Surviving The Holidays
Volume 2, Issue 6, November/December 1997

Surviving the Holidays (Article) Getting Past Christmas Other Special Ways to Remember ----Your Baby During the Holidays A Look Back at M.E.N.D.'s 1st Year (Article) Subsequent Births After Loss Little Angels (Poem) Many Generous In Sponsoring M.E.N.D. Walk Other Resources I Care (Poem) Grief (Poem) M.E.N.D.'s First Annual "Walk To Remember" -----A Memorable Ceremony M.E.N.D. "Angel," A Beautiful Keepsake Birthday Tributes to Our Special Angels Christmas Angels In Loving Memory Future Newsletter Topics/Submission Deadlines Acknowledgements

Surviving The Holidays

It's hard to believe the holidays are just around the corner. While society begins to hustle and bustle and beam with holiday cheer, many bereaved families across the world are dreading these next two months. It is a proven fact that there is a rise of depression and suicide during the months of November and December. Most people who are in mourning or are experiencing a tragic situation in their lives have a very hard time facing Thanksgiving and Christmas with gratitude and joy. We should be facing these days with the anticipation of family get-togethers, home-cooked meals and reunions with loved ones. Instead, these expectations are overshadowed by the heartbreak of knowing that there is family member who will never be joining us for turkey carving or trimming the tree.

Thanksgiving 1995 seemed to be a mockery to me. What in the world did I have to thankful for? Sure, I had a wonderful husband, a beautiful and healthy four year old, and a great family, but...my baby was DEAD!! I mentally dared anyone to ask me what I was thankful for that year. I knew they would be shocked at my answer, and truthfully, I myself was afraid of what my answer would be.

However, last year was different. I had endured my first year of grief and had finally accepted the role of a bereaved mother. The apostle Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 to "give thanks in all circumstances." It took me awhile, but I can sincerely thank the Lord now for my precious little Jonathan, who never drew a breath on this earth. I realize what a different and better person I am because of his death. Paul also wrote in Romans 5:3 that we should "...rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." I want to emphasize that it took me many months to take to heart Paul's advice and words of wisdom. Now, I can honestly say that I have persevered triumphantly in that I am still here on this earth with a smile on my face and peace in my heart. My character has been enhanced in that I am more compassionate and sensitive to the needs of others. And I have been given great hope that some day I will once again hold a live newborn of my own in my arms.

Like my first Thanksgiving, my first Christmas after losing Jonathan was very difficult. I think I was in denial during the weeks that led up to the 25th as I occupied myself with shopping, decorating, and Christmas parties. On Christmas day Byron and I played "Santa Claus" with Little Byron then headed to the cemetery before going to my parents' for Christmas dinner. I had not been to the cemetery since Thanksgiving, and as we drove through the cemetery gates, I was mortified by the realization that Jonathan's grave was the only one not decorated with poinsettias, wreaths, and other holiday decor. For some reason, it never occurred to me to do so; I think that's part of denial. With all the stores closed and nowhere to buy anything, we went to my parents' house and raided their decorations. My sister adorned a little teddy bear with a green and red halo while my parents gathered two of their largest poinsettia plants. We then all caravaned back to the cemetery to place these on his grave. The next year I made sure Jonathan had a nice big wreath on his grave the first week of December. I think Christmas will always be somewhat bittersweet. I know my baby is with Jesus having a wonderful time, but I can't help imagining his eyes lighting up with glee as he comes downstairs to see what "Santa" left under the tree.

This may be your first holiday season, or perhaps you have endured many holiday seasons without your baby. Whatever the case, as Phillippians 4:7 states, I pray that"...the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Rebekah Mitchell

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Getting Past Christmas

Do we need to "get past Christmas" or Thankgiving for that matter? Just as the sun rises each day, the holiday season will come. The world will celebrate whether we want to avoid facing the festivities without our babies or not. Shouldn't we still be thankful for our blessings and enjoy Christmastime? The world would expect as much, and we may or may not expect it and want it for ourselves and our families. It can be hard; no use candy-coating that even amongst the sweet goodies that fill this time of year. But, whether you wish to be "joyful, joyful" or not, here's some collected ideas to make all your Christmases a little brighter:

• Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December. It can be a daily, silent reminder of your baby and, maybe, make the whole house seem just a little bit warmer.
  
• Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives. Try shopping at a different mall and go early in the day, before bumping into all those merry shoppers.
  
• Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts. Many friends would love to help but need to be asked.
  
• Consider changing your traditional family Christmas letter. Feel free to mention your loss. You may feel good sharing your feelings and others may benefit from hearing it as a reminder of the "true meaning of Christmas."
  
• Give yourself permission to change family traditions. Doing things differently this year may help to ward off some bad memories or expectations.
  
• Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings. Go ahead and hang one up for your baby. Encourage each family member to write a note to the baby that can be read on Christmas Eve. A flower placed in the stocking for Christmas morning is a sweet sight.
  
• Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away, pick out a special card to send or take a plant to someone.
  
• Contribute to your favorite charity in your baby's name.
  
• Pamper yourself this month. Be determined to buy yourself a present.
  
• Plan on taking time to cry. It is normal to have to cry during the holidays. Holidays intensify all emotions-why should your loss be any different?

From "Getting Past Christmas"
by Carlene Vester Eneroth

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Other Special Ways to Remember Your Baby During the Holidays

In our January/February 1997 issue, we listed several ways to create some meaningful memories of your baby. Here are some that would be very appropriate for a season when most of us have our babies especially on our minds:

• Buy an age appropriate gift for your baby and give it to charity in memory of your baby.
  
• Buy a special ornament for your Christmas tree.
  
• Buy a Birthstone Babies necklace, Mother's ring, Angel pin, or other appropriate jewelry.
  
• Contribute to your local church, school, library, or favorite charity in your baby's name.
  
• Donate a children's or pregnancy loss book to your local library.
  
• Plan a special meal and/or open house with family/friends to celebrate a special date (i.e. birth/death date, due date, anniversary date, etc.)
  
• Create a special place to keep or display your baby's things (i.e. blanket, outfit, hospital bracelets, other mementos, etc.) For example, a shadow box, small toy chest, a curio, etc.
  
• Make a scrap book.
  
• Create or buy a special frame for your baby's picture(s).
  
• Create a photo album or collage.
  
• Write poetry to or about your baby.
  
• Visit the cemetery and take a poinsettia or other seasonal flower/plant.
  
• Reach out to others who have lost a baby or share your experiences.
  
• Buy a special reminder of your baby for your work space.
  
• Buy fresh flowers for your home to enjoy while remembering your baby.
  

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A Look Back at M.E.N.D.'s 1st Year

Never would I have believed that M.E.N.D. would grow so much in a year. Our first support group was November 14, 1996 with four of us, bereaved moms, and a nurse from Cooks Children's Hospital in Fort Worth. Our next month's meeting more than doubled in size, and now, one year later we have had over 30 families come for support. In the spring of 1997 some of our "regulars" became pregnant again, but still needed support not only for the loss of their previous baby, but also for the fears and anxieties that come with a pregnancy after a loss. So, eight months after our first support group, we started a subsequent pregnancy group for families who are considering becoming pregant or are currently pregnant after a loss. The Lord sent Lori King to us just in time to facilitate this unique and special group. In December, we will host our first "daddies" group that will be led by Lori's husband, David. Depending on the response, we may try another one near Father's Day.

Lynne and I decided to go out-on-a-limb and have our first newsletter published in November as well. Our first issue told the stories of five of us women who had suffered a stillbirth. We had 200 copies printed never thinking we would distribute all of them. Surprisingly, we didn't have any left by the first of December. We now have over 400 people on our mailing list with subscribers representing 37 states and six other countries. Thankfully, we are still able to distribute these free of charge due to the generosity of our subscribers' donations.

In February, a friend of mine, Max Friz, volunteered to create a website for us. I think our website is beautiful, user-friendly, and very informative. We have several resource links, support group information, newsletter information (all of our newsletters are posted), and we have a guest book that people can sign and request to be contacted by other bereaved parents. I encourage all of you who have Internet access to frequently visit our website which can be accessed at http://members.aol.com/mend7net/ .

During the summer we were contacted by a production company who found us on the Internet and asked us to help them with a documentary on fetal loss. We gladly accepted the invitation and considered it an honor to assist them with this project. The documentary aired October 13-17 on HSTN ( Health Science Television Network), a cable channel that is only accessed in hospitals. Helthcare professionals watch this channel and earn CE credits. Lynne, Lori and I were delighted to have been given the opportunity to share the stories of our babies, knowing it would hopefully give insight to those who care for families who have also lost a baby.

On October 8 we were privileged again to have been asked to be guests on the daily talk show, Good Morning Texas. Lori, Byron and I were interviewed live while several others from M.E.N.D. were taped at one of our support groups. This was quite an exciting experience as we were able to reach hundreds, if not thousands, of viewers in the Dallas- Ft. Worth area and make them aware of our organization.

Three days later, we hosted our first annual "Walk to Remember" with over 100 guests in attendance representing over 30 babies. Please read Lori's article on page 7 for more details.

If you would have told me a year ago where M.E.N.D. would be today, chances are I would not have believed you. I think back to those times during my "fresh grief" when I mentally envisioned myself speaking before crowds of people about the loss of my baby. I saw myself many times sharing with other families who had suffered a simsilar loss; I saw myself educating healthcare porfessionals from a bereaved parent's point of view; and I saw myself heading up events that would honor our babies. Then I would "snap back to reality" and laugh at myself thinking that I was in no shape or form to reach out to anyone who would ever ask me to do such a thing. The only answer I have for the success of M.E.N.D. is found in Ephesians 3:20-21, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church (M.E.N.D.) and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Rebekah

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Subsequent Births After Loss

Julie and Charles Baima of Macon, Georgia
announce the birth of their daughter,

Madison Lyndsey,
August 26, 1997 at 5:19 p.m.
while remembering their daughter,
Ashley Brooke
stillborn July 9, 1996.

Madison weighed 5lbs. 6oz.
and measured 19 1/2 inches long.

Katherine and David Middlebrook and their sons,
William and Tucker,

welcome Katherine Hope,
born Sunday, October 5, 1997
while lovingly remembering
Rebekah Ann,
stillborn Dec. 9,1993.
Hope weighed 7 lbs. 6 oz.

If you have had a subsequent birth after loss that you would like us to announce, please send us the appropriate information.

 

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Little Angels

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold
So he picks a rosebud before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but a few
To make the land of Heaven more beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "Good-bye"
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children. Angels are hard to find.

Author Unknown
Submitted by Katrina & Francis Rapposelli
In Loving Memory of Christina Elise
Stillborn October 20, 1996

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Many Generous In Sponsoring M.E.N.D. Walk

M.E.N.D. would like to express our deep appreciation to
the following businesses and families who sponsored our
"1st Annual Walk to Remember" on Saturday, October 11, 1997.
We thank you for your generosity.

Southwest Landscape Nursery Co.
Dallas Custom Sprinkler
Kroger
Byron L. Mitchell, D.D.S.
Visual Design
Fast Signs, Carrollton
Nationwide Insurance, Coppell
Brewer, Brewer, Anthony & Middlebrook, Attorneys at Law
Albertson's Coppell
MJ Designs, Lewisville
Andrews Media Service
Bermuda Gold
Byron, Rebekah, & Byron, Jr. Mitchell
Paul, Lynne, Paul, Jr. & Maggie Boer
David, Lori, Brooks, and Kaylee King
Steve 7 Diane Galleger
Randy & DaLana Barsanti
Phil, Denise & Ashley Gradel

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Other Resources

List of Pregnancy Loss/Grief Materials
List of National Organizations
List of Internet Resources

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List of Pregnancy Loss/Grief Materials

Birth and Life
141 Commercial St. NE
Salem, OR 97301
503-371-4445

Centering Corporation
1531 N. Saddle Creek Rd.
Omaha, NE 68104
402-553-1200

Compassion Book Service
216 Via Monte
Walnut Creek, CA 94598
510-933-0830

ICEA Bookmarks
P.O.Box 20048
Minneapolis, MN 55420
800-624-4934

Perinatal Loss
2116 N.E. 18th Ave.
Portland, OR 97212
503-284-7426

Wintergreen Press
3630 Eileen St.
Maple Plain, MN 55359
612-476-1303

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List of National Organizations

A.M.E.N.D.
(Aiding a Mother & father Experiencing Neonatal Death)
4324 Berrywick Terrace
St. Louis, MO 63128
314-291-0892

CLIMB
(Center for Loss In Multiple Birth)
P.O. Box 1064
Palmer, AK 99645
907-746-6123

Hannah's Prayer
(Providing Christian Support for Fertility Challenges)
P.O. Box 5016
Auburn, CA 95604-5016
916-444-4253

M.I.S.S.
Mothers In Sympathy and Support
Joanne Cacciatore, 602-979-1000 (voice), 602-979-1001 (fax)
Julie White 602-584-0805 (voice)

Pen-Parents, Inc.
P.O. Box 8738
Reno, NV 89507-8738
702-826-7332

Precious Children remembered
P.O.Box 534
Huron, OH 44839

Pregnancy/Infant Loss Center
1415 East Wayzata Blvd, #30
Wayzata, MN 55391
612-473-9372

Resolve Through Sharing
LaCrosse-Lutheran Hospital
1910 South Avenue
LaCrosse, WI 54601
608-785-0530

SHARE
St. Joseph Health Center
300 First Capitol Dr.
St. Charles, MO 63301-2893
314-947-6164

SIDS Network
9 Gonch Farm Rd.
Ledyard, CT 06339
800-560-1454

The Compassionate Friends
P.O. Box 3696
Oak Brook, IL 60522
708-990-0010

Twinless Twins
11220 St. Joe Rd.
Ft. Wayne, IN 46835-9737
219-627-5414

UNITE, Inc.
(Perinatal grief support)
7600 Central Avenue
Philadelphia, PA 19111-2499
215-728-3777

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List of National Organizations

Bereaved Families of Ontario

• http://www.inforamp.net/~bfo/

• http://www.cmhcsys.com/guide/grief.htm

Bereavement Resources

• http://asa.ugl.lib.umich.edu/chdocs/support/bereave.html

• http://www.funeral.net/info/brvres.html

• http://www.grievewell.com

Bereavement Support

• http://ube.ubalt.edu/www/bereavement/

Children and Grief

• http://www.grannyg.bc.ca/ckidbook/grief.html

• http://www.cmhc.com/factsfam/grief.htm

• http://www.bcm.tmc.edu/civitas/families/death_pr.html

Grief Counseling Center

• http://www.hsc.edu/admin/counsel/coping.html

GriefNet

• http://rivendell.org/index.html

H.A.N.D.

• http://members.aol.com/handinfo1/handhome.html

Hannah's Prayer

• http://www.hannah.org

Hygeia

• http://www.connix.com/~hygeia/

I.A.N.D.S.

• http://www.iands.org/iands

Infertility

• http://www.pinelandpress.com/toc.html

• http://www.finchcms.edu/clinic/beerwww.html

• http://www.inciid.org/

In Loving Memory

• http://home.earthlink.net/~jimncarol/ilm.htm

• http://home.earthlink.net/~jimncarol/otherpla.htm

Miscarriage

• http://scalos.mc.duke.edu/~brook006/miscarriage.html

Parents Place (Pregnancy Loss BB)

• http://www.parentsplace.com:8000/dialog/get/pregloss.html

Pen-Parents, Inc.

• http://pages.prodigy.com/NV/fgck08a/PenParents.html

Precious Children Remembered

• http://www.accnorwalk.com/~mom2nich/

Pregnancy Complications Support

• http://www.mediconsult.com/noframes/pregnancy/support

Pregnancy Loss Newsgroup

• http://web.co.nz/~katef/sspl/

S.A.N.D.S.

• http://hedgehog.highway1.com.au/~lawtbm/sandshome.html

• http://www.vicnet.net.au/~sands/sands.htm

Self Help Sourcebook

• http://www.cmhc.com/selfhelp

SIDS Network

• http://sidsnet@sids-network.org

• http://sidsnet@sids-network.org/pil.htm

SPALS(Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss)

• http://www.inforamp.net/~bfo/spals_info.html#subs

Tender Hearts (Multiple Birth Loss)

• http://www.inreach.com/triplets

The Compassionate Friends

• http://longhorn.jjt.com/~tcf_national

Tom Golden's Crisis, Grief & Healing

• http://www.webhealing.com/

UCC Death of a Child
Christian training program

• http://www.apk.net/ucc/caring/child.htm

Webster Death/Dying Resources

• http://www.cyberspy.com/~webster/death.html

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I Care

by Gail Fasolo
July 26, 1994

I'm truly sorry you lost your child;
I know its hard to bear.
I understand your pain and grief;
I'm here because I care.

When I lost my baby girl,
I felt so all alone.
I don't want you to feel that way,
so I write or telephone.

I cannot give my love to her.
She's in Heaven - She is gone.
But by reaching out to others,
a bit of her lives on.

I want to say you will get better;
your broken heart will mend.
You must have hope and lots of prayers;
but most of all, a friend.

And also know that God is there,
just waiting from above.
He'll answer prayers and heal your heart.
He's faithful in His love.

I prayed each day for guidance
and Jesus pulled me through.
He has turned my life around.
He'll do the same for you.

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Grief

by Rita Donahue, O.C.D.
Beacon, New York

Grief - my new companion
came, un-introduced,
un-bidden.

She entered in without detection.

And dwelt this new friend
everywhere in me.

I knew - but could not name
this something, someone,
some new piece of me
so unfamiliar.

I could not name her,
grasp her, fit her in
anyplace I knew.

She was but would not rest
with me in prayer,
nor silence, nor solitude,
nor stillness, not in doing,
nor in being with, among
amidst familiar places
and faces.

She sought me in my pain,
unrestingness, lostness,
sadness, and new sense
of need.

Gradually I learned her
NAME and that she
follows LOSS and manifests herself in MOURNING.
I walked with her & she with me.

She was MY GRIEF and
we had work-
her work in me to do.

When she comes your way,
embrace her for she will
be YOURS to walk and
work with YOU.

Like mine but so uniquely
YOURS.

YOUR GRIEF.

And she will leave behind
her healing.

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M.E.N.D.'s First Annual "Walk To Remember", A Memorable Ceremony

Despite an abundance of "tears from Heaven" (otherwise known as rain"), M.E.N.D.'s first annual "Walk to Remember" was a beautiful event attended by over 100 bereaved parents, family members, and friends. The walk took place on Saturday,October 11 at Andrew Brown Park East in Coppell, Texas. A tree has been planted there for M.E.N.D. in memory of all the precious babies lost and the families and friends who love them.

Participants received an ornament with their baby's name on it which they ceremoniously placed on a memory table when their baby's name was called. We were then treated to several poems and wonderful songs.

We were also blessed with the presence of Dr. Ken Fallin, pastor and director of The Counseling Center at Calvary Temple in Irving, Texas. Dr. Fallin suffered the tragic loss of his adult daughter in 1990. He spoke to us from the heart about parental grief.

Our event ended with a balloon release in which everyone present received a balloon (pink, blue, or white) for each baby they were there representing. Everyone stood a little awestruck at the incredible sight and it was some time before anyone spoke.

It was a special day and everyone told us how much they had enjoyed the opportunity to recognize their babies in this way. It was also a good opportunity for dads to get involved who wouldn't normally come to a regular group meeting. Parents, family and friends were able to talk together and share thoughts and ideas for dealing with their losses. We look forward to next year's "Walk to Remember!"

Lori King

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M.E.N.D. "Angel," A Beautiful Keepsake

M.E.N.D. has been blessed with the acquisition of the porcelain versions of the "Ascension of the Soul" angel which we have permission to use as the M.E.N.D. logo. The large porcelain angels are 10 1/2' in height and regularly sell for approximately $120-$150 in stores. We are able to make them available for $75. The ornaments which normally sell for approximately $25 in stores will be available for $20. Shipping and handling will be $5 for the larger angel and $2.50 per Christmas ornament (when ordered individually).

If you would like one of these angels, please contact us as soon as possible as quantities are limited.

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Birthday Tributes to Our Special Angels

Happy Birthday my precious babies...Oh how I wish that this was a happy day. Today, I should be baking both of you a birthday cake, just so you could tear into it. I should be slightly saddened because you are both growing up so fast. I should be fondly recalling the past year and reflecting on all of your achievements. How I would have loved to have seen your first smiles and steps. I'll never feel the joy of hearing your first words. I will not get the chance to cradle you, comfort you, or sing you to sleep.

On November 21, 1996, I gave birth to you Joshua and Jeromy only to find that God had already taken you home to be with Him. On that day, I wished that God would have taken me home, too.

I know that you left behind a world of sickness and pain, but you left behind much more. You left a Mommy and Daddy who loved you very much. We are two people not without flaws, but two people who would have tried to be good parents and give you a good home.

Most parents so enjoy the first year of their baby's life. Needless to say our last year has been filled with sorrow, fear, and disbelief. I still wake up and wonder how I can face another day. Your dad and I visit your grave on Sundays to put out flowers and feel close to you. This has helped us through some tough times.

There are still family members and so called friends who keep wondering when we will stop talking about you, thinking of you, and hurting over you. To be quite honest, that day will never come. We will carry your short but precious lives in our hearts and minds forever.

I know that today, November 21, 1997, you are praying for us as we are praying for you.
We love you so much Joshua and Jeromy.

Love,

Mom and Dad

DaLana and Randy Barsanti
In loving memory of Joshua and Jeromy
Stillborn November 21,1996
Anencephaly

Happy 1st Birthday
to our precious angel.
Your are in our hearts
and thoughts every day.
We love you very much!

Jack and Julie, Ashley and Clayton Mills
In Loving Memory of
Morgan Marie Mills
December 20, 1996

If you would like to have us include your birthday tribute to your special angel, please send it to us.

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Christmas Angels

by Gail Fasolo
December 14, 1995

Is there something I can say?
Is there anything I can do?
Is there an angel I can buy
to ease the pain for you?

There are no words to say...
Only so much I can do...
and there's no angel in the world
to make things right for you.

your child went to Heaven
and left a very broken heart.
Nothing else can fill the void
while you are apart.

I'll remember you this Christmas
with a prayer to God above.
That you'll get another chance
to know a mother's love.

Written in memory of Valerie Angie. Stillborn.

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In Loving Memory...

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Future Newsletter Topics/Submission Deadlines

January/February Topic
Father's Grief
Deadline - November 1, 1997

March/April Topic
Miscarriage/Ectopic Pregnancy
Deadline - January 1, 1998

Stories, poems, thoughts and/or feelings regarding these topics are welcomed. Submissions must be received by the deadline to be considered for publication in the newsletter. Unfortunately, there is not enough room to include all submissions. Choices will be left to the discretion of the editors. Refer to the page entitled Subscriptions for the appropriate address to send your submission.

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This page was last updated November 30, 1997.

For Questions or Comments, e-mail Rebekah Mitchell.
Copyright 1996, 1997. Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death. All Rights Reserved.