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Subsequent PregnancyCommon Within First Year After Loss
How many of us have been absolutely obessed with becoming pregnant again after our loss? The day after Jonathan died my thoughts were consumed with the fact that I desperately wanted another baby. But I knew that with my present health condition an additional pregnancy was definitely out of the question. I certainly did not want to replace Jonathan; there was just an incredibule longing to hold my own new live newborn in my arms and if it couldn't be Jonathan, then I needed another one. Further, I think I had and probably still have the sensation that I need to prove not only to myself, but to others, that I can carry a baby to term and deliver a live, healthy child. Because of these feelings I am constantly reminding myself that I did indeed carry Byron to term and although he is thankfully a beautiful, healthy five year old, there is still an overpowering desire to do it again. My faith and hope remains strong that I will some day carry and hold another newborn baby of my own and give Byron a living baby brother or sister.
2 Samuel 12 tells the story of the psalmist David and the death of his son. David and Bathsheba had a little boy that he adored and when the child became ill "David pleaded with God for the child. he fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground" (vs. 16). Seven days later the little boy died and David's servants were afraid to tell him because they thought he would do something drastic out of grief. But on the contrary the Bible tells us that David got off the floor, washed himself, went to the house of the Lord and worshipped, then went home and ate. The servants were confused and said, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" David answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, "Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me"(vs. 18-23). The story goes on to tell that David and Bathsheba had a subsequent child, Solomon, who the Bible describes as greatly loved by the Lord and was the wisest man in the land. I have to wonder how long David and Bathsheba waited and if she was obsessed with another pregnancy like most of us modern-day women tend to be after loss? Did she have all the worries and fears during her subsequent pregnancy and throughout Solomon's childhood that we have today? And did she continue to mourn for her first son despite the fulfillment Solomon must have brought them? Perhaps some day in Heaven I'll have the opportunity to sit down with Bathsheba and ask her what it was like in ancient days to lose a child then go on to have a successful pregnancy.
In today's society it is quite common for women to become pregnant after a loss within a year of their previous pregnancy. However, the subsequent pregnancy is usually very different than the one which ended in a loss because our innocence and naivete are gone; we know what could happen. In this issue we will focus on the common anxieties and emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy as well as some suggestions to help ease them. We also have included two articles from women who share some of their most intimate feelings during the subsequent pregnancies. As you read this issue I hope it will help those of you who are currently expecting a subsequent child realize you are not alone in your feelings and that your thoughts and attitudes are normal. And for those of you who are considering a subsequent child, my desire is that it will help you make decisions for your future that are right for you and your family. It is then my sincere prayer that the Lord will give all of us the desires of our hearts and fill the void that we have due to the loss of the babies for which we long.
Rebekah Mitchell
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Subsequent Pregnancy After LossTwo Mother's Stories
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In June of 1995, our beautiful daughter, Sarah, was stillborn three days before her due date. It was only about six months later that we discovered that I was pregnant again. We had wanted to become pregnant again, so we were excited. However, we knew that this would be a very long and emotional journey.
I was still grieving for Sarah, even though I had really concentrated on my grief for the previous six months. With my grief plus morning sickness many days I really did not want to get out of bed. But the smiling face of my then two year old son, Brooks, and the hope of this future child gave me the strength I needed.
I found myself living from month to month. The thought of the entire pregnancy was too much for me to handle at one time, so I only looked as far ahead as the next hurdle, or stepping stone.
The first month I was focused on having that first sonogram and worried that I would miscarry. After the sonogram I felt better for a short time, and then started thinking about hearing the heartbeat for the first time. Since I had discovered that Sarah was no longer alive while lying on the doctor's examination table as he desperately tried to find a heartbeat to no avail, I was extremely nervous about this moment. When the day finally arrived, I was horrified as the doctor had great difficulty locating the heartbeat. Eventually he found it, but only briefly. After many hours of agony, we went for a sonogram. The tecnician assured us that the baby was fine, it was just the position the baby was in, and the fact that it was fairly early in my pregnancy.
Then I looked forward to 18 weeks, when they would do another sonogram and we could find out the gender of our precious child. I was feeling the baby move and starting to really get (cautiously) excited. For a few brief moments we were filled with hapiness as we saw this baby girl, only to once again become fearful as the technician got a concerned look on her face and said she would be right back. After another technician examined the baby we were told that she could possibly have an Aneurysm of the Vein of Galen. Wh would just have to wait and see.
We went through monthly and then weekly sonograms and each time the doctors became less concerned. As the pregnancy progressed, so did our confidence and excitement. We did our best to prepare ourselves and our son. We visited the hospital and did lots reading, talking, and praying.
In August of 1996, we were blessed with a wonderful, healthy baby girl. Kaylee Marie King was born on August 8, 1996 at 7 lbs. 2 oz. and 20 inches. The joy and hope she has already given us has long overshadowed the fearful months of pregnancy. I feel that each of my three children have helped me, changed me, and inspired me in many ways.
Lori King
Flower Mound, TX
In Loving Memory of
Sarah Ann King
stillborn June 22, 1995
My husband, Douglas, and I lost our first son, Griffen, to a cord accident on May 27, 1996. I was 39.5 weeks pregnant and it was to most devastating time in our lives. One of the first questions we asked our obstetrician after our son was silently born was, "How soon will it be before we can get pregnant again?"
Heeding my doctor's advice, we waited until I had two normal cycles (which took about three months) and jumped in with both feet. I started the all too familiar routine of taking my temperature and making sure we took advantage of the "peak times." After a few months of trying unsuccessfully, I decided to start working again and found that in my new job I would not be eligible for maternity leave until I had been employed for 12 months! Practicality took over and we decided we'd wait three months so that when, and if, I did get pregnant again I would be able to take adequate time off and get paid for it.
Two months after making the decision to wait we found out I was pregnant-I can't say we were careful, but we definitely weren't trying. We are now expecting out second son, Collin, on August 13. Of course, we are thrilled to be expecting another child, but we are also scared and there is not a day that goes by that I don't poke my abdomen until he awakens with kick or a punch-for me that is simply reassurance that he is still alive.
Having delivered a stillborn child previously, my OB views this pregnancy as high-risk and with that title comes all the special attention that I need. To date, I've had more sonograms than I can count and have been seeing my regular OB weekly since 28 weeks. Additionally, I meet with a perinatologist on a weekly basis for Level 2 sonograms and Biophysical Profiles (BPP).
I'm often asked if I feel like we waited long enough after losing Griffen before getting pregnant again. For my husband and me, I feel like the timing was perfect. Soon after our son died we experienced so many major changes in our lives; a move to a new city, a new job for my husband and of course, falling back into the routine of being a young, married, childless couple. Thankfully, I found strength in a local support group and became friends with several of the women who attended on a regular basis. Eventually, my heart began to heal, and although I still missed my son dearly I knew that I had to move on with my life. I think when we first made the decision to try and get pregnant I just wanted a baby so badly that I wasn't really concerned about wanting to be me again. Later when we decided to hold off for awhile I think I found peace with the fact that I could wait and that I felt confident some day I would hold a live, healthy baby of ours in my arms.
This May 27th marked the one year anniversary of Griffen's death and his birth. It also marked my 27th week of this pregnancy. I awoke that morning in tears and was consoled by my husband, but was also quickly reminded with a few tough kicks that we are expecting our second baby. I continually reminded myself that day that without losing Griffen I would not be expecting this precious child, but it didn't make the day any easier-I still cried continuoulsy, and thought about what might have been had he not died.
As August 13th bears down on us, I am preparing for our son's arrival, but each day I find a reminder of my last baby and sometimes I smile and sometimes I cry. In fact, I just finished washing all the baby's clothes and linens, most of which were intended for Griffen. Subsequent pregnancies are a very mixed bag of emotions, most of which for me have been happy.
Stacey Lange
Rowlett, TX
In Loving Memory of
Griffen Douglas Lange
stillborn May 27, 1996
M.E.N.D. Starts a Subsequent Pregnancy
GroupAt the very least, a subsequent pregnancy after loss will be very different from any previous pregnancy experience. Just the thought of becoming pregnant again after experiencing a loss is often a frightening experience not to mention the pregnancy itself. There are many emotional issues that may not be anticipated.
In an effort to help couples through this difficult time, M.E.N.D. has developed a subsequent pregnancy group. This group meets the fourth Tuesday of every month at the regular meeting place. If you are considering becoming pregnant again, are currently expecting, or have recently given birth, please join us to share thoughts, concerns, and experiences. Lori King, an experienced facilitator, will be leading the meetings. She is mom to Brooks, 4, Sarah, stillborn June 22, 1995, and Kaylee, 1.
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Tips for Dealing With a Subsequent
Pregnancyby Lori King
The followwing is a list of things that I did to help me through pregnancy and birth after experiencing a stillbirth. Some things may work for you, some may not. The bottom line is, so what feels right to YOU.
- Pamper youself! Get a manicure, pedicure, massage, or whatever makes you feel special. You deserve it!
- Read as much information as possible.
- Ask your doctor if you can borrow a Doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat at any time.
- Consider genetic testing.
- Biophysical profiles, non-stress tests, or any other tests.
- Faith, hope, prayer, and lots of support from friends and family.
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Resource Reviews
Still To Be Born (Book)
Other Resources
Note: M.E.N.D. has no financial interest in any of these product reviews. The purpose in reviewing them here is to let others know what we have found to be helpful in our own situations so that you may find some comfort in these resources as well.
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Still To Be Born
by Pat Schwiebert, R.N. and Paul Kirk, M.D.Still To Be Born is a well written book for anyone planning for or dealing with a subsequent pregnancy after a loss. It includes sections on making decisions for the future, medical considerations, living through another pregnancy, and beyond birth. It is overflowing with tips and ideas for dealing with the many difficult and sensitive issues mothers are faced with during this experience. Still To Be Born can be ordered using the following address and/or telephone number:
Perinatal Loss
2116 N.E. 18th Avenue
Portland, OR 97212
(503) 284-7426.
SPALS is an active support network with members sharing mutual support and information regarding a subsequent pregnancy. Facing a subsequent pregnancy after a loss? There is helpful information as well a experiences from members of SPALS regarding coping with fears and circumstances of a subsequent pregnancy. You can find them via the Intenet at:
Bereaved Parents Share publications are a "support group" that arrives in the mail and can be turned to when time permits or in the dark hours when you need to know someone cares. It covers all types of child losses from toddlers through adult-age children.
Bereaved Parents Share II...is a pregnancy loss/infant loss issue published four times a year: Mother's Day, August, Holiday Season, and February.
For more information, contact:
Bereaved Parents Share
Carol Ruth Blackman, Editor
27936 S. Schiewe Drive
Colton, OR 97017-9606
(503)824-2447
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Thought You'd Be Here
by Wes King. Sparrow Music and EMI Christian Music Publishing.Wes King wrote this out of his and his wife's own deep pain of infertility, but we thought the words would also touch the hearts of parents who have lost a child. We are happy to announce that King and his wife are presently expecting their first child.
This song can be found on Wes King's
A Room Full of Stories.Words to this song are published in this newsletter with permission by Sparrow Music and EMI Christian Music Publishing.
List of Pregnancy Loss/Grief Materials
Birth and Life
141 Commercial St. NE
Salem, OR 97301
503-371-4445Centering Corporation
1531 N. Saddle Creek Rd.
Omaha, NE 68104
402-553-1200Compassion Book Service
216 Via Monte
Walnut Creek, CA 94598
510-933-0830ICEA Bookmarks
P.O.Box 20048
Minneapolis, MN 55420
800-624-4934Perinatal Loss
2116 N.E. 18th Ave.
Portland, OR 97212
503-284-7426Wintergreen Press
3630 Eileen St.
Maple Plain, MN 55359
612-476-1303
List of National Organizations
A.M.E.N.D.
(Aiding a Mother & father Experiencing Neonatal Death)
4324 Berrywick Terrace
St. Louis, MO 63128
314-291-0892Bereaved Parents Share
27936 D. Schiewe Drive
Colton, OR 97017-9606
503-824-2447CLIMB
(Center for Loss In Multiple Birth)
P.O. Box 1064
Palmer, AK 99645
907-746-6123Pen-Parents, Inc.
P.O. Box 8738
Reno, NV 89507-8738
702-826-7332Precious Children remembered
P.O.Box 534
Huron, OH 44839Pregnancy/Infant Loss Center
1415 East Wayzata Blvd, #30
Wayzata, MN 55391
612-473-9372Resolve Through Sharing
LaCrosse-Lutheran Hospital
1910 South Avenue
LaCrosse, WI 54601
608-785-0530SHARE
St. Joseph Health Center
300 First Capitol Dr.
St. Charles, MO 63301-2893
314-947-6164SIDS Network
9 Gonch Farm Rd.
Ledyard, CT 06339
800-560-1454The Compassionate Friends
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522
708-990-0010Twinless Twins
11220 St. Joe Rd.
Ft. Wayne, IN 46835-9737
219-627-5414UNITE, Inc.
(Perinatal grief support)
7600 Central Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19111-2499
215-728-3777
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List of National Organizations
Bereaved Families of Ontario
Bereavement Resources
Bereavement Support
Children and Grief
Grief Counseling Center
GriefNet
H.A.N.D.
Hygeia
I.A.N.D.S.
Infertility
Invincible Summer
Miscarriage
Parents Place (Pregnancy Loss BB)
Pen-Parents, Inc.
Pregnancy Complications Support
Pregnancy Loss Newsgroup
S.A.N.D.S.
Self Help Sourcebook
SIDS Network
SPALS(Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss)
Tender Hearts (Multiple Birth Loss)
(The triplet Connection)The Compassionate Friends
Tom Golden's Crisis, Grief & Healing
UCC Death of a Child
Christian training programWebster Death/Dying Resources
M.E.N.D. Holds First-Ever "Walk To
Remember"Former President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month in 1988. Since that time, many perinatal loss groups across the country have taken the opportunity to remember and honor our special babies with ceremonies. The most common, perhaps, is a "walk to remember."
Plans are underway for our first annual "Walk To Remember" which will be held on Saturday, October 11, 1997 at 2:00 p.m. The ceremony will be held at Andy Brown Park East in Coppell, Texas.
In preparation for the walk, a tree will be planted in memory of our babies. At the "walk," paper ornament with our babies' names on them will be availabe to hang on the tree during the ceremony and then can be taken home as a keepsake. The program will also include music, poems, and a balloon release. There will be an opportunity to enjoy a few refreshments and meet other parents afterward.
Please join us October 11 to remember our much-loved babies.
For additional information, questions, or directions, please contact us.
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Thought You'd Be HereWords and Music by Wes King
We thought you'd be here by now,
your mother and I.
We're praying through our tears
that somehow
We might hear your sweet cry
Have we waited too long?
It's getting harder to be strong.
Is there something we've done wrong?But if you like dancing,
I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme
and melodies, child.
And if you like dreaming,
Your mother will make your imagination run wild.
Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now.We have a room just for you upstairs.
It's right down the hall.
So, we'll be close should you ever get scared.
We'll come when you call.
It's a room full of stories
Waiting to be told
Longing to behold.And if you like laughing,
I'll plant you a circus of smiles
and ferris wheels, dear
And if you like living,
Your mother will fly you to worlds
both far and near.
Somehow...I never knew silence could make so deaf.
I never knew that I could miss someone I've never met.
Miss someone I haven't met yet.We'll be waiting.
Words printed with permission by
Sparrow Music and EMI Christian Music Publishing.
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The Lullaby CherubThe Lullaby Cherub is a personalized book with a song specially written for your lullaby cherub as well as some other pretty lullabies. it is a sweet story about how our children are specially chosen and prepared ofr their time to come to earth and is appropriate for either a living baby or in memory of a deceased baby/child.
Over 100 differentnames are available for the personalized books/tapes. "Fill-in-the-blank" versions of the book along with non-personalized Lullabies are available id your child's name isn't among the list or is he/she has a different spelling of his/her name than the ones listed. A calligrapher writes your baby's name in the appropriate place(s) in the book.
Cherub Productions, Inc. is offering the Lullaby Cherub, packaged in a gift box with pretty ribbon, to M.E.N.D. parents for $30 with $5 being donated to M.E.N.D. for each one sold. In stores, they sell for $40. To order a Lullaby Cherub, make your check out to Cherub Productions, Inc. and mail it to Cherub Productions, Inc. at 6556 Dartbrok, Dallas, Texas 75240 along with your name, address, phone number and gender of your lullaby cherub. Please be sure to specify that this is a M.E.N.D. order.
The following is a list of the over 100 names available:
Boys
GirlsAdam Edward Michael Alexandra Grace Lynn Alan Eric Mitchell Allison Haley Madeline Alec Evan Nathan Alyssa Hannah Madison Alexander Gregory Nathaniel Amanda Heather Margaret Andrew Hunter Nicholas Amber Helen Marie Anthony Jack Patrick Amy Hillary Mary Austin Jacob Phillip Ann Holly Megan Benjamin James Richard Anna Jaclyn Melissa Blake Jared Robert Ashley Jamie Michelle Brandon Jeffrey Samuel Brooke Jessica Morgan Brett Jeremy Scott Carly Jordan Nicole Brian Jonathan Sean Caroline Katherine Paige Casey John Spencer Casey Katelyn Rachel Charles Jordan Steve Chelsea Katie Rebecca Christian Joseph Stuart Christina Kayla Renee Christopher Joshua Taylor Courtney Kelly Samantha Clayton Justin Thomas Danielle Kelsey Sarah Cody Kevin Timothy Elizabeth Kristen Shelby Connor Kyle Travis Ellen Kylie Stephanie Craig Lee Tyler Emily Laura Taylor Daniel Mark William Erica Lauren Victoria David Matthew Zachary Erin Leigh Whitney
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October CeremoniesSeveral special ceremonies will be held during the month of October in honor of our precious babies. Listed below are some that will take place in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.
Saturday, October 4, 1997 at 2:00pm
Walk To Remember
Harris Methodist HEB
For information, call (817) 685-4905
Please meet in the south corner of the hospital parking lot.Saturday, October 11, 1997 at 2:00pm
M.E.N.D. Walk To Remember
Andy Brown Park East, Coppell
For information, call (972) 459-2396Saturday, October 12, 1997 at 2:00pm
"Our Precious Angels Walk"
Columbia Medical Center in Plano
For information, call (972) 424-0506Wednesday, October 15, 1997 at 12:30pm
Memorial Service
Parkland Hospital Auditorium in Dallas
For information, call (214) 590-8419
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Subsequent Births After LossCongratulations And Best Wishes!
Stacey and Doug Lange of Rockwall, TX announce the birth of their son, Collin Addison, born August 13, 1997 at 8:28pm while remembering their son, Griffen Douglas, stillborn May 27, 1996. Collin weighed 6lbs. 12oz. and measures 20 1/4 inches long.
If you have had a subsequent birth after loss that you would like to announce, please send the appropriate information to Rebekah Mitchell.
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God's Lent Child"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine," God said,
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.""It may be one or two years
Or forty-two or -three;
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for me?""She'll bring her charms to gladden you
And (should her stay be brief)
You'll have her lovely memories
As a solace for your grief."
"I cannot promise she will stay,
Since ALL from earth return;
But the lessons taught below
I want this child to learn.""I've looked the whole world over
In search for teachers true;
And from the things that crowd
Life's lane--I've chosen you.""Will you give her all your love?
Nor think the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to take
The lent child back again?"
"I fancied that I heard them say,
'Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For joys Thy child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.We will shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.But should Thy angels call for her
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the grief that comes
And try to understand."Florence Carres
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In Loving Memory...| Amanda Morgan
Galleger Stillborn January 7, 1997, Trisomy 18
Jonathan Daniel Mitchell Stillborn June 24, 1995
Cody Lamar Steele Stillborn February 7, 1997
Alec Kelly Ayles Stillborn July 26, 1994
Michael Joseph Böer Stillborn July 17, 1996
Gift of Love Given by Stacey Lange. |
Grateful
Acknowledgement M.E.N.D. gratefully acknowledges gifts of love given in memory of a baby, relative, friend or given by someone just wanting to help. These donations help us to continue M.E.N.D's mission by providing our newsletter, web-site, and other services to bereaved parents free of charge. Please refer to the page entitled Contributions for more information on where to send your donations and what information to include. Thank you so much! |
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Future Newsletter Topics/Submission
DeadlinesNovember/December Topic
Surviving Thanksgiving and Christmas
Deadline - September 1, 1997January/February Topic
Father's Grief
Deadline - September 1, 1997Stories, poems, thoughts and/or feelings regarding these topics are welcomed. Submissions must be received by the deadline to be considered for publication in the newsletter. Unfortunately, there is not enough room to include all submissions. Choices will be left to the discretion of the editors. Refer to the page entitled Subscriptions for the appropriate address to send your submission.
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This page was last updated September 19, 1997.
For Questions or
Comments, e-mail Rebekah Mitchell.
Copyright 1996, 1997. Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death. All Rights
Reserved.
