmer · from Millbrook, NY

Oct 1, 1999 · 13:24

I found your website accidentally, and am I ever glad I did! I'm trying to deal with the death of my daughter, Steffani Gwen. She had a hole in her heart and died of heart failure 2 years ago. I love her and miss her so much! I was lucky in a way...she was born 5 weeks early....she was alive and doing okay at first. I got to hold her and love her for 36 hours, then she died in my arms. Everyone thinks I should be "all better." I'll never be all better...I'll grieve for my baby forever! Thank you for listening!

Email Address: Kikidonald@aol.com

Deborah · from Indiana

Oct 3, 1999 · 21:48

Hello, this is my first time here and I think I am dying inside. I lost Christopher Michael Masterson my beautiful baby boy three months ago. He was a perfect little seven month old baby when he left me. An awful illness called pneumonia took him away from me. I say awful because he had no signs of being sick from it. He was given a healthy diagnosis at the doctors 2 weeks prior to his death. The day my pumpkin left, he was playing and laughing so hard in his jumper, the poor thing just fell asleep in it. He looked so uncomfortable me and my husband picked him up and layed him on his bed. He looked up at us for a minute and smiled with his little 2 teeth and closed his eyes and continued sleeping. 10 minutes later when we checked on him, he was already gone. That quick. It tears my heart out. I cant forget about the day he left. The flashbacks of finding him and the CPR and the ambulance and the hospital and the worst words on earth to hear "Sorry, We did all we could." NOOOOOOOO!! Not my baby, not him. The whole story just repeats itself over and over and over again. I feel as if I have totally lost control of myself. Can anyone please tell me what normal is?????????????

Email Address: masters@dnsonline.net

Melissa McOwan · from Alton, IL

Oct 4, 1999 · 17:22

I lost my precouis baby boy at 22 weeks gestation.Due to incompentent cervix.He was born Aug.29,1999 at 12:13pm.

Email Address: tender70@yahoo.com

Brenda Wood · from Texas

Oct 4, 1999 · 18:52

I lost my grandson in April of 1999. He was only a day old. Beautiful baby, full term, almost 8 pounds. My heart aches to rock him. I know that someday I will get to cuddle and rock him, just like I did my sweet Emily Meg. Things have changed alot in my life. Days use to be hectic, but now they are more meaningful. I now see things in a very different way. Life if very short, and now I realize just how short it can be. To lose a loved one, takes a part of your soul and heart away. I cry because I never got to say "GoodBye".

Email Address: Stitches29@aol.com

Michelle Thompson · from Kent, Washington

Oct 5, 1999 · 12:00

I ran into a girlfriend just last night. Diane and I met in the 7th grade and shared a locker for six years while in school. We've been friends a long time but after we got married we've drifted apart. Diane did not look good when I saw her and then she shared with me that she had recently been pregnant, went to term and delivered a stillbirth baby Haley Rose, August 25th. I'm worried about Diane and she and I have had several long heart wrenching talks since then. I cofounded a support group for multiple birth children and am attempting to help her myself, but I've never been the Mommmy to experience this. I did have a stillborn brother and it has affected my entire life (I'm 34) my children although premature fought a hard fight and survived with no lasting defects and are now healthy, happy 4 year olds. Thanks for your website, and if you know of a support group in the Enumclaw, WA area I could direct Diane to, please let me know. Diane does not have internet access. Michelle Thompson

Email Address: michelle.ls.thompson@worldnet.att.net

Patricia Maddox · from Sacramento, CA

Oct 6, 1999 · 15:56

Your page has been very helpful.

Email Address: PMMaddox@AOL.com

Leigh Corbin · from Texas

Oct 7, 1999 · 12:18

I am getting better everyday. I still have very bad days since my son died on June 28,1999. I lost him at 32weeks and there was no medical reason for his heart to stop. Would it mske it easier if I had an explanation??????? I have read all over the internet stories of other parents like me,and I alwats come back to this one . thank you to everyone who is willing to share their stories.I feel a little less alone in all of this.

Email Address: xraygtr@hotmail.com

Sandy · from Arizona

Oct 9, 1999 · 00:37

I had a miscarriage exactly 2 years ago. It was the most devastating experience of my life. I became this horrible angry person....mad at God and everyone in the world who had healthy happy babies. It took me a year before I was halfway normal again...and I still have bad days.....but I just recently gave birth to a healthy beautiful little girl in June. I was so scared during my whole pregnancy...but everything turned out ok. I just want to encourage anyone who is going through this that there is hope. Email me if you need a friend who understands.

Email Address: grussell@vtc.net

Cherish Hiatt-Lewis · from McCook, Nebraska

Oct 9, 1999 · 20:50

My original entry, dated July 28, 1999, was the only one I have ever been able to write until now. My baby died May 29th. For those of you who have suffered more recently, I want to offer my condolences and to tell you that healing is a process. Some of the most recent entries are from people who are coping much better than I did/am. It is comforting to know that there is hope. I am so thankful for the people who read my original entry and wrote to me. Those interactions have been invaluable. Every day is still hard. My due date has passed. Some acceptance is visiting my heart. But lets not ever forget and lets all do whatever we can to spread the word that pregnancies are miracles. I do not judge anyone who would choose not to carry their pregnancies to term. But, I hope my story and all of those here, will help our fellow humans realize how precious the opportunity to bare children is. I remain hopeful that I'll be able to experience that miracle again sometime soon. Wishing you all peace. And still welcoming your friendships. Cherish

Email Address: chiattlewis@hotmail.com

Rev. Kathy Sapp Ozenberger · from Galveston, Texas

Oct 12, 1999 · 16:33

Thank you for the informative website.

Email Address: ksozenbe@UTMB.edu

LeShawne Ridge · from Ooltewah, TN

Oct 13, 1999 · 15:19

I just discovered your website today. It's nice to know that there are websites out there for parents who have gone through the loss of a child. My husband and I lost our first born, a son, Logan Joshua Ridge, on August 29, 1998. He was born at 24 weeks due to me developing severe pre-eclampsia. His loss has been very hard for us, but we take comfort in knowing that one day we will hold Logan in Heaven and we'll never be separated from him again. We are trying to get pregnant again and hope the Lord will bless us with another child soon because we have so much love to give.

Email Address: lcr@cblawfirm.com

Katherine Marie Farris · from Wellborn, FL

Oct 16, 1999 · 17:04

Christine Marie Farris 1/8/95 yes the sounds of a child crying, the thought that the hospital was wrong, the disbeleif i was to go home without her ,just to leave her. the body telling you something is missing the heart shattered, the mind in total confussion. The quest to spiritually connect to God, to live on. this april first i gave birth to Jessica Adelle Farris I lived in total fear for 9 months because i never thought it could happen the first time,afraid it could happen again. but God blessed me with a beautiful healthy baby girl

Email Address: tfarris@alltel.net

Caylee H. · from Akron ,Ohio

Oct 16, 1999 · 23:53

Caylee was born at 28 wks gestation she weighed 12 1/2 ounces and was 10 1/4 iches long. She was on a vent for 9 wks. developed B.P.D., which is scaring of the lungs due to being on the vent. Caylee had 3 breif home comings the first one on Dec.26,1997 she quit eating and went back to the hospital. second was Jan.27,1998 went into full respitory distress. Third was on Feb. 27,1998 was home the whole weekend was doing great on late Sun. night early Mon. moring was having breathing problems her monitor went to low heart rate I told my husband to call 911 by the time he got back to the room I start c.p.r. went to hospital and was told she was gone. Caylee was born on Sept.9,1997 and passed away on March 2,1998 it was the hardest thing I've went thru in my life. She is gone but will never be forgotten. Sadly missed and loved forever.

Email Address: mlm751@aol.com

Daniela Tobie · from NewYork

Oct 17, 1999 · 22:27

Would like to hear from anyone with ruptured membranes early in their pregnancy.

Email Address: lendan@aol.com

Daniela Tobie · from Bayside, NewYork

Oct 17, 1999 · 23:37

I was finally told I was pregnant on January 12, 1999. Nothing could feel better than hearing those words "You're pregnant" after 7 years of infertility and your 3rd IVF try. After my first month of pregnancy I started feeling sick and began vomitting constantly that I was hooked up to IV's at home with medicine to reduce the vomitting long enough so that I could eat something. I was carrying twins and was concerned that my babies weren't getting the proper nutrition from me. On April 20, I started bleeding and drove myself to my obstetricians office worried sick. I was told that I had ruptured my membranes on my daughter. I was the taken to the hospital and immediately put in T'Berg position in bed (your feet are elevated higher than your head so that you are basically upside down to relieve pressure off your cervix). I was told by my doctors that I was never going to have these babies. People who have ruptured this early usually lose their baby within hours, due to infection. After two weeks in bed my doctors told me to get out of bed beacause I was increasing my chances of infection by laying down and accumulating the amniotic fluid and not letting it come out. I should tell you that I had a minimal amount of fluid in my daughters sac at the time I ruptured and that sometimes you could regain the fluid and have the sac reseal. I was also told that my daughter could live with the minimal amount of fluid she had in her sac. But after getting out of bed (against my will) for two brief steps because I couldn't walk from being off my feet for the two weeks I then had a sono and was told I lost all the fluid. After this horrible news, I decided to stay in T-Birg position no matter what my doctors said.I was going to stay in bed for the remainder of my pregnancy however long that may be. My doctors thought I was insane telling me that it wouldn't help. They also told me to abort and day in day out I was told discouraging news that I probably wouldn't have my son or my daughter. But miraculously, I remaind uninfected much to my doctors amazement. Hardly any cases have been documented of pregnancies continuing without going into labor after ruptured membranes, especially so early on in the pregnancy. I stayed in bed without ever getting up. Not even to go to the bathroom. My family had to cook for me, empty bedpans and my husband had to bathe me, wash my hair, shave my legs and occasionally give me a pedicure. This was hard on everyone but I wasn't going to give up. Between being hospitalized and being sent home on a hospital bed, as per my request, I was in bed for a total of four months. I went on to deliver my twins at 27 weeks. My daughter just couldn't hold in there any longer. She had a prolapsed cord and luckily I was in the hospital again after staining and having contractions on July 4th, 1999. Gabriella Hope and Leonard James III were born on July 25, 1999. As my doctors informed me, if my daughter makes it and she is delivered alive, she would not live very long due to a disease called hypoplastic lungs, which means the lungs were not developed because of lack of fluid. Unfortunately, they were right. Gabriella Hope died on July 26, 1999. There wasn't anything they could do for her. I even asked if I could give part of my lung to her but they said that it was impossible. I couldn't believe after keeping faith and hope and saying alot of prayers and staying off my feet for four months, I was going to lose the greatest thing I have ever wanted. My daughter Gabriella. Luckily, I have a beautiful son who unfortunately spent 2 1/2 months in the NICU. We lived on pins and needles everyday because of setbacks he had, but thankfully, we finally got him home on October 11, 1999. I still am devastated over the loss of my daughter and cannot get her out of my mind. I kiss her picture every night and thank her for giving her brother life. She could have very well came out at 13 weeks and I would have lost both of them, but she hung in there for her brother and gave him a chance. She is truly our guardian angel. I love her so much and miss her terribly. Her brother will one day know about his sister, his own little guardian angel. But for know I have to be strong for my son although it is hard. I keep feeling I should have two babies at home with me not one. But I thank God everyday for my son Leonard and for my daughter Gabriella. I Love you so much Gabriella. You are greatly missed. Your mommy.

Email Address: LenDan@AOL.COM

Michelle Finnegan · from Livermore, CA

Oct 18, 1999 · 00:41

We lost our beloved Jack David on August 2, 1999. He was stillborn at 39 weeks due to a clot in his cord. I miss him so much and wish I could hold him one last time. We want to conceive again, but it is so frightening to think about losing another child. Mommy loves you Jack. I will hold you again someday. Please be your brother's angel and look out for him. We always talk to him about you. He will always know you and love you as we do.

Email Address: eoraptor@pacbell.net

Sam and April Moreton · from Carrollton, TX

Oct 18, 1999 · 12:26

We'd like to know when the next seminars or support groups will be meeting, and if they meet on a regular basis. Blessings, The Moretons

Email Address: moreton@airmail.net

Meg Macdonald · from Reno, Nevada

Oct 21, 1999 · 11:22

Thank you for your website and newsletter. We lost our first and only beautiful daughter Anna on July 2, 1999. She was born at 23 weeks gestation. My water broke at 22 weeks and I was placed on bedrest. Exactly one week later I got an infection and delivered Anna. She was 1 pound 4 ounces and 11 inches long. She died at birth. We held her for hours and took pictures of her. We had her cremated, and placed her ashes under a baby Ponderosa Pine tree in the Mount Rose Wilderness Area. Anna's due date was October 29 and I am thinking about her more and more as that date approaches. I miss her so much and will always love her.

Email Address: Meg@geomego.reno.nv.us

Francesca Johnson · from Sacramento, CA

Oct 21, 1999 · 13:47

This is my first visit to your web site. I was surfing the web and found you. My son recently past away on 9/24/99 with congestive heart failure. He was born 7/20/99.

Email Address: kjohn10463@aol.com

Mark · from Baltimore, MD

Oct 25, 1999 · 12:30

Our Ad somehow was erroneously posted on your site. It simply does not belong among such sensitive material. We greatly appreciate the comfort you are bringing to parents who have lost their children and realise an important step is to talk about it. We deeply apologize for our error and would appreciate it if you would remove the ad immediately from your guest book. Chatterbox Mall Man · from Baltimore, MD Oct 16, 1999 · 23:25 Email Address: ibcnet@bcpl.net

Email Address: ibcnet@bcpl.net

Angela Shaffer · from Watauga, TX

Oct 26, 1999 · 01:21

On April 19th of this yr I woke up with a terrible pain in my stomach. At first I didnt take it seriously. After 20 minutes went by and the pain didnt go away I realised something was wrong. A hr. later I was told my babys heart beat had stop. There was no warning or reason. Alot of people hurt me when they would remind of how lucky I was that I already had two beautiful children as if this loss wasnt as bad as it could be. Im still very confused, angry, and lost. My husband and I dont really talk about it much. I hate the pain I see in his eyes when I mention our dear sweet sons name. Im praying each day to let go of this unanswered question of Why me lord?What did I do wrong? I saw your support group in a article that the preacher who spoke at my sons funeral suggested to my husband. I couldnt stop crying as I read the article. No one understands this aching I have or the sense of loss that I feel. I feel that a part of me is dead now. Just going thru the phases of life and pretending that the last yr didnt happen. I mean I dont have anything to show for it except a broken heart and a scar. We had just set a date for the c-section and I called everyone and less than 8 hrs later he was dead.I will never forget my precious Conner Stephen Shaffer. I just pray one day when I see him again he will remember me. Thanks for a Moment of your time....I say a prayer for all the pregnant women before i fall asleep!

Email Address: Mayfer528

Wendy Thomson · from Calgary, Alberta Canada

Oct 26, 1999 · 18:29

Hi there...my niece had her baby Oct. 18 due to a emergency c section her baby was born and was determined that he had suffered from CMV virus and that his chances were 30% survival...he was blind was unable to breath on his own was 2.7 pounds...eventurally after 3 days his lungs were shutting down and he was shutting down...she pulled the plug as to speak on Oct. 24 2:00am and he died in her arms...i just want to say...how helpless i felt...i couldnt take the pain away...I just wanted to share this with others...This is for my niece Chrissie Marie Thomson I love you

Email Address: wkirk@telusplanet.net

Cindy Haugen · from Sherwood Park, Alberta, Canada

Oct 26, 1999 · 23:03

I enjoyed looking at your newsletters. I am an editor of a newsletter here called Hearts --Helping Empty Arms Recover Through Sharing. We have only been publishing for about a year. We also offer telephone support and referrals, a drop in monthly support group, a resource library a special care package which we send out to bereaved families. We, too, have found a lack of resources in our community and that is why we started Hearts. I had a stillborn baby boy in 1995 named Bret, and myself along with four other women started the group under the umbrella of Parents' Place Association of Sherwood Park. We are still seeking funding to cover some of our costs. Thank you for sharing! It's a great website! Cindy

Email Address: rbmunro@telusplanet.net

Terry-Lynn Huculiak · from Saskatchewan, Canada

Oct 27, 1999 · 19:18

I just found your site today and I hope that it will help me to deal with my losses. We lost two babies to tubal pregnancies so I didn't even have the opportunity to hold our little ones before God took them away. People have a hard time understanding how a person's arms can feel so empty if you lost the baby so early, but they do. Would love to hear from someone else in the same situation

Email Address: t_huculiak@hotmail.com

Deborah~Christopher's Mommy · from Plymouth, Indiana

Oct 27, 1999 · 22:05

ell, I have alot to say. First of all please forgive me if I start rambling on. I get lost in my hurt nowadays. I am having a hard time trying to imagine my life without my little Angel in my arms. I am so angry with God right now. How could he give me seven wonderful months to hold and touch and love my child, and then take him away? Christopher had just gotten his first tooth in, the day he left me, four short months ago. Yet I never got to see him smile with both of them. Christopher had just started baby talking real good, yet I never got to hear him say "mama". Christopher was just starting to move around in the crawling position, yet I never got to see him crawl. Oh the nights were so wonderful. He would lay in his play pen and play peek~a~boo for hours. He had just learned how to play it a few weeks before and he loved it. You see, Christopher was always happy and smiling. Now when I look to where he should be laying, and there is no one there. My nights are filled with Demons surrounding me. One demons name is Fear, fear of what my life has in store for me. Another demons name is Pain, pain so strong, it controls your every move. Another ones name is Emptiness, the most empty feeling a person could have. Another demon is Guilt, what could I have done differently? To have made him stay. The worst demon of all, though, is named Reality. This one just sneaks up on you from out of the blue, and screams "Your Baby Is Dead!!". I no longer have control over who I am or how I feel.The old "me" is dead and buried with my son. And the only thing left is a mere existence of who I used to be. You see, I don't want to continue my life without him. I am so tired of having to walk around with a happy mask on, so people won't worry about me or start telling me ignorant things like "You will get over it" or "Your boy's are all you need." NO, I have my boy's. What I need is Christopher. He must be so lonely and sad wherever he is. He was never happy unless I was around him. I want to hold him again, kiss him again, play with him again, to have my baby back again. How can I go on? My world is gone. I want him back so bad. I want to hold him and tell him, I am sorry for every little mistake I ever made to him. Everyone says time will make it easier, I don't believe that. How can time ease how much I love him? How can time ease this incredible, gut wrenching pain I feel? I am drowning in a deep sorrow, and I can't find the life preserver. My heart is slowly ripping to pieces and my soul is dying. Please tell me there is hope of a "normal" future. Don't tell me it gets easier, because I know a pain this strong could never get easier, maybe the daily routine of living gets easier, but the pain will never cease to exist. If I let go of the pain, it is like letting go of him. My days since then are filled with the horror of opening my eyes each morning, and him not being there. The listless hours of the day seem to last Forever, just waiting until I can close my eyes and be with him once again in my dreams. But as usual when night time falls upon me, my world suddenly slows down on and his thoughts return to me. As I lay in bed, I cry until there are no more tears to cry. Sleep would be the last thing I ever get, for his memories and my pain, own me. I am no longer in control of who I am or how I feel. I scream silently while my heart breaks and aches over not holding him or being able to touch him again. I need him and I am going crazy inside. I am so sorry for anyone who has lost a child. And my heart (what's left of it) goes out to everyone who has been here for me and for letting me cry and die inside with you. God Bless The World And God Bless Our Children, Deborah Masterson Christopher Michael Masterson 11/26/98~7/3/99 http://www.oe-pages.com/FAMILY/Parenting/debbiedeb199

Email Address: masters@dnsonline.net

Tosha Drye · from Newport

Oct 30, 1999 · 01:11

I lost my third son Jarred Tyler on September 30,1999 only 8 weeks after he was born. It has been hard having to deal with the decsions I had to make. I am so glad that I had those 8weeks with him even though they were not enough. I know that God needed Jarred for some special reason and I would find out one day.I just hope I can make it through this time.... my grief seems to swallow me up and it doesnt seem to be getting easier just harder. If anyone can give me advise please do.

Email Address: igotevn@aol.com

Jong In and Retha Choi (Chae) · from Daejon, S. Korea

Oct 30, 1999 · 01:14

Hi, my husband and I lost our first daughter August 31, 1999. She was born stillborn at 35 weeks. She had died from umbilical cord strangulation. She had died inside my womb 2 days before. We were not able to hold or really see her, because the doctor's here in Korea didn't think it would be good for us. Although, I had requested to see her. Which we did for a short, short second. I am an American and my husband is Korean. I am going throught the anger stage of grieving and feeling really cheated. Especially when I hear about other peoples experience in being able to see their little ones and even holding them. I have nothing. Not even a grave site. They have no cemetaries here in Korea. She was cremated. I would appreciate someone to talk to. I don't have any resources for counseling or groups here. I have to receive all my information and help over the internet. I am really angry at the doctor because I believe she could have helped me more. Sincerely, Retha Choi (pronounced Chae)

Email Address: rmccrain@hotmail.com

Alan & Cheri Janssen · from Bloomington, MN

Oct 30, 1999 · 23:59

We want to thank you for this wonderful website. We have lost two babies in a row due to miscarriage 6-27-99 and 9-27-99. It has been very hard for the both of us to deal with the loss of both of these angels. We have lost them both during the sixth week. We do not know if the first baby had a heart beat, but we had an ultra-sound done on 9-24-99, and everything seemed to be ok with our second child, but three days later our hearts were crushed once again. We love both of these babies and think about them everyday. Please pray for these, and all the other angels that mean so very much to all of us. Our hearts go out to everyone else who has lost a child. Please feel free to contact us anytime if you need someone to talk to. Thanks again.

Email Address: janssen@uswest.net

Amanda Martin · from Ontario, Canada

Oct 31, 1999 · 21:14

The HTML for the link on the post above was left out. The address for the Jonathan Alfred Simms Memorial is: http://members.tripod.com/~zoehanson/hanson.html or if you would like to see some ultrasounds of my new baby visit http://openfire.flawed.net/baby.html

Email Address: monalisa_hanson@yahoo.com

Cindy Perkins · from Newfoundland, Canada

Nov 1, 1999 · 14:35

I gave birth to a stillborn son July 21, 1999. He was our first child. I am happy to see there are sites on the internet to help us understand that it is okay to grieve and to remember or child. I just wanted to say thanks.

Email Address: Perkynf@nf.sympatico.ca

Rita Fadako · from Pennsylvania

Nov 2, 1999 · 10:35

I was blessed with a daughter in 1996 who God chose to take back to heaven with Him. Today three years later I pray everyday for babies born/unborn and eveyone who gives/gets/needs support. When I was told my baby would never survive, I remember telling the doctor that I would never want anyone to go thru this, not knowing how much it happens, so I made a promise to make sure no one would ever feel so alone. So, I want to thank you for for all the support you made possible for parents and know that I will keep you in my prayers. I do know that with out my liitle angel in heaven and Jesus I would not be the person I am today! If I can be of any help please contact me. Thank you! In memory of Brittney Marie September 5, 1996

Email Address: rdaley@bm.net

Donna · from Garland, TX

Nov 2, 1999 · 16:52

My beautiful baby boy, Eric, died at 11 days old in June 1997 from Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia, a rare lung disorder that is fatal. Please feel free to contact me if you have experienced the loss of your precious baby to ACD.

Email Address: sdhanson@flash.net

Lori M. Davis · from Maryville,TN

Nov 2, 1999 · 23:24

i LOST SPONTANEOUS IDENTICAL TRIPLET BOYS IN JULY OF THIS YEAR DUE TO INCOMPETENT CERVIX

Email Address: LDRN0307@AOL.COM

Kimberly Pennock · from Michigan

Nov 3, 1999 · 17:28

We lost our 22 day old son due to trauma at birth. He was perfectly healthy with no apparent problems until his heart suddenly stopped beating. He was delivered via emergency C-Section and spent his life in NICU. It has been nearly six months, but I realize now I am just starting to mourn him, and have been numb and in shock since his birth.

Email Address: smyrnami@pathwaynet.com

Sandy Welton Wood · from Elk River, MN

Nov 3, 1999 · 17:29

On August 16th, 1999 our beautiful, second son Daniel Max was born. That night we found out he had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. Nine days later he had what would have been the first of three surgeries. At 6:30 pm, August 24th, 1999, our lovely boy left our sides to be in Heaven. His Daddy Mike, our son Sean and I are learning how to live again. I would appreciate any e-mails or correspondence with anyone who wished to.

Email Address: UserWench@AOL.com

Greg & Louise Bool · from London, England

Nov 4, 1999 · 13:54

We lost our little boy 'Nicholas' still born on Tuesday 19th October 1999. He was and will always be our first child. Life seems so empty at this moment, all we seem to do is cry. I hope & pray it gets better.

Email Address: Greg@Rivergraphics.co.uk

Misty Monique Chadwick · from Fort Bragg, North Carolina

Nov 7, 1999 · 18:06

I know the pain of losing a child. I lost my first son on 11-7-96 at 9 days old. I also lost my second son on 3-26-98 at 19 days old. It has taken me a long time to overcome the pain and the heartache that comes with losing a child, I will never forget them, but I know that God will never put more on me than I can bear.

Email Address: songtress94@hotmail.com

Rick & Kim Ralston · from Brighton, Michigan

Nov 9, 1999 · 11:35

William Thomas Ralston, what a beautifully sounding name. Daddy and I love you soooo much. You would have been five February 6th. You were joy to my heart and a song in my soul, I know Jesus is enjoying you being with him. hug Jon, Melinda, the four babies and the triplets for mummy please. Until I come to you, I send my love. Love Mummy and Daddy.

Email Address: rralston@snowcrest.net

Daniela & Edward Nickerson · from Keene, New Hampshire

Nov 9, 1999 · 12:29

Our Daughter Michaela died of SIDS on July 23,1997.She was born on June 11,1997.I picked her bithday to be 6 months to the day of mine.It has been two years andwe have our share of good times and bad.They say the pain goes away in time ,but not for me it hasn't.It still hurts so much.

Email Address: joey@monad.net

Kimberly Moore · from Northern Kentucky

Nov 9, 1999 · 13:52

Hello, My name is Megan. My mother kimberly found out she was pregnant in April. She will be 44 on dec.3. The baby was due around the same day as her birthday. The baby died inside her at about 5 months. She had to give birth a few days after she found out about the death of the baby. Every day the date rolls around every month she cries and she's been pretty depressed. I know next month will be extremely hard for her. She does not have a computer, so i am signing for her. She is a Christian and i signed her up for a free subscription. I'm hoping that will help her some. Please keep her in your prayers.

Email Address: Pankomr@ttu.theshield.org

Nicole D. Broussard · from Louisiana

Nov 12, 1999 · 11:06

My husband and I had a beautiful baby boy on June 1, 1999. Our little boy is nowing with the angels above. He was still born. There was a knot in his cord. I was three days over due. If anyone wants to share with me please e-mail. My husband and I trying to conceive again. We are now on month three and I have very mixed emotions. Anyone sharing these feeling?? please e-mail Thanks. God Bless To All. PS Kaleb mommy and daddy love and miss you very much

Email Address: ndbcpa@aol.com

Tiffinie Newman · from Victoria, Texas

Nov 18, 1999 · 23:10

My family and I lost our son, Colby Jacob Newman, on November 4, 1999 at 8 1/2 months into my pregnancy, exactly two (2) weeks prior to a scheduled C-Section (November 17, 1999). Just the day before, I had been to the Dr. for an ultrasound and non-stress test which I was told was perfect. This day I was buying groceries after picking up my 10 year old daughter from school when I felt a burning to the right of my belly button that lasted for a just a few seconds. I felt the baby move around 5 p.m. and never felt him again. We are still awaiting the final autopsy results but the Dr. has said that the cord along with the baby's kidneys failing contributed to his death. I'm still dazed and shocked and am trying to recuperate from the c-Section I had to have anyway. None of us understand. Thanks for listening. Tiffinie

Email Address: tifvin@spdway.net

Cynthia Ann Damron · from Everman, Texas

Nov 19, 1999 · 00:39

Our first born daughter - Caroline Hope Damron - was stillborn on August 14th, 1999. We had a full term healthy pregnancy. After being 6 days past due we went for a doctor visit and no heartbeat was found. So begins our struggle to continue on with our life under these excruciating circumstances. At the moments that have been since, we seem to struggle with most all we have to do to exist.

Email Address: Damron5@juno.com

Andrea Loewen · from Abbotsford, BC, Canada

Nov 19, 1999 · 01:42

Our baby girl, Rachel, was born on March 26, 1997 and died three days later. We had an almost 2 1/2 year old daughter, a miscarriage, then pregnant with Rachel. At my 30 week checkup at the GP I measured 36 cm. A week later I had my first ultrasound of this pregnancy. The scan took forever, then they made us wait in the hall. My husband and I thought this was strange, we had had ultrasounds with our first daughter and never had to wait outside. Then they said we could go home after waiting about half and hour. Shortly after we got home the phone rang, it was the doctor telling us to be in his office first thing the next morning, there is an abnormality with the baby. I freaked out! He said there is fluid in her abdomen. When we arrived at the doctors office he straight out told us the baby has fetal hydrops. He said there are different reasons this could happen and because he did not know the reason our baby had a 50/50 chance of survival. Fetal hydrops does not have a good outcome. We were devasted. The next morning we went to BC Womens Hospital and were admitted. I had a cordocentisis and every other test that could be done trying to find out what my baby had. Her heart rate was strong. I was always on the fetal monitor and contracting all the while. The doctors wanted her inside of me as long as possible because it gave her a better chance on the outside. I had several shots to ready her lungs for birth. At this point we knew we were having a girl. My 21/2 year old was devasted not to have Mommy at home with her, so was my husband. Two weeks after being admitted they could not wait any longer, she had to be delivered. Rachel was born by cesarean weighing 5lbs. 6oz. with one litre of fluid drained off of her tummy at birth. They said she would not cry when she came out because she was too sick. I had a spinal so I could be awake for her, and my husband was right there by my side. She cried when they lifted her out! I got to hear my babies voice for the first and last time. When I was finally ready to go and see her in the SCN I found her in a room by herself all hooked up to different monitors and a breathing machine. Her tummy looked like a balloon. And she looked just like her Daddy. Beautiful baby girl. Every time my husband and I went in her room her heart rate would start to go up, she knew we were there. She would open her eyes trying to see us. Each day she declined. The fluid build up in her tummy was faster than the catheter could drain it. Her head was more swollen each day. There was talk of putting a bigger catheter in, but I could not do this to her any longer. My breasts were full of milk and I was pumping every two hours in hopes that some day she would be nursing, but deep down I think I knew that was not going to happen. By the third day we made the unselfish decision to let her go and be with Jesus. We took her off of the breathing machine and held her as she gasped her last breaths and then gave her to the doctor, I could not bear it. I ran out of that death room doubled over with all consuming pain in my heart. I did not even feel my incision. My 21/2 year old said, Mommy please stop crying, I said OK. We packed our room and left the hospital feeling completely numb. We had a grave side service with immediate family four days later. The autopsy revealed that Rachel had a very rare, genetic metabolic disorder called Sialidosis. My husband and I each carry a gene that gives us a one in four chance, in each pregnancy, of having a baby with this zero chance of survival disorder. Nine months later I was pregnant again and just could not be excited about it, or tell anyone until the result of the chorionic villus samling came back OK. By 15 weeks pregnant we knew our son was OK. Rejoice! He was born on September 28, 1998, 10lbs. 61/2 oz. Beautiful! I so enjoy all aspects of him and just cannot quite let his babyness go, knowing he is our last baby, that I still am breastfeeding him at 14 months old! Please, anyone who has had a similar expereince or would like to ask me questions, or just chat for support email me at galoewen@uniserve.com.

Email Address: galoewen@uniserve.com

Robin Christian · from Mount Airy, NC

Nov 19, 1999 · 17:01

On August 11,1999 I was 20 weeks pregnant and my water broke. I then had a stillborn baby girl her name is Emilie Grace she was 9 inches long and weighed 10oz she was a very special little on for God chose to keep her.

Email Address: rolynn@tcia.net

Glen and Annabelle Porter · from Highlands Ranch, CO

Nov 19, 1999 · 18:27

Our first child, Jared Stewart Porter 8 lbs 6 oz. 21 inches long, stillborn, cause unknown on October 31, 1999. We miss you but without doubt we will meet again. Look for us big boy! For all of the moms and dads, know that our children are together and their mouth wide open in awe of God's beauty. We will all be reunited with our children again. COUNT ON IT! Be happy for our children as they will never experience the pain this world could give. Although our arms ache and our heart bleeds, our children are safe. Believe in Jesus Christ and His promises. Thank you for this ministry.

Email Address: rnbeat@yahoo.com

Lisa Montgomery · from Cleveland, OH

Nov 20, 1999 · 15:11

On October 25, I had a 1lb 6oz baby boy named James Edward. I was only 23 weeks when I had him. What happen was that two weeks before I had him, I went for a routine ultrasound and they told me that my cervix was opening and closing. I immediately went to the hospital and they told me that the membranes were out of my uterus and that they would have to put them back in me and stitch my cervix together. When the did this, they told me that I would have to be on complete bedrest until I had him. And that I also had a chance of getting an infection and that if I got the infection I would go into labor and there was no way to stop it because if they did, it would not only kill me but my baby too. I went into labor at 1:00pm and had him at 8:22pm that same day. The doctors prepared us that the baby would die because he was so little. So just one hour before I had him a neonalogist came in and said that they were going to rececitate him. So they did and they took him to another hospital. He did okay until about 3:30am. I got discharged from the hospital at 6:00am because my baby's heartrate was going down and they could not give him enough oxygen. He died at 9:00am that morning because I told him that I did not want him on the ventalator anymore. I would really like to hear from anyone who this has happened to cause I feel like I'm the only person.

Email Address: cutestuff1025@cs.com

Patricia Zalabowski · from Rhode Island

Nov 21, 1999 · 08:18

I lost my twin daughters...Rachel and Nicole...one and two days after birth due to prematurity.

Email Address: PZalabowsk@aol.com

Donna F. Williams · from Honolulu, HI

Nov 21, 1999 · 10:54

I am a health care provider who makes infant clothes for infant deaths for viewing. I also have experienced an infant loss at 16 weeks gestation. At the time, I had no support. I am glad there is a support group now! Thanks.

Email Address: papabear@lava.net

Roxanne Dyer · from Suisun City, CA

Nov 22, 1999 · 01:48

I lost my precious angel Kenya Renee on June 15, 1999 and even 5 months later the pain still seems so intense.

Email Address: roxie52@hotmail.com

Misty L. Potter · from Huntington UT

Nov 23, 1999 · 17:25

I just recieved a issue of the MEND letter. I really enjoyed reading it. Your organization is a wonderful help to those of us that need you. I hope that I can continue to recieve the subscription. I was also wondering if you can't make it to the christmas candlelighting in Texas, would you be able to have a candle lit in memory of your baby? Please let me know. Thankyou for your time and all you do. Misty Potter

Email Address: potter_misty@hotmail.com

Michelle · from West Virginia

Nov 24, 1999 · 17:37

How I wish I had known about this wesite three years ago. My Husband and I tragically lost one of our twin sons. My water broke at 32 weeks. OUr sons were born on September 23, 1996. We delivered on the OR with a complete NICU team waiting for each baby. Our first son, Hunter, was delivered vaginally. While he was being born, the doctor lost our second son's heartbeat. As soon as Hunter was delivered, and emergency C-Section was performed to deliver, Colton. Colton was born dead, but was revived. Both babies were rushed to the NICU. The next day, the neonatalogists came in to tell us that Colton was believed to be brain dead. However, before we made a decision to remove him from life support, she wanted a pediatric neurologist to review his case. We had both of our sons baptized together expecting to remove life support from Colton after the baptism. We were informed that the pediatric neurologist was not comfortable doing that until Colton's Phenabarb levels dropped. For six agonizing days we watched one of our sons thrive and didn't know whether to tell Colton to fight or let go. On Sunday, Spetember 29, 1996 we were informed that Colton's Phenabarb levels and dropped to an acceptable level. A repeat EEG confirmed that our son was indeed brain dead. He was placed in our arms with our family, minister, and friends around us and removed from life support. He lived for 10 minutes. It has been three bitter-sweet years since that day. We are very grateful for our son, Hunter. However, every milestone, holiday and birthday is bitter-sweet. Also, this past Easter I miscarried my second pregnancy at 7 weeks. However, my hCG levels continued to rise. I was also treated with an Ectopic pregnance three weeks later. My doctor suspects that I was carrying twins once again. Reading some of the other entries has helped me. Thank you. If anyone out there has had a similiar experience, please feel free to contact me.

Email Address: jmhs@citlink.net

Gabrielle Dupper · from Denver, Colorado

Nov 25, 1999 · 11:00

I lost one of my identical twin sons January 7, 1999. Dominic Jayson was stillborn at 6lbs 10oz (36.5 weeks). His surviving brother Donovan Jakeob was born at 5lbs 7oz. After almost 11 months, not a day goes by that I don't cry for the beautiful son I have and the beautiful son I lost. I miss him so much. When will the hurt go away?????? If anyone has experienced something similar, please email me.

Email Address: mom2aqt@iwon.com

Ila Meadows · from Elma, WA

Nov 26, 1999 · 13:47

Thank you for such a helpful and hopeful way to addrees the tragic loss of our children. It's true, there is no greater grief. There is no right time to lose a child. Ila

Email Address: ila@olynet.com

Joie Woodson · from Portsmouth, Ohio

Nov 28, 1999 · 15:37

The M.E.N.D. websit/newsletter has helped me through this very difficult time. My son, Isaac was stillborn on November 11, 1999. I deeply miss him and ache for him everyday. Reading of others who have experienced this along with sharing my story helps a great deal in the healing process...Thank you!

Email Address: jdw1@zoomnet.net

S. Celeste Toombs · from US

Nov 28, 1999 · 19:51

I am a Family Nurse Practitioner Student at Duke University. I'm doing a group Presentation on Perinatal Loss. Your site & on-line information is excellent & it will help me communicate with my classmates about the importance of support to all parents experincing Perintal Loss.

Email Address: toomb001@mc.duke.edu

Elizabeth · from New York

Nov 29, 1999 · 23:09

we discovered we were pregnant with our 7th child in the midst of a painful time in our family. my sister's wonderful 32 year old husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. we were surprised and very thankful for this baby at such a sad time.. we determined if our baby was a boy we would name him michael, after my brother-in-law. it was to be my 6th c-section, but all was well. we lost my brother-in-law in february. we discovered our baby to be a boy. michael asher(hebrew for happy/blessed). the ultrasound showed healthy everything and we were very happy. at 21 weeks i felt less and less movement.our baby had died inside me. tremendous sorrow. deeper than any thing i'd known previously. friends gathered with us at the hospital praying and seeking God's face. all i wanted to do was worship, pour out my heart before the Lord. God presence was so rich and real. four close friends came to be with us as we induced delivery. my husband and i were praying i would be able to deliver. i never had. after 14 hours i had my first vaginal birth. people kept telling me to take drugs for pain but i wanted to feel it all. do one last thing for my little boy. he was so beautiful. so tiny. but perfectly formed. we held him. the grief so overwhelming, the presence of God moreso. the peace amidst the greatest sorrow we have known. we buried him on april 21. the 20th anniversary of when we met. we asked only a small group of friends to gather with us around his grave. michael asher "created for heaven". oh how we miss him. still.... i struggle with wanting another child. i am 41. i am afraid. of it all happening again. of people's opinions. hard to know God's will in this. how have people gotten past this point? plese write me if you have. i would so appreciate it.

Email Address: disciple78@aol.com

Raina Clarke · from Bonnyville, Alberta

Nov 30, 1999 · 11:38

I am a funeral director apprentice at Northern Lights Funeral Chapel in Bonnyville. What a great web page you have. I have and will continue to reccomend this web site to mothers that experience this painful loss. Nice to know that there are resources out there for everything.

Email Address: raina_clarke@hotmail.com

Jennifer Buterakos · from Grand Blanc, Michigan

Dec 1, 1999 · 14:43

I lost my son Tyler January 7, 1999 due to prematurity. Tyler was born at 27 weeks, weighing 1pound 14ounces. He was born December 5, 1998 and so his first birthday is coming up this weekend and I am in such a daze. I miss him so very much and wish to hold him and smell him and kiss and hug him once again. I guess that's what dreams are for. I am so sorry for all your losses. Take Care of yourself. Mommy and Daddy love you Tyler, Happy 1st Birthday Sweetie.

Email Address: jensearch1@aol.com

Carol · from Arlington TX

Dec 2, 1999 · 13:01

Dec 1, 1998. That was my due date. We were so excited. Our second child. We knew were expecting another daughter. We were tossing around names. I went in for my 6th month check up on Aug 19th. The nurse could not find the heartbeat. At first I was not alarmed because this same nurse had tried to find the heartbeat at 4 mths and could not....the doctor found it though. A sonogram was then done. IT WAS UNBELIEVEABLE BUT TRUE. My baby was dead. The doctor did not admit me to the hospital til the following Mon, Aug 24th. Believe me, it was the longest days of my life waiting for Monday. And Monday was the saddest day of my life. I held little Jenna Elizabeth. My dreams for her were not dead and they have been very hard to let go of. A daughter of a customer where I work sent me a crystal lamp with the scripture Is. 60: 19-20 which read: " The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the Lord will be your everlasting light and your days of sorrow will end." This was very comforting to me. My best friend, my twin sister and my husband provided lots of love and support. It is just a grief that will never really die. There were no clues as to what went wrong. I got a copy of the lab report from the doctor..I could not bring myself to allow an autopsy. Since Jenna had died sometime between the fifth and sixth month, it was too late to determine anything by an autopsy. In big bold letters on the lab report, it said ABORTION. Now I know technically that the word abortion does not mean what we all think of...but it was a shock nonetheless. I have been trying to find out....is this included in the abortion statistics we all hear? I have not been able to find anyone to tell me the answer...If anyone knows, I would appreciate a response. I am grateful for this website which I only heard about recently and some others I linked to through this one. May God bless all the parents with empty arms and may we all remember we will be reunited with our children one day and we will be able to hold our babies eternally.

Email Address: juliane@kltymail.com

Jan · from Ohio

Dec 3, 1999 · 20:28

July 10th I lost twin grandsons due to a cord accident.We had known for a month that the possibility was high for this to happen, but with each passing day you think maybe they will make it just a few more weeks till they could be delivered safely.

Email Address: Jwalter982@aol.com

Toi Costley · from Baltimore, MD

Dec 5, 1999 · 20:45

I am 41 years old, married and have 2 sons ages 14 and 18. This is my third miscarriage with my present husband who I have been married to for seven years. Things are not well at home, I am not well, my heart is broken. I lost the baby last Thursday, Dec. 2. I was nine weeks pregnant. I feel so empty inside. I feel like a failure, I can't seem to stop crying. I feel like God has punished me. Toi Costley

Email Address: toiellen@yahoo.com

Diana Goldbeck · from Kansas City, Kansas

Dec 7, 1999 · 14:32

I am new to this web page, but hope to read all of the back editions of the news letter and all future editions. I just had my second miscarriage in mid November.

Email Address: dgoldbeck@amuniversal.com

Catherine Scheer · from Plant City, Florida

Dec 8, 1999 · 10:23

I suffered a miscarriage on 12/3/99. I had been diagnosed with cervical cancer 2 months earlier. It was extremely difficult to make the decision to continue my pregnancy, but even more difficult was to loose my baby anyway.

Email Address: Cath1scheer@prodigy.net

Glynis & Mike Anderson · from South Africa

Dec 9, 1999 · 15:00

We lost our beautiful baby boy Matthew Rodney on the 29th January 1998, he was not even a day old. He was born healthy and within a few hours he had a massive chest infection and was rushed to Neonatal Intensive Care where he died in our arms the following day at lunchtime. The only thing that got us through this terrible ordeal was the love and kindness of our families and friends. We have recently been blessed with a beautiful baby girl whom we have called Tayla. Her birth brought back so many painful memories but the joy and happiness she has bought into our lives overshadows the sadness. Matthew will be forever in our hearts and we love and miss him dearly. To those of you who have lost a child and have not managed to fall pregnant - it will happen - it took us over a year. I really believe it is Gods intention to bring happiness and fulfillment to each and every person on this earth and whilst we may never know why a baby or young child is taken from us, he has a plan for us and he will know when the time is right to give us one of "his" children to nuture and love. The joy of another child never replaces the one you lost but fills your heart with an undescribable special feeling. We will always talk to Tayla about her little brother and he will never be forgotten. Rest in peace our precious angel.

Email Address: michael@bizmarketing.co.za

Lorraine Hoole · from Southampton, Hampshire, UK

Dec 9, 1999 · 17:43

Having lost my daughter, Katherine, in February of this year this is the only Web site I have found where other parents can write about their losses. I have taken a great deal of comfort from you all. I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my third child and am coping .. just. I have been diagnosed with Lupus anti-coagulent and would love to talk to anyone who might be in the same situation as me. Have faith ... Lorraine

Email Address: www.lorraineh@freenet.co.uk

Jessica Sibley · from Ridgecrest

Dec 13, 1999 · 16:54

I LOST MY FIRST BABY VICTORIA ESSECE REENE SIBLEY TO PLASIC LEFT HEART SYNDROM 8-30-99. IAM 19 YEARS OLD IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST THING FOR ME AND MY HUSBEND TO GET THROUGH. SHE WAS BORN AT 7:15 THAT MORNING THE HAPPEST DAY OF MY LIFE. THEY LET ME SEE HER AND TOOK HER AWAY.THEY TOOK HER TO CHILDRENS HOSPITAL L.A. BUT THERE WASENT MUCH THEY COULD DO FOR HER.SHE PAST 7:15 THAT EVENING.WHAT MAKES IT SO HARD TO GET THREW IS I NEVER GOT TO HOLD MY CHILD. I NEVER GOT TO TELL HER I LOVED HER,AND I COULDENT BE THERE WHEN SHE PAST.I WOULD HAVE GAVE ANYTHING TO HOLD MY BABY!

Email Address: troeys@aol.com

Patty Hayes · from Tempe, AZ

Dec 14, 1999 · 10:16

Our son passed away at just about 7 weeks old. His fourth anniversary just passed on November 19, 1999. I would love to help anyone I can. I also would like to meet/chat with anyone. I feel very alone sometimes and just stumbled over this site. God bless you for having this site!

Email Address: Tiffer7937@aol.com

Tricia · from Ohio

Dec 14, 1999 · 22:17

I lost my daughter Camryn on august 9th. She was severely premature and very tiny. I miss her very much.More so each day. Thank you for having this website. It's been very helpful.

Email Address: jworley@neo.rr.com

Carlie Glanville · from Killeen, Texas

Dec 15, 1999 · 21:11

I would just like to inform all of the readers that I have moved and my e-mail address has changed. So now I can be reached at wack@balista.com. Thank you.

Email Address: wack@balista.com

Emmily · from Rex, GA

Dec 20, 1999 · 14:09

giving everyone my new email address so if yall i would like to talk i am here it is boo22ga@bellsouth.net

Email Address: boo22ga@bellsouth.net

Dawn Wyatt · from Ohatchee, AL

Dec 22, 1999 · 22:24

You have a wonderfully supportive site. Thank you for such a wonderful gift!

Email Address: dcw825@hotmail.com

Nicole Swann · from Atlanta, GA

Dec 23, 1999 · 13:29

I've lost two beautiful babies: My daughter Taylor was stillborn on March 6, 1997, and my strong, handsome son was miscarried on October 12, 1998. I have not yet named him.

Email Address: littlewing10@hotmail.com

Suzanne Lane · from Twin Falls, ID

Dec 23, 1999 · 15:37

On October 24-25 I suffered a horrible migraine (not uncommon for me). I went in the the doctor to make sure everything was okay...it wasn't. The day before my twin girls (28 weeks) were very active, but this day they had no heartbeats. 12 hours later I delivered them vaginally, the most difficult thing I have ever done. I held them. Emma & Grace are with God, and I know that, but I miss them terribly. For 7 months my husband & I had planned on them being in our lives, making us a family of five. Now we have moved, starting a new adventure and focus. When I really miss them, I ask God to give them a hug and I cry. Autopsy's showed no known cause of death, the doctors tell me there was nothing I could have done to cause this, and I know that. I was the most careful pregnant woman you have ever seen...not even a tylenol. God just had different plans. God has new plans for us, and submitting to His will those plans will be revealed. He is the only One who knows what is best. Please contact me if you want to. I could use a friend.

Email Address: suzlane@magiclink.com

Anne J. Klein · from Middletown, NY

Dec 23, 1999 · 20:11

I suffered the loss of two infant daughters within one year's time. Deanne was born at 22 weeks and Michaela was born at 19 weeks. It is nice to know there is a place for us to go that we are not alone. Great job!!

Email Address: xthlegionlady@hotmail.com

Charlene Read · from Tottenham, London, England

Dec 27, 1999 · 10:55

I misscarried in September and still cry myself to sleep every night. This sight and others like it have helped me so much. Thank you!

Email Address: CharleneRead@AOL.com

Nancy Spolidoro · from Massachusetts

Dec 27, 1999 · 14:51

Our grandson, William James, was born on July 5 at 23 weeks. His little life lasted less than two hours and has left two grieving parents and a family who can only feel their pain for their little angel, second-hand. I have been encouraged by many of the letters I've read and will let my daughter-in-law and son know about M.E.N.D. Thank you.

Email Address: spolidoro@mediaone.net

Anne Tolliver-Beatty · from Pensacola,Fl

Dec 27, 1999 · 16:34

My husband of 7years and were expecting our 1st child in Jan.30,2000...the pregnancy was a surprise..shock...since I was told my chances of conceiving were very slim.So many people prayed for us...never did I think anything would go so terribly wrong.I was told I had a incompentent cervix...My doctors tried everything to save our little girl-Chynna Le'Nae-She was stillborn at 16weeks.We held,kissed her goodbye or as I like to say 'see you soon',her eyes were wide open...we feel she needed to see us as bad as we needed to see her,we also have all her birth mementos.I thank God that my husband was there for me as my family lives in another state..he took care of me...and held me no matter how long we needed to cry or talk about my Chynna.The doctors say we can conceive easier after this...but I am so afraid that it comsumes me. I feel like I failed.I work to free my mind...I research so that this doesn't happen again.If anyone who has incomp. cervix-has childern/ornot feel fre to email me back.We have always prayed and the relationship we have with the Lord lets us know that its ok to get angry..God loves us all and we believe that with pray anything is possible.Bless our ^i^-angels.Anne

Email Address: rosepetals36@webtv.net

Heather Norton · from Elizabethtown, NC

Dec 28, 1999 · 13:52

This site is wonderful. I have been loking for a place to get my thoughts out. In August of 1999 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy Dylan Cole. I had a healthy pregnancy and a good check-up the day before I delivered. The deliver went well until the end and it got really tough. My baby came out and he was lifeless afer starting him on a vent he lived for two days and under went many test. After a brain scan they decided that our baby had no brain activity and we decided to take him off the vent. We had an autopsy and it stated that the death was due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. We are having a hard time dealing with this. Now we are trying to get pregnant agian and the fear of this happening agian scares my to death. The doctors have reassured me that it will not happen agian, but it is still scary. I am looking for a friend that can relate to my story. God bless you all. To my little angel I love you, Mommy.

Email Address: dylanrol@intrstar.net

Dayna and Todd McCoy · from Tulsa-Oklahoma

Dec 28, 1999 · 23:20

We lost a baby girl (Mary at 28 weeks, still born April 1, 1996). We just lost are son (Drew at 28 weeks, born December 19th to December 22, 1999). This site has been very helpful. Thank you and God Bless! Mary and Drew, your Mom and Dad Love you very much!

Email Address: dtmccoy@worldnet.att.net

Anne · from Pasadena, CA

Dec 29, 1999 · 00:47

I have just lost my son Nicholas on October 11, 1999. He had to be delivered by emergency c-section at 25.5 wks gestation because I had severe Pre-eclampsia and Hellp Syndrome. He was only 1 lb 1 1/2 oz and 11 1/2 in long. He was only at 22 wks gestional age because my placenta was affected by the complications. He tried really hard, but lost his battle as he was just too little to survive outside the womb. I think of him everyday and miss him every second. I am looking for other mothers and fathers who have experienced similar situations. Thank you very much for this site. It is helpful and comforting to those who have lost precious children.

Email Address: krro@earthlink.net

Katie Webb · from Omak, Washington

Dec 30, 1999 · 02:54

Max Cameron was born on October 19 1999 and he died on October 28 1999. He died from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. He was not diagnosed until it was too late. Our precious angel lived only 9 days, but he lives in our hearts forever. I would like to hear from anyone else who has lost a child from HLHS.

Email Address: www.katiekyra@hotmail.com

Susan Edwards · from Derbyshire, England

Dec 30, 1999 · 08:16

What a wonderful place to be able to visit. I need to tell my story, I hope you don't mind. I lost my baby just over 10 years ago now. I was just 21, newly married and very excited at the prospect of becoming a mum. I felt quite well during my pregnancy, but I wasn't sure if the strange sensations I was having in my abdomen were normal. When my pregnancy reached 28 weeks I had an ultrasound. The technician didnt say much and she didnt show us the screen like I thought they were supposed to do. When I went to sit in the waiting room the nurse didnt ask for my blood, or weigh me, and told me not to bother getting undressed for the examination - thats when I knew something was wrong. The Consultant told us that my womb didnt contain any amniotic fluid and that I needed to go to a specialist hospital for a more detailed scan. When we arrived the staff were waiting for us. We were whisked through the waiting room, no sitting in a queue for us. The doctor showed us the screen this time - but to show us our baby's deformities. The doctor assured us that the baby would never survive, and that if I carried on with the pregnancy there was a chance I may die. The following morning I was admitted to my local hospital. I was induced and after a labour lasting 2 and a half days I gave birth in a side room of the gynaecology ward. My baby was beautiful, but the deformities were so bad they had to be covered by a blanket. They wouldn't let me have a picture to remember. I held my baby for a few short minutes that's all I ever had. Six weeks later, after the baby had been examined by numerous different pathologists we had a funeral. We called the baby James and had an entry written in the Book of Rememberance at the Chapel. My husband never coped with the loss of James. We were so young and we had no counselling or help offered to us. Six months after James' birth I lost my husband too. He had a nervous breakdown and decided he did not want to be married anymore, he'd had enough of being grown-up. The next 5 years were hard. I was alone, I had lost my baby and my husband but I grew stronger and made a new life for myself. I met a lovely man and we married. Stefan knew all along about the baby. I had warned him that the Genetic Counselling Services had said I may never been able to had a boy, but he said that didnt matter. After four years of marriage, we decided that we wanted to try for a child. We did all the right things. We went to the doctor to check things out before we started trying. It was then, just over a year ago, that my nightmare re-emerged. I saw in my notes the words "severely deformed female fetus". FEMALE. The doctor explained that my baby had been so deformed they told me that I had had a boy, but 2 days later at the first autopsy it was discovered that my James was actually a girl. I will never forgive them for allowing me to bury a girl when I didnt know the truth of her sex. I spent 10 years grieving for my little boy, when all along I had a girl. I find it hard to call my baby by a name now. I can't bring myself to call him/her James. My baby's deformity was so rare that it hasnt been named yet. There have only been 8 recorded cases worldwide in the past 10 years. Mine was apparently the first. The external shell of my baby gave the appearance of a male, while the insides were female. Many internal organs including the kidneys, lungs, bladder and bowels were cystic. I know my baby was not in pain and I know, boy or girl that heaven is where he/she is now. The reason I've come to visit this site today is that we decided yesterday to definately begin trying for a baby. I know that nothing will ever replace James but I just needed somehow to tell my story one more time before I can look to a new future. My heart goes out to all of us who have known the heartbreak that comes with losing a child.

Email Address: susan.edwards@btinternet.com

Ken and Kim · from Newport, RI

Dec 30, 1999 · 23:26

We lost our son Mathew on December 3rd. It has been a very difficult few weeks and holiday season. We have done alot to keep Mathew's memory alive. We created a memorial site where people can come to visit and correspond with others that have experienced the same loss. We considered our little Mathew to be a star. You can visit with him and leave a cyber 'star' (or angel, or teddy bear) to another little one at www.Mathews-Star.org.

Email Address: MathewsStar@aol.com